Don't push me away

Don't push me away

"I'll tell you why: Because that's how James treated you, and you unconsciously feel attracted to me because I treat you like he did!"

My heart froze. He couldn't be serious.

"What?!" I gasped. No amount of alcohol could attenuate the blow of this confession. It was too painful. "Let me get this straight, you're actually equating what we have to a toxic, abusive, manipulative relationship? Jeez, for fuck's sake, everything I did with you was consensual Felix, every single thing! No exception!"

"Bullshit Blair," he replied, tears rimming his eyes. "You might not see this now, but I lead you on, I encouraged you to chase me, I teased and flirted and challenged you. I brought you to my apartment without your consent, I gave you rides when you'd rather walk... Fuck, I made you have sex at Durham Blair, at the place you study! Tell me if this isn't manipulative behavior!"

This couldn't be happening, this was an utter nightmare.

"I wanted to be with you all those times, I want to be with you now! I didn't trust James, I feared him but I didn't know how to get away without risking being hurt.

I feel the exact opposite about you! I trust you with my whole being Felix! Can't you see that? Why do you think I'm here, on my fucking birthday, after you hurt me so much? Because you're my safety, because I want to be with you!"

He shook his head, denying my words.

"That's the problem right there Blair. You feel like I'm your safety after I hurt you because your brain is wired to think like that. I can't stand idly by as I watch you fall into the same patterns of behavior. I just can't."

I wanted to curl up into a ball and cry on the floor.

"Is this why you're doing this? Because you want to protect me? You want me to be safe and happy?" I asked, trying to control my trembling voice.

"Yes!" He replied. "Yes Blair, that's what I want. And I-"

"If that's what you want then please don't push me away. You're hurting me more by doing this Felix.

Can't you fucking see it?! I don't know if you noticed, but I'm still the same boy you met six months ago. You singlehandedly helped me overcome so many fears and anxieties I had about being intimate with someone, physically and emotionally."

He was quiet at last. I kept going.

I tried to get my words out while trembling. "Do you remember when you asked me what I liked?

How gentle and understanding you were? Do you remember when we established the safe word, what you said it was all about? I have no doubt in my mind you never did anything to me to hurt me on purpose, none whatsoever. You know it in your heart you never manipulated me Felix, you know you were never abusive. You know that."

I wasn't shouting anymore, but my voice was still overflowing with emotion.

"Would you have said no to me?" He said suddenly, not addressing what I said. "Would you have said no to your Professor? Your superior who holds your future in his hands? The power imbalance is just too great Blair, too great..."

I brought my hands to my face in despair. "It doesn't matter Felix! I wanted to say yes, so I said yes!"

"Of course it matters and you know it!" He said, his voice a bit harsher now. He clicked his tongue and sighed in frustration after realizing he was losing his temper. I simply cried because our fight was leading nowhere.

I took a deep breath, turning around to regain composure. I didn't know what else to tell him to make him see I needed him. I turned around very slowly, doing my very best to keep a low voice and not cry.

"In the past five years I've worked very hard to get to where I am today. You didn't see that journey, so I understand why you don't believe me when I say I've never been this happy in my life. I don't know what else to tell you to make you believe there's nothing wrong with me, and it hurts to know that that's what you think."

He was silent, probably taken aback by my sudden restraint.

"You really think I'd go back to a relationship like that after what I went through?" I continued. "Over my dead body Felix. I cannot be any clearer than this: I need you Felix, and it breaks my heart that you don't see it."

I shut up, wanting him to say something. He kept quiet, the apartment suddenly becoming coldly silent. I reached out to touch his face for the first time that evening, wanting to clear the tears from his face, but he took a step back.

My hand stood suspended in the air like an astronaut drifting in space, the terrifying realization that it would never be rescued and never be brought back home settling in. I dropped my hand, fresh tears leaving my eyes.

"I just want things to go back to how they used to be. I need you Felix, I need you."

I turned away from him, knowing he wouldn't console my broken heart. I walked down the dark corridor as I sobbed quietly into his bedroom, accepting the fact that he wasn't going to change his mind no matter what I said.

Without taking off my clothes, I laid down on the side of the bed that I always slept on, grabbed Felix's pillow and hugged it. I curled up around the pillow, taking in Felix's scent. His pillow didn't come close to the comfort he gave me, but at least it was something. At least I could smell him and remember all the times he hugged me tightly as I fell asleep on that very bed.

I cried silently, soaking up his pillow. Even though the bedroom door was open, I couldn't hear a sound.

After around fifteen minutes, I heard his footsteps. I hugged his pillow tighter, bracing for what was to come: He was going to kick me out, tell me to go home and to leave him alone.

I could sense him standing by the door, but I didn't move a muscle. He said nothing either, frozen in place. It was impossible to predict what was going through his mind.

Suddenly, I felt the bed dip. Before I knew it, I had his arms around me as he hugged me tight.

"I'm terrified of hurting you..." he whispered against my ear. It was clear he was trying not to cry. "But I'm hurting you now. I'm sorry for what I've done... I don't know what to do, I'm so lost. All I know is how I feel about you, and there is not a bone in my body that wants to hurt you or wish you harm Blair, not a single one."

I immediately turned around. I hugged him back, gluing myself to Felix's body. It felt like I had been walking in the desert for a fortnight and I had finally found water.

As I hugged him for the first time in a month, I sobbed against his chest, remembering my behavior earlier that night.

"I kissed a guy at the club," I wailed like a child. "I don't know what came over me Felix. I was so sad, so fucking sad..."

"I literally couldn't care less," he said, tapping my back and rocking me back and forth in an attempt to calm me down. "It's alright Blair, it's alright."

"Don't push me away, please," I begged between tears.

He sniffed. "I won't sweetheart. You're here with me now, and tomorrow, and the day after that, and all the ones you want."