Dying

Loud wails of a newborn demanding its mother. Soft whispers at the back trying to calm the one who makes such high-pitched noise. A lullaby is being sung yet the pup pays no heed to it continuing to wail with all the pressure within its lungs.

A wail that pains me. A wail that wakes me up from the darkness and pulls me back to light. My pup beckons me to acknowledge it's presence. My body sucked dry of energy and blood leaving me with nothing but a pile of bones.

But I fight with every breath to open my eyes and welcome the one who is my only true gift from the moon. Trying to get the attention of those present I let out a soft moan hoping it would strike past the chatter and movements.

It does not work for every attention is on the future that demands to be fed. Taking a deep slow breath calming the beats of my heart I focus on setting my eyes free from the grasps of my eyelids. I do not wish to be in darkness anymore for I had submerged in it before I could see the one whom I birthed. I want to hold the one who wails in my arms.

Buttons popped, the front of my dress is pulled back baring my breasts whilst the cold air grazes my skin and I shiver uncontrollably. The hair on my flesh stands upright knowing what is to come rather whom I shall feed. I take a slight gasp of air trying again and my prayer is answered.

"The Luna is awake! Fetch the healer." A female screeches with joy. The other females present stop their chatter rushing towards me, a cold drenched towel is placed over my eyes. And it calms my burning flesh. The liquid saturates my pupils acting as rain to the drought.

"Open your eyes, Alpha. Don't you wish to meet your pup?" Elriam's whisper strikes through the cold air.

"Elriam?" My first word.

"Yes." She laughs almost as if she were sobbing at the same time. "Yes, it's me. Remove the cloth from her eyes." A command from the beta has the cloth removed and my eyes free to open.

Clenching my fists digging my nails into the flesh of my palms I gently peel my eyes open. As the first infliction of light hits the irises that were submerged in the darkness I do not shut them back in rather I fight. Fight to behold the one who awaits.

Blurriness, the face in front of me is with swirls. "Blink." She says and I blink. Once. Twice. Thrice. Until the swirls dissolve and the outline is prominent.

What welcomes me is the awaiting face of my beta. Her eyes are concerned but patiently she waits for me. As soon as I meet her eyes, she smiles. A smile I have never seen on her. Lips peeled back to end to show teeth, eyes shining as she regards me.

"Welcome back, Alpha." She says and I give her a gentle smile. She raises to click on a button to the right and the bed begins to move upright. The slowness it possesses does not request any demand to my body allowing me to adjust without pain.

Once I am seated a pillow is brought out and pressed behind my back acting as the support I desperately need. The wailing of the pup hidden behind curtains had stopped the minute I spoke as if knowing its mother was awake.

"Bring me my pup." My searching eyes meet Elriam's who scans my body to check on my well being. The second those words surpass my lips one of my females pulls back the curtain to reveal my newborn cuddled to her chest.

My heart pounding I open my arms to receive what she holds. Soft. Is the first word that comes to mind whilst my pup is pulled to my chest.

"I bore a male." I chuckle as he stares at me with his wide doe eyes. Emeralds. He possesses emeralds the same as his father. Now I know that I have to live with this every day. The blue cap that sits tight on his tiny head is removed by my fingers.

"You look beautiful, my male." I nuzzle into his cheek lips pursed to give a soft kiss as my first tear rolls down my cheek to fall on his. He flinches to the new and sudden feeling of the tiny wet drop yet does not shed tears for he has spent all his cries waiting for me to hold him.

Pushing him into my right breast his eyes flutter close mouth open searching for my nipple and once he finds he sucks, my life pouring into him. It is truly a heavenly sight. He holds my soul as I hold his with utmost care. "I will protect you to the ends of the earth, this I promise." I whisper a sob from my lips.

With shaky breaths and silent cries, I watch my male feed. He soars above everything I had imagined for the second our eyes met my dead heart spoke.

"What is his name, Luna?" One of the females questions me. A young one, merely a juvenile. She must find this astonishing. To witness a birth is a gift by itself.

I look back at my male who is happily suckling away a name quickly comes to mind. Deimos and I had spent days writing down names for our pup and I decide to choose something we both liked. Despite our shattered hearts, he is still the father of the future Alpha. With a gentle look and a soft smile, I whisper, "Kal."

