Want to get him out of his head

Want to get him out of his head

"Boy, the best way to forget about that asshole is to move on to something better!" shouted David in my ear as he sipped on his whiskey coke.

I knew deep down it was a terrible idea, but the alcohol in my system disagreed. David pointed to a hot guy dancing next to our group and switched places with me so I was closer to this guy.

The guy was good looking, not gonna lie, but he didn't even come close to Felix.

David whispered something to Maddox, to which he widened his eyes and winked at me.

What did I have to lose?

I grabbed this dude's arm and whispered in his ear on my tip toes: "Wanna buy me a drink?"

The blond college student looked at me up and down and smirked. He placed his hand on my lower back and led me to the bar. Just feeling his hand on my body made me stiff, but I pushed through. After all, I had nothing to lose.

I ordered another shot, bracing myself for what would happen. My head was spinning and I could barely see straight at this point.

Without asking for each other's names, the guy led me back to the dance floor. He spun me around, his hand on my hips, as we swayed to the music. I remembered that night in the cowboy bar when Felix stared at me as I danced with a random guy. I remembered doing it to piss him off, to rile him up, to taunt him. Today I felt like I was doing the same. Only difference was that he wasn't there.

He didn't deserve to occupy my thoughts on my birthday. After all, that motherfucker was breaking my heart on purpose. I couldn't let myself think of him.

Desperate to get him out of my head, I grabbed the guy by the neck and kissed him. I had never done that, kiss a random guy in a nightclub, and I now knew why.

As soon as our lips met and he held onto my waist, I was overcome with a sense of guilt so great I almost pushed him away. I forced myself to continue the kiss, wanting to contradict what I was feeling, but I felt nothing, absolutely nothing.

I tried to imagine I was kissing Felix, feel the tickling of his beard, smell his coffee breath, wrap my arms around his broad shoulders that never let me fall. I imagined the stranger's hands were his, but they didn't even come close. Felix held me with purpose and affection, his warm, big hands knowing exactly where to touch me.

Suddenly, as if by magic, I came to my senses. I immediately pushed him away, the realization of what I had done sending panic through my body.

I kissed another guy. I kissed someone who wasn't Felix.

I turned away from him, leaving him bereft on the middle of the dance floor. I didn't give a damn. I just knew I had to get out of there.

Tears stung my eyes as panic overtook me. As much as I tried to remind myself that Felix didn't care about me, the truth of the matter was that I did, so fucking much.

No matter how much he pushed me away, I wouldn't let go. I felt like I had betrayed him.

As I pushed through the crowd, the same three words kept playing in my head: "I love him." My behavior was impulsive and destructive, and ultimately the person who would suffer most was me for searching for Felix in someone else.

I cleaned my tears and found my friends, telling them I was heading home. Before giving them time to follow me, I sprinted out, calling an Uber right away with Felix' address.

With the alcohol in my system taking decisions for me, I told the driver to drive as fast as he could. I glanced at my phone, checking the time. It was past three in the morning.

Since Felix never picked up the phone anymore, it didn't even cross my mind to text him to let him know I was arriving so I wouldn't wake him up with the sudden blaring of the door bell.

The Uber driver kept asking me if I was fine, if I needed help, if I had someone waiting for me at home. I couldn't blame the man for his concern: my face was drenched in tears, I was jittery, completely drunk, and on the verge of exploding with anger.

As soon as I arrived at my destination, the street completely deserted, I hit the bell again and again and again until Felix buzzed me in. I took off my shoes since they were hurting my feet and sprinted up the stairs, not wanting to wait for the elevator.

The moment I reached Felix' floor, I could already see his door was open from the light shining through. As he heard me approach, he opened the door wider, revealing himself.

I don't know what came over me, but the first thing I did as soon as I saw him was throw my shoes at him.

"You fucking piece of shit!" I shouted, throwing the first shoe at him. He managed to dodge the hard shoe. "You want me to kiss other guys, to cheat on you? Is that what you want?!"

Tears were streaming down my face. Felix just stared at me, completely stunned and not knowing how to react.

"You want me to spend my birthday in tears? Hooking up with random guys to forget you? Is that what you fucking want?!"

I threw him the other shoe. Again he dodged it. My aim was way off because of how much alcohol I had consumed.

"You want me to get drunk and cry when I get home? You want me to stare at my phone for hours wondering if you're gonna call me? Is that what you want?!"

I was crying profusely, completely losing decorum. I couldn't care less that I would probably wake up Felix' neighbors. It was his fault I was acting like this, he brought this onto himself.

"Blair, come inside, let's talk, calm down," he tried to persuade me to no avail. I completely ignored him like he had ignored me for a whole month.

"You started treating me like shit after I told you about Reynolds!" I shouted. He grabbed me by the arm and pulled me inside, letting go once my body was completely inside his apartment and he could shut the door. "I knew things were going to change, they always do when I tell people about him, but not this much!"

He was silent as he stared at me, pain evident in his features. At least he was feeling something.

"I know why you're treating me like this," I said, trying to wipe the tears away from my eyes. "You're disgusted by me. You don't want to touch me. The thought of you being with someone who was abused makes you sick. I disgust you—"

"Blair, no, that's not true!" He raised his panic-filled voice. "You know that's not true!"

I burst into tears at how ridiculous and hurtful his answer was. Did he think I was an idiot?

"Do I?!" I replied, beyond angry. "How?! You have never given me any reason to believe otherwise. You've been pushing me away because you're no longer attracted to me. Admit it so I have an answer! That's the least you owe me after I literally tore my heart open for you!"

He pulled the roots of his hair, walking about the floor aimlessly. He was distressed, but not as much as me.

"No Blair, no!" He shouted back.

"Then why? Why are you treating me like I mean nothing to you?" I asked, exasperated.

He took such a deep breath that I actually stopped to listen.

"Oh God..." he said, covering his face. "Fuck... Alright, fine! I'll tell you. Be honest with me Blair, truly honest: All the things we've done together, from the way we met, to how we've kept our relationship a secret, to the way we treat each other... the way I lead you, how you follow me… the power dynamic between us… why do you like that, Blair? Why do you like those things?"

I didn’t know what to say, stammering to give an answer.