Time

It's been a few days since Colton told me about his mom and I swear she keeps plaguing my thoughts. It's like a tiny itch in my brain I can't shake, and I keep coming back to it repeatedly for no obvious reason. I even dread of her last night, and it was the weirdest most confusing thing ever. It came after I finally located a memory of her in this shared library of thoughts and couldn't shake her soft face from my visuals. I must have tried too hard and implanted her in my brain to mess with me, it's the only explanation.

I do remember her vaguely without Contraltos influence, only in my own memories she's faceless, because I couldn't remember her all that well, so it's nice to apply features to her. She has Contraltos flawless beauty, his black hair, darkest chocolate eyes, and sallow skin, with a soft ambience that's less masculine than his.

She used to come to the library near our farm every weekend to read books to the children. I remember her being a caring quiet lady, well spoken, well dressed, and she had no prejudices whatsoever against wolves from rival packs, the children were all one to her. She always wanted to see us live in peace and harmony, and she had this warm pull that I see in Colton sometimes, when he isn't closing up on me and freezing me out.

The dream lingers in my mind, despite being up for hours, and now, I'm sat on the grass taking a break from training and can still feel her voice ebbing back to me from the recess of my mind. Fatigue letting it slip back in as I cool down and catch my breath, and her haunting melodic tone, filled with pleading, rings through again, the words which woke me this morning.

“Save us."

It's all that comes through and it gives me the same shivers it did when I dread it. She walked up to me, in a bright white, sterile, wall less space, with no one else around me but blurred nothingness of light and stale air. Standing in the middle of what felt like a hospital, I don't know, unsure where I was meant to go or how I even got there. Confused.

She appeared in the distance at first, catching my eye, almost hazy and surrounded by a fog which cleared as she came closer. Dressed in a light shapeless gown, almost like a medical covering, except it was pure snow white, not blue, or patterned. Her hair was loose, free, and hung longer than I can recall from my memory bank, almost touching her waist, whereas she always kept it jaw length in even Contraltos memories.

When she came into focus at first, I could see her cheeks were wet with tears, eyes blood shot, her skin streaked where they had fallen repeatedly and her smock was soaked through, as though they'd been absorbing thousands of them, for an eternity. Her desperate sadness consumed, and overwhelmed me, and I was rooted to the spot, unable to breathe with the heaviness of her pain.

She was eerily pale, beautiful still, but only the shadow of the woman from Contraltos memories, thin and worn down, as though her life was being sucked away. She touched my face softly, startling me with the sheer heat she exuded, leaned in so close that she almost kissed me, her warmth invading the coolness of my own air and whispered it right into my face, startling me to wake in the dull stillness of my own room.

Those two damned words.

Shuddering again, aware the memory of her touch on my skin has pushed a physical sensation on my cheek, and I touch it in a bid to remove the feel of it. The dream felt so real and I hate that it won't leave me alone in waking hours, replaying on a loop, and affecting me so deeply. The total opposite to Colton though, as he's been practically absent, physically, and mentally.

Something he's been doing for an infuriating number of days. It's like opening up about her reminded him of all the reasons he chose to reject me, and he back tracked at a hundred miles an hour and completely pulled away. He's been on active avoidance ever since and it's both broken me and pissed me off beyond the limits of boundary.

He comes to training, barks orders at me from a safe distance, and has our mind link on permanent closed door. It's making me madder than hell, infuriating that once again he has done another U turn, but whenever I try to talk to him, he walks off and blanks me. He makes sure I can't get close, I can't touch him, and he either sticks with the sub pack so I can't get him alone or leaves before anyone else does so I can't follow. A big fat 'stay away' from me aura, all around that dense head of his, and he won't even look me in the eye.

I know what he's doing, and as much as I want to punch him in his genitals for it, I do understand, but it's just so frustrating. What makes is worse, is Carmen has caught onto the strained atmosphere and is laying on the oozing flirt mode with all her might, driving even the males of the pack to eye roll every time she baby talks him. I think she sees it as hope, or an opening that she's on the path to getting him back, and it's making me sick to watch her smugly move in on him at every opportunity she gets.

Colton still isn't tolerating her, but it doesn't mean I'm not having visions of turning and ripping her throat out multiple times a day. Killing a fellow wolf from your pack is a mortal sin, no matter the excuse, but I would happily pay the time for that crime.