"What meaning does the name possess?" The juvenile female asks.

"It means most beautiful." I declare.

Elriam allows a tear to roll down her cheek but she quickly wipes it away destroying the evidence as she gazes at him and me. Today is the day every wolf shall cry of happiness in the pack for the birth of their next Alpha. Yet there shall be two whose hearts mourn despite the birth of their son.

The sudden silence and tension that consumes the room as wildfire helps me know of his presence. Deimos is here. I do not move my eyes from my male whom I gently rock upon my thigh lulling him into slumber.

"I need to be alone with my female." An order pools from his lips. A whispered command. But the females do not pay heed to his words. They want me to speak of my acknowledgment. They will not leave unless I say so.

I don't want to see him. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to- "I will not ask again!" His voice raises, irritation of their disobedience growing and my females flinch and shudder with fear. No matter what he is still the Alpha of the pack.

I give a curt nod to Elriam and she quickly understands gathering my females and taking them along with her. My females who were prepared to fight for me. As they scurry out of the room, the door is shut behind them and it is all but a broken family who stands inside.

He takes light steps towards the bed sitting upon the hard floor hands placed upon the mattress. "My female." The first words to leave his lips. I do not speak to him for I do not know what to say. My rage builds up wrapping its claws around my throat ripping me off air but mournful misery overpowers it. And it is more painful and powerful for it consumes not my throat but my heart and soul. I meet his emeralds, I simply stare at him who is meant to be mine. If he were truly mine and I his would he have taken this choice?

Trembling fingers reach for my face thumb sliding across my cheekbone, a sign of genuine affection and it takes a second for me to immediately slap it away. His touch disgusts me. It tears me apart from the inside. I do not have the strength to handle it anymore. I have no fight left in me for I have used it all up during the years of our relationship.

He extracts his hand placing it upon his thigh. "Have you named him? They asked me to name him but I wanted you to. He has my eyes does he not? I was quite surprised when I held him for the first time, he looks like both of us my female." Deimos speaks his feelings ending his words with a soft chuckle directed toward his male.

"Get out." My first words to him. His fingers tremble again and he clenches his palm into a fist and thrusts it under the bed hiding it from view. He hides his weakness. He hides how weak I make him feel for I am the one wolf he cannot let slip away.

"Lumina." His voice is strained and he pleads.

"Do not call me by the name you gave me. It makes my ears bleed." I throw my knives at him finally meeting his eyes that lost their light overnight with my blazing fiery ones. His eyes sadden by my inflictions of pain. I have never spoken to him in such a way no matter how many downfalls we had.

"Don't say such things to me, my female." It hurts him, my words. He tries to move closer to me perhaps to mend the loose thread on the edge of tearing but I move backward with my male putting further distance between us.

"Now that you have had your male, you must be quite sad. That you couldn't fuck your chosen." I spit my heated words whilst he clenches his jaw gritting his teeth. Anger surges every time I think of her. This male went against everything we are as one.

"I possessed no choice, my female. This has been going on in my family for generations. My grandfather, my father they all had a chosen. Yet they all acquired males so I knew for sure it wouldn't happen. It...it is expected of me." He utters firing more hurtful words my way. His words hold their disgust showing me he had never acknowledged it.

"I understand." I whisper with a curt nod. Despite everything thinking as an Alpha I understand yet thinking as his mate I do not. His words only pull me deeper into bloody debris.

"You do?" He asks frowning. Confusion strikes him at first but I smell it. His fear. He knows what is coming and it scares him.

"I will be moving my things from our room to the other wing of this castle. I will stay as far as I can from you possible." I declare. The words that fly past me reaching to him don't merely pain him but also me. How do I move on from this? How do I leave you whom I love with the entirety of my being?

"You do not wish this, my female." He utters thinking perhaps my anger overtakes my senses and thinking. But he is very wrong, my mind is clear as the calm waters. I shall stand by my words.

"I do. Desperately. You are not worthy. You do not deserve me." My truth spills out of me. I had thought this a lot. Perhaps it wasn't I who was unworthy but him? Yet our bond grew stronger with day and he showed me of our worthiness as one.

