CHAPTER 20

Judi Rodriguez stares at the ceiling. The fan spins slowly, casting a spell on her. There is but so much she had lost in her life. And the loss weighs her down like a mammoth. However, she has always made sure to be grateful for what she does have. Whatever pieces of the puzzle she is left with. The pieces that are the only evidence to the fact that the other bits existed once as a whole.

Today she feels young as ever. But wiser than she use to be. No consummate liar would fool her anymore. She has learnt her lesson with the utmost disappointment and hatred.

Her husband was her worst nightmare. The one that has passed but it’s animosity continues to resonate through her life. Each joint of her body hurts from the remembrance of the abuse she had to suffer under him. The trauma that left her incapacitated.

And then motherhood came to her wrapped in a yellow ribbon. All joy and happiness until she discovered the filth that clawed onto it and left nothing but ashes beneath it. She gave birth to a daughter whom she named Meredith. She didn't know the meaning of the name or the significance it held. Just that it had a really nice ring to it. She bathed her, fed her, loved her, rocked her to sleep. Pablo had to control himself. The doctor had warned. No shouting, or hitting or breaking things. Infants can be traumatized very early on if you aren’t careful. For a year he spent most of his times in the pub or bar. Sleeping with women, doing drugs and only visited home to bathe, that too if he was sober enough.

Until one day he decided he couldn't take it anymore. He came home and yelled at her.

“ This is my home. I’ll do whatever I want. I cannot go on to sleep in the cold because of that bitch. If you want me away, leave this house and go find yourself a bastard. But from today on I sleep under this roof, and if she disturbs me I’ll rip that tongue right out of her mouth.”

Judi cried and begged. She should have left. But she had nowhere to go. And so she did what she had to. All night she held the child as close as possible and whenever she mumbled, Judi suckled her. For nights together she kept awake and alert, fussing over her baby girl. Until one night sleep fell over her like a dream. And no matter how much the baby cried, the dream refused to break.

In her dreams her baby was safe in her arms.

“I love you. I love you. I love you.” She kept mumbling in her sleep.

It was dawn by the time she woke up. Her nipples hard from the cold. Her baby gone.

She ran outside bare foot, looking for her husband.

“Pablo. Pablo. Where is she?”

She kept looking for them without realising that she was freezing.

And then he saw him. He walked towards her like a ghost while she stood their cemented to the ground.

“Where is she? Where is my baby?”

“ I put her to sleep.”

She held her hand taut. And then slapped him right across his face.

“ Where is she? Tell me!”

He didn’t react to the slap. Instead he gave her what she wanted.

“ I threw her in the river.”

Judi's heart stopped in her chest. For hours she stood in the cold crying. Then she went to the river and almost drowned in it, searching for her baby. She was as good as dead by the time a man rescued her and took her to the hospital. She barely survived.

For years to come she didn't let Pablo come into the house. She wouldn't serve him food or let him bath.

So one day Pablo threatened Judi with a knife.

“I will cut you open if you try to resist.”

He tied her up and took a bath. Then he made himself food and fucked his wife, as if he never had before. When he was satisfied, he took the money and left her. For a year he came once or twice to fuck her but that was it. Until she became pregnant again.

She slept with a knife under her bed. He tried to come home once but she swore at him.

“I'll open you up from top to bottom if you show me your face again. Get lost or I'll cook you up for dinner.”

And so he ran away.

She worked as a maid to make the ends meet. She worked till her water broke and she started working as soon as the baby was out of her.

Gilberto Rodriguez, she named the child. Even though she was American and not Spanish. She figured she would name him that for the sake of his ancestors and especially because Pablo's father was a good man.

She slept with men for money. Not that she needed to, but it brought her peace of mind and security for her child. In case Pablo was to return.

As Gilberto grew up it became clear to Judi, her son was no Einstein. But his friend was a Prodigy. In the later years as their monetary situation weakened ,they started dealing drugs. But as it turns out, Gilberto didn't have an aptitude for it. It scared the shit out of him and so he stopped.

However, there was a guy who had in him the aptitude as well as the courage to deal in drugs. That was Jon. Gilberto’s best friend. He made a lot of money. Half of which he gave to Nana and half of which his father stole in order to buy himself a drink. It went on for months until he decided to run away from home to come and live with Judi and Gilberto.

Judi loved her like her own son, even a little more maybe.

“ I miss you when you are away.” Jon would tell her.

And whenever she got anxious and apprehensive that Pablo will return to destroy the only good thing that was left in her life , Jon would hug her close and whisper to her.

“ He’s never coming back ever again. I’m here. He’s gone.”

And she’d believe him.

It was in no time that the family expanded. The children got married and had their own children. But none of them turned out to be happy marriages. It was as if they were cursed. Yet they looked through the fog at the beam of sunlight and thanked God that they had each other. Jon was the first one to have called her Nana, out of love. And slowly Gilberto called her Nana and everybody else that came along, called her Nana . She had become Nana somewhere along the way. The one with no past and no grievances.

She believes no body even knows her name anymore. That is all she is to everyone.

Nana. The one they love, adore and respect. But also the one they’ll never truly know.

But the same cannot be said for her. She knows her family like the back of her hand. Something not everybody is aware of.

Most of the things that happens in this cluttered family is known to her way before. Call it prophesy. Or experience.

When Jon married Rose she instantly knew that woman was trouble. How could she not be. The beauty, the intelligence , the bullheadedness. The combination was lethal in its own right. She was never the one to be taken for a fool.

Events when Jon sent her away, she was adamant that she will not be remembered the way Jon or Nana or any other person would describe her.

Now that she thinks of it, she knew perfectly well that in the future, Cassy will be compelled to remind Nate of her. And Cassy’s memory and words were the only ones that Rose trusted.

As of present, she would have intervened in most of the matters. But the intervention won’t be appreciated and she is well aware of it. It was not appreciated by their parents, and so it had always been crystal clear that their children would fight it.

She cannot afford to lose them. Had she had the courage, she would surely have questioned a lot of stuff. The sham that was Nate and Michael’s marriage, the Steven’s choice of lovers, Audrey’s feather headedness. But she can’t.

Tomorrow is the last day of this year. Nana somewhere in her heart knows that she won’t be able to make it to the next one. But she’s alright with that. She has had an unpredictably long life. The end is but whole heartedly welcomed.