Meadow is the only thing keeping me sane, and last night she camped out in my room to cheer me up and distract me, watching movies, and having girl time to throw off all the stresses of everything going on around us. She brought me clothes, and make up, not that I need them now my own belongings were left at my door when I came back from training a couple of days ago. I suspect Colton went and packed up everything with my scent on in the orphanage, but I can't be sure, and he won't stick around to let me ask him at all. It adds to my fury, because it shows he still cares, he still thinks about my needs, but he won't face me at all. His mind is set, and I know what this means for us, he's already chosen his course of action and he's biding his time until it's done.

He doesn't come to mess hall to eat either, just shows up at the park to train and leaves as soon as we're done for the day. He spends the rest of his time with Juan, patrolling the lay of the land, and overseeing the training camp and the new buildings. I've seen them walking together many times and I almost couldn't control my own loathing growls, or the hatred I have for that man.

The pack is getting uneasy and Meadow mentioned that he hasn't called any kind of communal since, as though he's avoiding any real dialogue with any of us. He knows the pack will have questions about this. He brought me to them, made it seem like I might have a chance and then snubbed me as they were beginning to accept my presence.

He's caught inside his own head as he tries to work things out, but we're losing time. Ticking away slowly as the full moon approaches in its cycle and I don't think I can take much more. Logic is telling me to give up on him, but I don't want to accept this is it. That he's done and given up on us after what he said to me. My heart doesn't want to believe he could be this way.

I've been lost in my own thoughts, anxious, obsessing, crying, and worrying myself sick with the chaos of this lack of closure. I'm not being a cold idiot and cutting him off, or avoiding him, like he is me. I would talk to him in a heartbeat if he let me. It's like he just abandoned me after dumping me in his sub pack, with no idea what I'm supposed to be now, how to feel, and what I'm meant to do after the full moon.

If he marks her where do I go? What do I do? I'm only here because of my link to him. I'm not a Santo, I don't belong here and although the sub pack seem to be warming to me, I'm not bonded to them. I'm not one of them, and Carmen will kick my ass to the curb the second he marks her.

She'll be his beta, until she takes her place as Luna, pushing Meadow down the ranks, from merely becoming his mate. That's how it works. She'll have more say than any of them and I can see Colton allowing her to move me out for the sake of their pairing. She hates me with a passion and spends all her time either drooling after him or throwing me shade. It's just a waiting game until she has that power to finally eject me.

I exhale heavily and pull myself up off the grass where I've been sitting cross legged for the past ten minutes, ripping at strands absentmindedly, letting my mind run riot, as Meadow rolls on up beside me and slumps down too. She's barely flushed, no evidence of panting after scaling thirty-foot tree climbs, and almost no sweat has formed on any part of her at all. I'm over here looking like I rolled in a puddle, red faced, and having a cardiac arrest some twenty minutes after I did it, and she's utterly unaffected.

I have to admit though, in only a few short days, my stamina is improving, and I no longer hit the shakes and near vomit like the first time we did this. I'm getting stronger.

"What is it when men today? I swear, I must be getting my own cycle, because I want to stab idiots in the head. It's like the haze is coming in and making them all stupid, or loco." Meadow falls back on the grass, seeming very athletic in pink leggings, and matching sports bra, that enhance her natural assets. Cesar has been driving her mad the past few days, with his overprotective side kicking in, as Juan upped the training schedule and started pushing his agenda a little harder. He's been all over her, shadowing her through the course, stopping her before any he thinks might be dangerous, and meeting her fury at molly coddling her. Males can't help it, even if their femmes are capable, it's that need to shelter their mate.

The haze is mating season, and yes, it's fast approaching, and can make the males a little crazy possessive, over sensitive, and willing to wrap their mates in wadding. It's an inevitable part of our year, which thankfully is short lived, but sees every male and femmes who've been turned go into horny overdrive. Most mated couples don't leave the bedrooms for days on end. The undated are fair game, and result in rushed unions after it's over, many markings out of unwanted cupping have been borne in the past. It's craziness. I'm not looking forward to it coming at all, seeing as this will be my first year on this side of the fence and I have no idea how it's going to feel. Especially with a head and heart invested in a guy who intends to mark another.

Meanwhile, the villagers around the mountain are refusing to budge with, only a few actually moving to the makeshift accommodation Juan has been building. I know this is angering him and it's denting his ego that these people don't see him as the authority he thought they did. After all these years of swanning around, thinking his transition to ruler was set in stone and no one would dispute it.

