A Queen Among Blood: Chapter Fifty-Five - Yildiz

A Queen Among Blood: Chapter Fifty-Five - Yildiz
I slowly wake up to the feeling of weightlessness and soft fingers combing through my hair. Nuray’s scent is all around me and I quickly sit up smiling ready to reach out and hug her, but instead of her familiar fulvous aura sitting next to me, I see a bright fuchsia with silver aura and I’m now suddenly aware of the scent of summer rain. My heart instantly sinks. For the smallest moment, I forgot Nuray was gone. For just a moment I thought she was here beside me.

“I’m sorry I’m not her,” mother softly says, reaching out and wiping the tears from my cheeks.

“Please don’t read my thoughts,” I sniff. “Why are you here?”

“You’re my daughter and I know you’ve been through a great deal. I wanted to be here for you,” she says sadly.

“Did you fate me to a God or make me for one?” I ask. Hey, gloves are off at this point. Maybe I’ll finally have all the facts.

She leans back against something, “I made you and your sisters to instil peace in a chaotic world we Gods had created. But yes, I specifically created you for him,” she confesses.

“My very existence entirely revolves around someone else…” I whisper, appalled by this revelation.

“He’s a God, Yildiz, there was never going to be anyone perfect for him. There were possibilities, but with his curse, they all would have been doomed. So I created someone strong enough to not only stand by him but take him head-on. Someone who could survive all the challenges that come with being with someone like him. I underestimated how deeply his trauma ran. I thought if he spent enough time with you, he would open up to you,” she says, letting out a deep sigh, “I did not create you and your sisters with him in mind, it just occurred to me while I was doing so more than one life could be helped.”

“All your prophetic abilities and you didn’t see any of this coming?” I say bitterly.

“I saw many things, but which would come to pass was unclear. Especially with Jartre meddling and blocking aspects of my vision,” she says with displeasure.

“He can do that?” I ask in surprise.

She nods, “We can shield ourselves from one another, so when he interacted with you, it meant those parts of your life were shielded from me as well. It was infuriating. I was trying to track him down and stop him, but he’s a sly one. Perhaps I should have done more,” she says guiltily.

“If you’re about to say you didn’t want to interfere with my destiny, I’d like to remind you, you manufactured my destiny so that’s a moot point,” I huff indignantly.

“That’s a fair statement to make. Yildiz, we Gods are always walking a tightrope of what we can and cannot interfere with. Trying to stop Jartre was within my boundaries but getting between you and Oshmin… aside from creating the bond and guiding you into each other’s paths that’s where my intervening ended. The rest was up to the two of you. I’m sorry that he didn’t do better by you,” she says sadly, stroking my hair.

I take a breath to resist the urge to cry again, “How exactly did you ensure we’d cross paths?”

“I… well, for example, I made sure your name was pulled from the bowl when it came to deciding who would handle the sanguidaes,” she admits sheepishly.

“You have got to be kidding me,” I say, rolling my eyes.

“Well, none of my other attempts worked. It’s very hard to sway the path of a God. I was working overtime with that one,” she grumbles.

“I would like to make a sarcastic comment about meddling, but I can’t due to you making me unable to lie, so I’ll just come out and say that you acting frustrated over trying to pair a God with one of your daughters, while I sit here broken hearted because he lied and deceived me and you allowed him to, is beyond offensive,” I say belligerently.

“I never meant to upset you so, and I can see my actions have hurt you deeply,” she says, sounding contrite.

“You knew he was deceiving me, and you never told him to stop. You never told him to tell me the truth. There were things you could have done, but you didn’t. You let me live believing the lie. You’re my mother, how could you do that to me?” I say with a trembling voice as tears slip down my cheeks.

“Should I have told you?”

“What?” I ask in confusion.

“Yes, I knew he was being deceptive, and I told him from the beginning not to underestimate you or to hurt you. I did warn him. But should I have been the one to tell you the truth about him? Would you have felt better or worse hearing it from me?” she prods.

I sigh in defeat, “It doesn’t matter. Neither version would make me feel better. If you had told me I’d still be hurt that he didn’t, and if down the line he had finally trusted me enough to tell me, I still would have been hurt because he let me go on for so long believing a lie. I’m meant to see through lies – figuratively. He made me question the very nature of what I am,” I say as I pull my knees up to my chest and sob against my thighs.

