46: He Loves Her

It had been going on that way for more than a month now. But somehow, Jalilah wondered how she wasn’t so much pained about his absence in her life. It felt as if she had been used to this somehow, maybe when they used to live together, he was always like this? Ignoring her and she lived through with it. No, he wasn’t ignoring her, because ignoring meant he would see her but wouldn't talk to her no matter how she tried. This way, he was avoiding her. Even though he was sure he saw all that she was up to through his morning notes and sometimes after notes after he ordered food for her to be taken to her art school. She wondered why he was doing that.

She was driving around the streets of Abuja after she had taken off her school. She didn’t know why she hadn’t gone home directly. Maybe it was because she wanted to get some time alone or just get some inspiration from the evening sky. She smiled when a message popped into her phone, it was from Fareed and Fareeda at the same time reminding her that their graduation ceremony would be in two weeks, she swerved the steering and head off to a mall, she had to get a gift for them. She didn’t know if she could see Yazeed before it was time to ask him whether he would let her leave or not, but maybe she could send the gifts to them or wait until she visited home.

She entered the mall and began walking around, she didn't know why in most places she visited, it always felt like a deja vu. As if something happened which she couldn’t remember. Sometimes she was sad when she felt that deja vu, but with times like now, she was happy, and she didn’t know why. She sighed and wondered how many memories she had forgotten, were they too good or the bad sighed outweighed the other? She wondered. With the smile on her lips, she moved to the gifts row and became blank. What would she gift these kids? She knew what they liked but they were all childish. She had to get something creative for them.

She wished she had someone to talk to about the gifts, she was always choosy whenever it came to gifts, she was thoughtful. Whenever she wanted to gift something to someone, she had to think so hard for what that person would love, and if he or she would like to keep that thing for a very long time. Forever even. She kept moving around but a male jilbaab got her attention, the embroidery on it was the Moroccan style and she just stayed in front of the mannequin. She wanted to get it for Yazeed, it would look good on him for evening wear or something. But she wasn’t sure even if she bought it how she could see him and give it to him. Or if she gave it to him, would he appreciate it, would he wear it?

Her phone's ringtone brought her out of her trance, and she brought the phone out of her bag. It was a new number, and she wondered who it was. It was funny how since she lost her memories, she didn’t have anyone calling her apart from Mama, Fareed and Fareeda, Farha, Wafiyya and only on rare occasions, Sulaiman. “Hello?” She answered while placing her hand on the embroidery as she felt the design with her hand.

“Where are you? I mean, right now?” He rasped in a raspy breath and she wondered who it was. But for a split second, she got a hint of who it was; Yazeed. What was wrong with him? Why in the whole world did he sound the way he did? Was something wrong with him? What happened? Was he in danger or something bad and he needed her help?

“Are you okay, Yazeed? What’s wrong?” She asked with a worried voice and she heard the soft breath, and she could imagine him shaking his head.

“Nothing is wrong. But where are you?” Wasn’t this man trying to avoid her for the past month? What was with him now? She wondered what went wrong that he was looking urgently for her now. Nonetheless, she had to tell him.

“I'm at Aisum.ng, their mall that’s in life camp...” She wasn’t done talking when she heard the way he honked and ended the call. She wondered what was wrong, but somehow, she felt better. It was evident he was fine, maybe he needed someone to talk to? It was no doubt that he sounded worried and he wanted a little closure. Was he done avoiding her? Maybe her aphrodisiacs would be put to use today, her sexy lingerie as well. She smiled softly.

She was still standing where she was when she felt strong arms wrapped around her waist and he placed his head on her shoulder. At first, she stiffened at the touch but then it felt familiar, the whole scene felt like a deja vu. Did they do something like this before? Had he ever hugged her in a supermarket like this? With his hands wrapped firmly on her waist and his head on her shoulders? She felt him melted on her body and he sighed softly. As if he had been roaming around all day while all he wanted to be this one hug that wouldn't just caress his physical organ but deep within his inner scars.

He squeezed her closer to him and rested his head more on her shoulder while Jalilah placed her hands on his, feeling as he tightened his hold on her waist. “I’ve missed you, Jalilah. And also, I'm so sorry.” He whispered close to her neck and she felt her pores straightened while she softly shivered. This has surely happened before, she could get the splint images in her mind, and somewhere like this. Maybe it was this supermarket, but she couldn’t remember.

“Are you fine? You seem so worried.” She questioned instead because she didn’t know how she would start asking him whether they had had a moment exactly like this where he was holding her this firm, this reassuring with a sense of belonging screaming from his touch.