His anger is obvious and the show of force yesterday as trucks came in, depositing screaming women and children in the camp, hinted that he's snapped and started to take them against their will. It's horrendous, and I watched in horror as women with bound wrists, roped so they couldn't fight, were hauled out and unclasped to be reunited with hysterical children from another truck. He separated them. Taken babies from mothers in a bid to keep them compliant. Their mates following soon after, giving up the fight and coming to submissive control to be with their families.

Who does that?

It left a mixed feeling among the Santos and everyone has been on edge, nipping at one another, having to police the new additions in case they try to return home. You can feel the utter disgust in the air around us. No one questioning their alpha, but no one agrees with this. The Santos aren't as bad as I used to think they all were, and it's obvious that many are not like Juan at all.

Colton was beside him on the podium when the first trucks came in, and he couldn't stomach it for more than seconds. Saying something to his father, I could see his aggression peeking, his expression thunderous, his eyes glowing even from this distance, and his actions animated as though showing his disapproval angrily. They argued and Colton stormed off and stayed out of sight for the rest of the deposit. The elders all looking on in silent agreement with Juan, showing who exactly in this hierarchy were the empty bighearted and power hungry with all the control. Traitors to their own kind.

It feels like this place is turning into a prison, much like the home was, with wardens and it's fast collapsing around Juan's ears as wolves begin to question this in the corners and hallways. You hear the whispers, but they soon fall silent for fear it'll get back to him. Everyone knows he's ruthless and will punish any one of them, blood or not. He has his own lethal pack of war bitten psychotic wolves who do his bidding. His elders, his brother, and his beta. Four deathly loyal sub packs at his beck and call if you dismiss Contraltos. Strong enough of a mini army to get wolves to fear them. Juan's untouchable and has the force to back up his claim to being the uniting alpha. He rules with fear, not respect. There's no care in his heart.

There's been no word on any vampire attacks beyond ours since the orphanage, we've had no word that Juan has actually let anyone know about, and there hasn't been any new hits or hints of a threat. Apart from my new living situation it's like it never happened and no one mentions the lives we lost that day. I didn't even get to bury them or pay my last respects. The cleanup crew moved in and their bodies were burned outside the city limits without anyone being told until after it was done. Like worthless trash that needed to be disposed of. A black mark Juan wanted to wipe clean and push out of sight, because he can never be seen to be failing at anything.

Juan hiding more shame, the same way he hides his failure mate, Luna Sierra Santo. It seems he likes to keep secrets and pretend history is not what it is. I wonder how many of the stories of our victories of the war have been exaggerated and twisted. No one talks of the fallen, or the battles they lost, they only teach us of the heroic wins and the wolves that came back.

"Tell me about it. Colton is high on my hit list today, not that I'll get close enough to do anything about it." I sulk into my own lap, answering Meadow, depressed and exhausted with this situation, and Meadow leans up on her elbows to look at me.

"He won't even talk to me about it, Chica. God knows I've tried, but he's inside his own head. He does this sometimes, although not for so long. Goes into lockdown and pushes everyone to arm's length until he figures it out on his own, been this way since the wars made him grow up way too fast. I think the impending full moon is only making him worse, as the clock ticks down, and his father is still messing with his head. I swear, if Juan left him alone for just a week, maybe even a couple of days, that boy would soon see right and do what his heart is telling him." Meadow spreads to star shaped across the grass and blows out a huge lungful of air, as though to expel her frustration, staring at the sky.

"Has his father said anything more about Carmen?” I ask outright, afraid to have these conversations with her as they always leave me feeling worse, but she's the only person I have had to talk to, and I know she's on my side in this.

“Only that Colton needs to think of the future of his people. Honestly, I don't even know why Juan is rooting for Carmen, she wasn't good enough a month ago, when he was constantly telling him he needed to get serious a find a better mate. I don't get it." Meadow shrugs, rolling on her side to perch herself up on one elbow, picking out some peeking daisies and twirls them between those talons she calls nails.

"Wait, what? I thought Juan was invested in her as the best femmes for Luna? He's sure as hell fighting her corner hard enough!” I Blanche, my head spinning to her fully as rage ignites inside of me, pushing self-pity down.

"Nah, you got that all wrong. Juan has never warmed to her, he only seemed to take any kind of interest in their relationship the second the fates brought you to Cole as his complainer. Up until then, he was one of the reasons Cole hadn't yet settled and marked her. Always whispering in his ear that he wasn't ready, that he's too young and had time, that he should sew some wild oats and live a little. He only started with this marking shit when he knew Cole had his sights set on you."