"Do not do this. I cannot. I...cannot live-" His breathing is ragged and labored, his ribcage pulling in blocking the beats of his heart. He begs whilst shaking his head to my words. The entirety of his being falls apart as his body sways unable to bear the emotions that flood him. I feel it, his heart. I am plunging my knife into him deep twisting it only to extract and sink it deeper into his soul. My words have that much weight on him.

"I can. I can live without you and I am going to show you just that." Perhaps this is a lie. Perhaps this is the truth. Either way, I shall find out. I will take the first step away.

His eyes cast down, hands fidgeting his nails digging into flesh, biting his quivering lower lip. He bangs his fist hard into the mattress for he does not know what to say or how to hold onto me. He knew this would happen, he knew. His heart burns and it brings a vile taste to my mouth as it does to his. The need to gag comes forth but these emotions are not mine but his.

With a deep sigh and heavy tired eyes, I gaze at him who is falling apart in front of my eyes. Perhaps I must be cold but how can I when he holds half of my soul? I look towards the little one sleeping soundly in my arms. The bond I shall break, will it burn my son?

My thoughts are blurry all running around, the decision I am making the pain I am causing. But this does not compare to the sorrow Deimos has given me. He...broke everything. He killed it all. Everything we went through to get here, every fight, every sob, every laugh, every kiss. His final strike.

I cannot hold my emotions and they spill out of me uncontrollably. My sobs are loud and gut-wrenching. This pulls him from his thoughts and his eyes quickly well up to what he sees. "What have you done? What have you done, my male?" I rock myself back and forth trying to ease the misery that boils within me. The last time I shall call him mine.

"I am sorry, my female. I did not have a choice. Forgive me." His voice breaks, he cannot bear the damage he has done. "W-We can get past this...together like we always have. I will bear the blame for everything. Let us raise him together. Let us live the life we dreamed of." He rocks himself with me matching my pace never touching me only watching my eyes.

"We can never get past this. This deed, the choice you made with your own two hands is unforgivable." I wail as my son begins to stir, the clamorous sounds waking him up from his sleep.

"I will earn it. I will earn your forgiveness a little every day even until my last breath. I will do whatever you say and be whatever you want me to be. I need you, Lumina. Please do not leave, do not end us." His words make me sob harder, his real feelings. He pours me his truth yet my cup cannot hold them anymore for it has been ruptured by his own hands.

"Stop." I can hear no more. I wish to hear no more.

"Look. Look inside!" He screams as the first tear rolls down his cheek followed by the next until he becomes a sobbing mess. He shuts his eyes close as I take in the sight of him. The first I have ever truly seen him cry. He shows me. He bares his soul to me. The number of days he contemplated what to do about the situation. The sleepless nights he had stared at me whilst I slept peacefully in fear of his decision that he knew would break me.

He had read this pointless tradition over and over again trying to spot holes in them. When he found none, he wished to break it yet he couldn't for it was written in stone. He had no right to do so for if he did he would shame his generation with the moon. He bled each day with the choice that went against me. Against his family.

"You were carrying our pup, if I had told you then it would have strained you. Hurt you! So I hid it from you. I knew you would bear a male, Lumina. My genes hold strength it always overpowered." He explains.

"What if it was a female? Answer me!" I scream as my son gets up wailing his tiny fists clenched face red upset to be woken up. I immediately grab him placing him upon my shoulder my palm patting his back gently.

Head raised, chest puffed spine straight he speaks his truth. "She would have been my heir. It would have been her birthright. She would have been the next Alpha. She would be worthy despite the disregard of the elders in our pack. Because she would have been ours." He speaks wiping his tears with the back of his palm.

But he would have slept with his chosen and I would have felt it and died. That picture of them together plays over and over again in the bounds of my shattered mind. Must I die like this in agony? Must I stay and fight like I always have or can I run for the very first time?

"Stay. Stay and fight me, Lumina. Fight me all you want. Hit me. Spit at me for I will take it all but do not run. Do not run from me. From us." He beseeches his eyes searching for my soul. He implores from the pit of his heart.

With trembling legs, I carry my weight and that of my male who wishes to sleep again. Placing my feet upon the cold ground I take tiny steps out to the hallway. Ragon and Elriam await patiently out the door and stand up straighter when they see me. I wonder what they think of all this?