He sighed and hugged her tighter than she had to melt in his touch, “I’ve just realized how much I've been missing you. I hope you can forgive me, right?” He didn’t have to tell her what happened. That would be Sulaiman’s work to hear because he was the only one that could understand and the right person who could tell him what to do.

She chuckled softly, “Are you joking? Those breakfasts and lunches cleared everything for you. Thank you for them, I haven’t gotten the chance to thank you.” She smiled to herself. It felt good being back into his arms like she did now. So good even, too good to be real and she wanted this to last forever.

He softly kissed her neck, and Jalilah was sure her breath hitched for a moment. “What are you doing here? Buying the groceries again?” He couldn’t help but let that slip off his tongue and while she shook her head, he smiled.

“We’ve done something like this before, right? I’m certain all this felt like a deja vu, I'm glad we had such beautiful memories, Yazeed. But I'm here to buy the twins a graduation gift but instead, this jilbab caught my eyes and I wondered if I bought it for you, how can I see you give it to you?” She placed her hand on the embroidery and smiled, now that she had seen him, nothing could stop her from buying it for him. She had to.

“Yes, we’ve once been here. We fought. Because you didn’t tell me that we’ve run out of groceries, we just drove by and I saw you buying them. You bumped into a pregnant woman and before you fell, I caught you. This position we’re in, that’s exactly how I held you. But you know what happened after that?” She shook her head with a soft chuckle, the more he voiced it out, it felt as if she was watching a movie because she was getting the memory back. Slowly, she was gathering her pieces.

“You wished the woman a safe delivery before she went off with her husband and I asked you whether you wanted a baby too. You said yes, you wanted one. And I asked you whether you can because I want twins. And these are your exact words, ‘You know I love you so much, so it can quadruplets, as long as you’re the father, I can give birth to them.’ I kissed you so long after that, it was once of the best moments we had together.” He was smiling widely when he was done, he didn’t know that was how she meant to him. But whenever he thought of all the good things that happened between them, Yazeed couldn’t help but smile widely and he would feel something stirring his heart, an emotion he couldn’t just ignore. Because it didn't matter how much he ignored it, it was always there, stagnant as it would ever be.

“It’s real, Yazeed, I do love you, a lot.” She placed her hands back on his and felt the way he turned her to face him. He looked tired but somehow peaceful and happy that she wondered how he was able to paint that look on his face. She smiled and stared deeply into his eyes, he looked so handsome.

He pinched her cheeks and smiled lovingly. “It’s getting dark already, should we get the gifts for them and go home? I mean, Sulaiman’s home, they invited us for dinner, sorry I said yes without asking you if you’re free.”

She chuckled while shaking her head, “Come on, you don’t have to ask me. I'm always free, it has been so bored lately that I’m even tired of watching movies. Let’s get the gifts and go.” She turned to one of the workers there and asked him to wrap the jilbab for her, she had to get this for Yazeed.

He was about to break apart from her so they could get the gifts when she shook her head, “Won’t you kiss me now?” She whined and he threw his head back and laughed.

“I wished I hadn’t told you that story. Does it have to be like this always? I'm afraid they’ll ban us from coming to their mall, because of last time...”

She beat him at him, because she remembered, even though it was up until they began to play in the rain, even that was just so hazy, but she could remember everything from where he caught her before she fell. “That old woman destroyed it for us, I wish she wasn’t there.”

His eyes dilated happily, but there was something else in them like fear or something she couldn’t quite point a finger at. “You remember?” But his voice came out as thrilled as it should be.

She chuckled and shook her head, “No, just a few things, the kiss is included of course.” He kissed her forehand and they got all she could think of for the twins. She liked it in Sulaiman’s house, they spoke about everything with Ilham and she played so much with Yazeed jr. Even though Sulaiman looked as if he wanted to ask her of Farha, he didn’t, and she grinned whenever their eyes met.

She felt good watching Yazeed play with the boy, it was as if he was his father and she wondered when she would be able to give birth to her son. How soon or long it would be. When they would be able to brace themselves up for it and make it happen. She didn’t know what they had discussed with Sulaiman when she went in with Ilham, but whatever it was, it had spoilt his mood. He looked worried, forlorn even. And she was even tired of asking him what was wrong, but the answer was always a no.

She turned to him when he parked the car and placed her hand on his, “Yazeed, you have to tell me what’s wrong with you. Is something wrong? With wrong? Yourself? Just anything, talk to me.”

He softly turned to look at her. How could he begin to tell her that Hajia wanted him married because they thought she was no more in the picture? And in the actual truth, the old Jalilah they knew wasn’t in the picture anymore, this Jalilah didn’t even know about how bad Hajia could be. If she was the old one, he would have told her everything, and she might even find a way out for him. But if he told her now, she would think he just wanted to get a second wife. And what made it worse was, Hajia wanted him to marry the girl she brought.