"So, his dislike of me contradicts even that. Screwing with Contraltos choice even before me. I swear, I wish I knew why he was so against me. It can't just be because of the home and losing my family." I exhale grabbing at the grass in exasperation and yanking out some more stems before watching them blow from through my fingers on the wind. Set free, roots severed, to find their own path, wherever the wind chose to blow them, and it stirs something in my head.

"The man is all about honor and power, it's totally about you being one of the unwanted. It's like a black mark on his bloodline to accept the fates bonded one so unworthy to his only son. He's obsessed. I don't think he's all there, you know, since the wars, a little loco if you ask me." She points at her temple and rotates in a circle, leaning up further to gaze at me with crossed eyes, jesting that he's crazy, but it doesn't bring any lightness to the conversation.

“I hate him. Even if he is mentally unwell. He's the reason nothing in my life has been good for a long time. He's the one who called the packs to unite and go to war. He's the reason my mother left me to follow his call when they asked for warriors to protect our lands, even though he wasn't our alpha. My father tried to stop her… he knew they had little chance of returning. He wasn't a warrior, none of my people were. They should have stayed behind and protected the ones here, not left it to the children like Colton to take on a man's job." There's no point on dragging over the failings of the past, but I can't help it. The wars were a shambles for our people, even if we did end up coming out on top. The packs had no tactics or pulling together until it was almost too late. So many who should never have gone left our weakest vulnerable to be watched over by young wolves or newly turned. We were lucky to survive attacks on our own homelands at all.

"Juan isn't the man he used to be. Cole didn't just lose his cadre in those wars, his father came back a changed man. The battles, they got inside his head. He wasn't exactly soft before, but he only got worse. I think it's why Colton clings on so hard to winning his approval, clawing to stay connected to the only parent he has left. His father's single backhandedly raised him these past ten years, molded him into a man. Coleus loyal to a fault; he may seem tough sometimes, but he has his madrasa warm heart and inability to see the worst in people. It's his biggest strength, and yet, his worst flaw." Meadow and I stare intensely at one another, somber moods reflected, before I break contact and gaze off into the clouds to try and find some peace. My head a mess with all of this, my heart aching badly like it's done for days now.

"Do you think Juan turned this way, because of the Luna too?” I so desperately want to understand why someone who was once held high and respected among his own pack is now feared and questioned. Why his own hide in corners to disapprove of his tactics, where the loyal would never question. That's not the sign of a healthy united pack. That's the sign of a failing alpha, clinging onto his power. A sinking ship and it doesn't bode well for what Colton will inherit.

“I don't know. All I know is, he's not the uncle I knew as a girl and I don't recognize him anymore. Cole tries to pretend he's still in there, maybe he really sees it, and looks for the best in him. I think he's scared of being cast away like his cadre was and forgotten by all who love him if he pushes it. His father likes to throw it out there that Colton has her weak genes, and it's probably why he tries so hard to do what Juan want of him, to prove him wrong."

"Colton isn't weak…. he's confused. Even I can see that. What do you think Juan would do if he defied him and marked me on the full moon? Do you think Juan would send him away, send us away?” I have to know if there's hope of changing his mind, that maybe Colton will still come through for me. Even if his behavior is telling me that he's already pushed all indecision aside and chosen a path to take. I need to cling onto a tiny little ray that there's still time to sway him.

"I didn't, until Cole told me he believes his father would find a way to take you from him if he defied his decision. Juan hasn't said it outright, but he's implied it. Coleus worried you would be the one taken in the night the way his cadre was and kept from him with no way of finding you again. God knows he hasn't stopped trying to find her, but there's no trace and those who know, they don't speak about it. He's no idea which of the elders helped and the Shaman was no part. He's also baffled as to where she is and has been helping to trace her."

I always wondered about the Shaman. Colton seems to trust him, and he doesn't seem to spend his days by Juan's side as the elders do. In fact, the Shaman hides away until the turning ceremony each month and rarely comes out.

"How can he still blindly love a man who can do that to him. She was his mother." I despair at the thought, sinking down into my crossed legs and perch my elbows on my knees so I can lean my chin into my palms. Propping myself up while my body sags in deflation.

"Love, Chica, it does loco things to rational people and no matter how cold Juan is, Cole still loves him as a son should. He's all he has in terms of real family. His own grandmother has a weird aversion to her grandson, and barely looks at him. She's Juan's mother and since birth, she never bonded to Cole at all. It's really weird." Meadows sighs heavily too and I can taste her hopelessness in the air, seeping into me. She frowns down at the grass and goes back to picking daisies, throwing them over her shoulder listlessly in distraction.

