Chapter 42 I Hate You
Will’s P.O.V.
Iva’s chest rises and falls quickly and her entire body gets tensed as I hold her tightly from behind.
I press my forehead gently against the back of her head as I murmur, “I’ll do whatever you say, but I’m not leaving you, Professor. Not when you need me the most. And I’ll prove to you that I love you.”
The words I speak, God, I mean every single one. This time, I’m not leaving her, no matter what.
Maybe she doesn’t trust those words yet. Maybe she won’t believe them for a long time.
But I’ll say them again if I have to.
I’ll show her again if I have to.
Every day.
Every moment.
“Let me go, Will." She pushes me away with all her strength she has.
I shake my head after stepping in front of her. "No. No, Iva.” Then I again pull her into my arms. “I’m not letting you go."
She struggles, twisting, pushing, fighting my hold. Her hands shove against my chest, nails digging into my shirt, but I wrap my arms around her firmly, holding her as if my whole existence depends on this moment.
Because it does.
She is my life.
I know I’m at fault. I know I’m the reason her heart cracked in places I can’t see. But I’ll win her heart again. I’ll earn it. And I swear I’ll never hurt her again, not even in my dreams.
"Stop it!" she cries, hitting my chest with her fists. "Stop holding me like this. You don’t get to do this now. You’ve lost that right.”
I flinch.
Her words hit harder than her fists ever could.
I’ve lost the right to hug her.
To touch her.
To call her mine.
But I don’t let her go.
My arms stay wrapped around her because letting go feels like stepping off a cliff. Because if I release her now… I don’t know if I’ll ever get to hold her again.
She fights me, but I lower my head and press my face against the side of her neck, breathing her scent like a drowning man finally tasting air again. Fuck, these last three days were torture without her.
My tears break free, slipping down my cheeks, wetting her skin. I don’t bother stopping them.
"I’m sorry," I apologise, my voice shaking with pain. "I’m so, so sorry. I messed up, Iva. I ruined everything. But I love you. I love you so much, I can’t even breathe without you. Please give me a chance.”
I literally beg her. I don’t care how weak I look.
But still, she tries to pull out of my arms. That hurts. "Leave me, Will."
But I’m not letting her go. Never.
“I can’t lose you. Please don’t make me live in a world where you’re not mine. Please, Iva. I was angry. I was hurt. I saw you with him, and I, I lost my mind. But it was you. It’s always been you. There’s no one else. There’s never been anyone else." Every word that escapes my mouth, comes straight from my heart.
I’m not speaking like a man defending himself. I’m speaking like a man begging for salvation. Begging for forgiveness. Begging for her.
For a moment, as she stops struggling, I continue, my tears soaking her shoulder now. “Iva, please. I’ll spend every day making it up to you. I’ll spend every moment proving I won’t ever doubt you again. Just… don’t ask me to leave. I don’t know how to live without you."
She’s still hurt.
Still angry.
And she has every right to be.
But she’s not pushing me away anymore.
She cries, clutching my arms that are holding her, and she rests her body against me. Her sobs shatter my heart. I hold her tighter, as if holding her close enough could somehow heal the cracks I put in her heart.
Fuck. Why did I do that? Why did I throw us away over a moment of jealousy and anger?Why didn’t I trust her? Why didn’t I trust us?
I slide my arms around her even more securely, burying my face into her hair, feeling her warmth, feeling her pain.
I hope I can heal her. I can’t see her like this. I can’t even see us like this. Broken.
"I love you, Iva," I confess from the core of my heart. "Even when I was pushing you away, even when I lied, even when I made you believe you meant nothing to me, I loved you. I still do. I always will."
Silence. Just the sound of our broken breathing tangled together.
And then…
Her quiet voice, almost too soft to hear. “I hate you for what you did to me, Will."
I close my eyes, swallowing the pain. "I know and I deserve it.”
"I hate you so much!" She cries, digging her nails into my arms, gripping me like she wants to hurt me, but also like she can’t stand to let go. It doesn’t hurt me… not physically. But her sobs, her broken voice pierce through my ribs and into the centre of my soul.
Because the real pain isn’t from her nails.
It’s from remembering what I did to this pure soul. The one who loved me with all her heart, who trusted me blindly, who looked at me like I was worth something.
And I betrayed that trust.
I wounded the heart that beat for me. I destroyed the person who would have walked through fire for me.
I don’t even know what kind of lover I am anymore.
"But I hate you more because I still love you."
Everything inside me goes still. My heart stops beating for a second.
I open my eyes. And suddenly the room feels different, not healed, not whole, but alive again.
Maybe… just maybe… this isn’t the end.
Not yet.
Because she still loves me. Her heart still beats for me. Despite everything, despite the pain, the anger, there is love.
And her confession… it isn’t just words. It’s a hope. A fragile promise that maybe I haven’t lost her forever. That our love might not be completely broken. Not as long as her heart still whispers my name.