He shook his head and sighed, “I’m just tired, Jalilah. Nothing is wrong which I couldn't tell you, trust me.”

She reluctantly nodded her head even though she was sure that’s not what's wrong with him. Maybe he wasn’t ready to say it out now, but he might come over next time or whenever he felt ready to communicate. “I've noticed how you looked at Yazeed, do you like babies that much?” She changed the diversion of the conversation, and as she predicted, it lightened him up.

He smiled and nodded his head, “I’ve always loved babies, Jalilah. I loved them so much. Maybe I still do,” he said and shrugged off his shoulders as if he wasn’t sure of his answer yet.

They got down from the car, but she still didn't say anything until they got into the living room and she turned to look at him. “What if I tell you that I'm ready now?” She asked out of the blue moon and he turned to look at her with a stupefied expression. What was she ready about?

“What are you ready about?” He couldn’t help but ask because all his thoughts hadn’t wandered to what she was talking about.

She moved closer to him and held his hands while staring into his eyes. “I'm ready for it, Yazeed. I mean, I want the babies now, I want to have one with you. Or like I've said, they can be quadruplets, as long as you’re their father I can have them.” She could feel the way his heart was wildly beneath its ribcage.

“Jalilah...” He began softly and was trying to shake his head when she released his hand and the smile on her lips was contagious that it nearly made him smile.

“You don’t have to answer me now. I have to go to my room now, I'll meet you in your room later, you have to leave the door open for me, okay? And if you lock it, I'll keep on knocking until you get tired and open it for me.” She smiled and gamboled to her room if he could add, happily.

He thought she was joking about it. He had been seated on the edge of his bed and thinking of what he would do today. It was evident that she was tired of playing this game with him and she might want to end it today. He didn’t know what he would say to her or how he should act when he got caught off and he didn’t know how he should act. The knock that came through his door made him flinched before she walked into the room. She was in her nightgown, and from the first look he flashed her, he had to look away. And the first thing that hit his nostrils was the scent seeping from every corner of her lips.

She sat beside him and smiled while taking his hands on hers, he thought that he could talk her out of it. Make her realize that he couldn't do it but then the way she looked, the way she scented and the seductive glance she was flashing at him, he lost all control of himself. “When I told you I was ready, I wasn’t joking about it, Yazeed.” He was about to argue with her when she leaned in and merged their lips. At first, he wanted to break their lips, but he knew he couldn’t do that. It was so hard for him to resist her.

He wasn’t sure about how it happened, but it was getting too intense now. He was kissing her harder than she did, and he knew in the next few minutes, he wouldn’t be able to control himself. But then he didn’t know how to do that, how to talk himself out of this, to tell her that this wasn’t right. He wanted to do this, he so badly wanted to do this because she made him feel what he had never felt before. He felt as she brushed her fingers through his hair and he knew it was game over for him, she had had him now and would always do.

Jalilah felt him bringing her closer, kissing her as though his whole life depended on her. She wasn’t sure about how it happened, but she felt herself on the bed now and he was hovering over her. He was just kissing her lips, his hands caressing her face but from his touched, she knew he was still reluctant about something and she took the initiative. She was afraid now, but she had to do this to save them all the stress and just so they could get over it for real. With one hand still in his hair, Jalilah moved her hand on his back and she felt his moan, which forced him to move his hand on her arms, holding her closer to him.

She was getting on cloud nine, afraid and enjoying it all together when she felt as he abruptly lifted himself off her and he palmed his face while he took in his breath. He wasn’t looking at her when he spoke, “We can't do this, Jalilah.” No matter how much he wanted to do this, they shouldn’t. He was glad that he was able to control himself, he didn’t touch all the sensitive places which he was sure if he did, controlling himself would be the last thing on his mind.

She was still lying flat on the bed when she asked, “Why? I mean, you’re my husband, Yazeed.”

He shook his head, “That’s the reason why we shouldn’t be doing this.”

“Why?” She pestered, still breathless.

“Because I love you, Jalilah. And I can’t do this to you.” The moment he blurted that out, he was sure as ever that he loved her, and he would rather die than take advantage of her when she couldn’t remember who he was and what he did to her. Because he loved her, and he regretted whatever it was he did to her. He wanted to have her back, for her to love him while he loved her with everything he had gotten. It was such an amazing feeling that he would be able to love her back. Amazing, overwhelming and it just felt so good with a pinch of sadness because she would probably hate him no matter how long it would take.