“There really isn't any hope for us, is there? Colton cutting me off, all of this, it's to protect me … he's going to mark Carmen and that's going to be the end of it. I can feel it in my bones. Whether he loves me or not, his duty, his reason, his stubborn nature, all point at doing what's expected, because he thinks it will be a resolution that secures the pack's future. And he cares about that more than about us." As much as I go around in circles in my head, I can't see any other outcome.

As much as I want him to be strong for me, it's not really about that. He is strong, he just cares too much about the people he's meant to care about. Alpha's in his blood and putting the people first is part of that leading nature of his type. As much as his gifts, his personality, his looks, and his DNA, he's programmed with this preset need to be bound to his duty for them.

He's faced with all these paths and possibilities and even if he chooses me over all of them… he has a fear his father will either take me from him, and I don't doubt he would, or that I'll be so damaged by life as his Luna, that he'll scar my mind in the process and lose me in other ways.

Seeing the way Juan's been treating his own kind these past days has sickened me to my stomach, and I need to start putting myself first. I need to face facts. Colton won't endanger me with the possibility his father will snatch me from him. I think he has more faith in my ability to be mentally strong though, although it's not that clear cut in his head, and I don't doubt he isn't aware of it.

He'll do what his father wants because his hands are tied. Colton is fated to lead his people, he's known it since birth, he can't run from that, and his father holds all the ropes where he's concerned. He's bound, unable to free himself no matter what way he turns, and his future has never been his to command.

Colton is going to betray the bond, for the love of me. As crazy as that sounds. It's clear in his behavior and the way he's again shut me off. He's trying to make it easier because he knows what he has to do. He knows that if we continued to stay close, he would keep fighting for us and not fully submit to what his father wants.

I can't keep being mad about the fact that our bond should be stronger, because I know this isn't about that. The bond is strong, it's solid in a way, it's what keeps pulling him to me, fighting his will power, and messing with his head, repeatedly. It's Whitehall push him to mark her, in the hopes of breaking me free, and keeping me safe from harm. His need to protect me.

The only problem is that once he does mark her, then I shouldn't be here. I may still have a link that endangers his life, but without his heart and eye on me the way it is now, Juan might make a move and take me away anyway. I bet Colton hasn't even factored that in at all, because he doesn't want to see his father's that wolf. Juan may still make me disappear and go wherever Contraltos mother is, to be sure his son doesn't get tempted in any way. I'm the enemy in Juan's eyes, nothing changes that, not even his marking.

I just wish I knew why he hated my kind with this force of passion. We were all the same once upon a time. It's not my fault my family died. It's his.

"I wish I could argue, but the last few days, Cole being like this, I don't think there is. I know him, Chica. His mind is set. He thinks he's protecting you." Meadow sits up fully, hugging her own legs as tears mist her eyes, and she reaches out and strokes my hair. Her desperation rising as she too accepts that this is how it is. Neither of us has wanted to say it in the last few days, but the tides are changing, we can feel it in the air. Our people are perched on a cliff and change is coming, whether we want it or not. The threat thickening the atmosphere and we both know this is futile.

"I need to accept it, before then. Just not let Colton factor into my plans and focus on doing what's right for me." My voice is strong, my words direct, but my heart wavers in blinding agony. A burning pain spreading through every vein because I know what I must do.

Meadow begins to cry softly, pretty droplets rolling down her flawless skin, and I can tell she knows where this is heading. Her silence is her agreement. Her sorrow is her blessing.

“You'll always be my pack. No matter where you are. I love you like blood, you were meant to find me mi Sherman, and I'll never stop caring about you." Her statement tells me she does know, and she isn't going to argue about it. She's a realist, and she knows my life won't improve when Colton marks Carmen. I'll be this inconvenient issue stuck in the way of Carmen's happy ever after, and we both know she's too spiteful to let that fly.

"I know what I have to do to ensure my own safety, and my own future. I love you too, Beds. I'm sorry." I guess deep down I've been churning this over for days, knowing it's where I was heading, but until now, I didn't want to face it or say the words. I've pulled my head apart, and churned my mind in circles over this, and it all kept coming to the same blank spot I didn't want to fill in. You have to cut the roots to let the grass fly free and find its own place to seed and grow.

Meadow's soft tears turn to shuddering fat ones and she scrunches her body into a ball, cuddling herself tighter to console, so we won't draw the attention of the sub pack who are racing around the run track nearby, chasing one another in high spirits for once.