I pay no attention to Ragon leaving him in the dark along with Deimos. "Tell the females to vacate my things into a room on the other side of this castle." I tell her to which she quickly nods in acknowledgment of my words.

"Where are you going, my female?" Deimos asks whilst getting up from the floor. He stumbles and almost falls with his inability to stand well struggling to carry himself. His heart pounds in his chest almost spilling out of his ribcage. He is aware of my decision.

I walk forward not answering the one who beckons my attention but a smile graces my lips as I look down at what I have in my arms. His emeralds gaze up at me his eyes wide open watching me. "Hello, little one." I chuckle my finger drawn to boop his nose to which he sneezes softly.

"Lumina!" Deimos follows me hurriedly without direction eager to be by my side. Eager to hold me in his arms. The me who is running away.

"Let her go, Alpha. She needs time." Ragon speaks out.

"Let me go, Ragon. She is leaving me. She is leaving me, Ragon! She does not need time for she has made her decision. I can feel it. Lumina!" Deimos cries as he beckons me with a painful voice and that is the last I hear of him as I head to the other side of the wing.

How do you fix something that is broken? No matter the time and effort you put in putting the pieces together the scars shall remain forever and it shall never regain the beauty it once held. Deimos did not break me. No, nothing can ever break me for I shall never be weak enough to be broken. But he has broken our bond blessed by the moon, our trust that I had cherished, and our... overflowing love that we never declared to the other.

"Alpha. Which room would you like?" Elriam asks as she shows me the rooms.

"One that is fit for a queen. One that is fit for an Alpha." I state and she quickly nods commanding the females of their chores. These are not my females and they do not know of their Alpha's betrayal and our torn relationship. It will be kept secret for no matter what I am a Luna. It is my duty. And for that, I shall behave as if I were truly happy.

I turn back towards the hallway, it is well lit up yet I find it eerily dark and cold. Like my soul searching for light. Is this what my life is to be from here onwards? Raising my son alone whilst bleeding from my mate's betrayal? My wolf is quiet receding into her cage laying her head upon her paws. She understands what had happened but this love-struck wolf will do nothing but demand her mate.

The sun sets and the moon comes out from hiding. Perhaps she is afraid to face me after what she saw me go through and for the first time in a long time, I did not admire her beauty.

Getting accustomed to my new room did not take me long for I had always been adaptable. My eyes sweep across the sudden change. The females did a good job. I heard Deimos protested heavily against this not letting any wolf enter our room blocking the door until Ragon calmed him and took him away.

Clasping the handle, thrusting open the doors to the terrace I sway my male in my arms raising my nose into the air taking deep but soft breaths. "Would you like me to sing you a lullaby, Kal?" I question gently. His mouth opens for a big yawn and he snuggles into my chest.

I had fed him only recently. I wonder how a small stomach can eat this much always demanding to be fed. I give him my finger to which he quickly clasps in his tiny palm.

A knock on the door disturbs our bonding and I immediately know who is behind. With a sigh, I stride towards him. Pulling open the wooden door I am met with a disheveled male. His eyes are downcast and drowsy as they regard me.

He tries to enter the room and I am swift to block his path. "You are not permitted to enter my room, Deimos." I command and he takes a step back with a curt nod of understanding. His eyes peer into my room and scan it completely. A shaky breath leaves his lips knowing the damage has been done.

"I would like to say my wishes to my male." Deimos utters.

With a nod, I hand over Kal to his father who is quick to grasp him and hold my pup to his chest. Deimos places his forehead on Kal's and closes his eyes. A soft nudge to Kal's cheek with his nose and the pup snuggles deeper into Deimos's chest. Deimos marks Kal with his scent as I watch their new budding bond come to life.

Deimos's eyes peek back at me but I see his silent begs. He still pleads with me to reverse my decision. Yet I am not swayed rather I shall not be swayed.

"I wish to ask you a question." I utter.

His eyes light up and he swiftly meets my eyes. "Anything, my female."

"What did you say you saw when you looked deep into my eyes?" I question.

"Your soul." He whispers his voice low and soft.

"What is it showing you now, Deimos?" I ask spine straight as I watch the remaining light of his eyes drown in misery.

*"It is tearing apart. It...it is dying."* His voice nothing but a silent cry to deliver him of his sin.