"I wish there was another way, but I know what you're saying is true. You were never welcomed, and there's a chance the marking will completely sever your bond and leave you as Juan's prey. He won't leave loose ends to come back and mess with what he wants."

It's all the confirmation I need, as a plan clicks into place and she verbalizes the fear that's been gnawing at me. If Colton marking Carmen does sever my tie to him, Juan will kill me and burn my body with the rest of my rejects. That's how little I mean to him.

"No one will notice if I go, and Colton, maybe in a few days might question it, but the full moon will swoop in and he'll do what he has to." His avoidance has meant he hasn't linked in any way, doesn't come by my room, and avoids any interaction. Besides Meadow, he's the only one who would care if I don't show up for training.

"Don't make me say goodbye, don't tell me when. I don't think I can handle knowing, I would stop you. I don't want to keep that kind of secret from Cesar, he would know. I can't lie to him." Meadow sniffs from within her body cocoon, desperation all around her as her heart bleeds. I understand, and I reach out and touch her gently on her knee, my own eyes misting over, the pain just as bad, but I hold myself together. Apprehension circling in my gut, but my focus is clear, and my mind made up.

“Sisters don't say goodbye, they say alters, Chica. I have thing to figure out and plan, so I'm going upstairs.' I use Meadow's pet name, our eyes meet as damp emotional smiles are passed, in that one instance, I know a love that I've needed for the past eight years, a true friend, and it kills me that I only found it to leave it behind. I'm going to miss those blue eyes, and that sassy spunk of my beautiful wild femmes sister.

I pull myself to my feet, head determined, and surprisingly free of tears, despite her breaking her heart and crying floods as she watches me move. She stays immobile, like she's stuck on the grass unable to do anything else for now.

It hurts more than anything in the world, not too dissimilar a pain to having Colton reject me, but there's something inside of me pushing on and keeping me calm. I can't sit here and wait for the inevitable and then cry when it all goes how I expect it to. I need to take control of my own life and do what I always intended. I had a plan! A chosen path before I imprinted.

To leave Headstone and the Santos behind, and make it on my own. If the fates wanted me to be mated and stay, they wouldn't have made me his. They knew this would happen, they know everything, and yet they chose to throw dynamite in the fishing pond and sat back as chaos ensued.

"Tell him I don't want to see him for a few days if he asks. That I need head space. That I don't want to train. I'll leave sometime within that, so you don't know. Give me a couple of days after I don't show for meals at the mess before you tell him I'm gone. I have to make sure my scent is faded before he finds out."

I don't want anyone tracking me, especially not him, and as our scent fades fast, I need at least twenty-four hours to get far away from here before he finds out I'm gone.

Of course, I'm terrified. I mean, over the last days I've become marginally better at turning at will, my fitness improving, but I haven't perfected anything, haven't gotten to grips with my gifts or how to use them. I'm going out there with no experience, or skills to keep me safe, but I have to. It's safer than what I can feel is coming.

I grew up taking care of myself and knowing the basics to get by. My father taught me to camp, to hunt in human form, and cook, even if I was a little kid I still remember. He taught me how to make fires, and how to fish, it was his favorite pastime. Going rural as a human and living on the land, it was something he just liked to do with jasper and me, daddy time with his children. I can't have forgotten all of that.

Now I have the added bonus of being able to turn. I can hunt for food that way, eat as a wolf, nourish my body with things a human couldn't digest, like raw meat. I can sleep anywhere I find shelter, because we don't feel the cold, we don't get sick from the elements, or die of exposure. I can keep moving until I find somewhere to stop. I don't mind being alone, I've felt that way for ten years, until Colton. I'm not afraid to be isolated from others and doing it by myself.

If I have to venture into the human world to get a job or somewhere to settle, then I'm sure it can't be that hard. I'm hardly a vulnerable weak girl with no way to take care of herself. Even in human form, I have my senses, my strength, and speed, and I have my inner wolf to protect me. I can heal when I get sick or injured. I just need to find my courage and go.

Time will do nothing in this situation anymore, and as much as leaving him will kill me, it will also set me free. It will set us both so. Him to focus on his responsibility and lead his people, and me, to hope that our bond will fade or die in time, that I may never forget him, but that I may learn how to live without him.

Despite what I said to Meadow about needing a couple of days, I don't. I already made up my mind that I leave at dusk, I just couldn't tell her that. I need to move before dark, as no one wants to be out there while our enemy can move around. I have a gap of time, to run far and find shelter, before the sun fully sets and I'm done wasting time with this.