I feel as mother wraps her arm around me and scoots closer to me, “Oh, Yildiz. I truly am sorry for all the pain this has caused you. You deserve so much better than this.”

“Why did I feel it?”

“Feel what?”

“Why did I feel everything Jartre did to him as if it was happening to me? I felt as though I was dying. I was even coughing blood.” This question has been lurking in the back of my mind. Just one of a million questions I desperately need answered.

“You see, Oshmin is a God, and we Gods are from the cosmos. We do not have souls, we have essrams. Because I made you and your sisters from me, you too have essrams, same as raitruums. Essrams are a million times more powerful than souls. Animais can feel each other’s pain because their souls are connected, but when essrams are connected, the pain is truly shared in every way. You don’t just feel it, you live it. If one of you breaks a bone, both of your bones will break. If the bond is ever completed, you two will truly become one,” she explains.

“But our bond isn’t completed, and he’s never mentioned feeling my pain before…” I trail off, noting how he never said anything about when I cut my wrist with the dagger or when he fed from me. Did it hurt him to do that and it’s just another thing he never told me?

“And because you’re bond isn’t completed you didn’t truly experience his pain, not to the full extent. You’re not a God, but your partially completed bond was enough for you to feel what it was like when a God unleashes on another. Oshmin could survive it because he’s stronger, but had we not stopped Jartre, the echo of Oshmin’s pain would have definitely killed you,” she says gravely. I take a moment to process that. Really what I felt was only a fraction of his pain? I guess that makes sense. Gods can withstand insurmountable pain, they can survive an attack from one of their own, but I can’t. So while Oshmin could take it, just feeling an echo of it was enough to nearly kill me. That thought has my blood reaching boiling point.

What was it going to fucking take?! His fight with Jartre nearly killed me and still, STILL, he fought with his last breath to keep the truth from me. He practically begged Jartre not to tell me. As much of a dick as he is, he was right, he was the only one to be upfront and honest from the beginning. While he looked like Osiah, he never truly claimed to be him. He told me I couldn’t trust Osiah. He told me he wasn’t who he claimed he was. He told me everything he did was because he hates him and all of that was true because as it turns out Osiah was Oshmin. Jartre even gave him the chance to own up and he still didn’t do it. The pain and sadness I was feeling a moment ago are now pushed aside as they make way for utter rage.

“Yildiz… I understand you’re angry, but don’t do anything rash. If there’s anything-”

“I don’t want you to do anything. This is already too much for me, I can’t handle much more and the one person I want to talk to about it isn’t here! So please just LEAVE ME ALONE!” I scream in fury and despair.

I hear as she sucks in a breath, “I understand. But know you can call me should you need me… would you like me to explain things to your sisters, so they leave you be?” she gently asks.

“Fine!” I snap. With a nod, she disappears and leaves me in peace, though it’s not very peaceful. Her attempts at consoling me have only enraged me. The ways in which Oshmin hurt me just continue to grow and grow. All I can think right now is that I have to get away. I have to get away from here and the Kartheca. Away from reminders of my dead sister and betrayals of my animai. I need to go somewhere I can breathe and process things in peace. And I know exactly where to go.

I get to my feet and rush to my room. I make a B-line for the closet and rummage around until I find a suitably sized travel bag. I make quick work of packing it with whatever essential clothing I may need. I can always go shopping should I require more. I pack my toiletries, do a quick assessment, then sling my bag over my shoulder and race off to find Aulen. It takes me a while sniffing around for her like a bloodhound while dodging my sisters, but I eventually find her scarlet red and French violet aura sitting in the underground hot spring. 

“Aulen?” I call out, as I walk down the steps and over to her, being cautious of my footing so I don’t accidentally fall in.

“What are you doing down here? Everyone’s been freaking out wondering if you’re okay,” she says with clear concern in her voice.

“I’m far from okay. I need you to open a portal to Invictus,” I say, suddenly met with a strong sense of déjà vu. May be a different twin, but it’s becoming a regular occurrence asking a makkari to send me off to Oregon.

“Invictus? Why?” she asks in confusion.

“Because I need to get away from here, and it’s the first place I could think of.”

“You’re leaving?!” She cries.

“Not forever, I just need to get away and be by myself for a while,” I sigh.

“Oh. Okay, if that’s what you need right now then I’d be happy to help,” she says sincerely. I watch as the French violet of her aura once again intensifies and travels down her arms before creating an oval shape in front of me, “For what it’s worth, I don’t know what’s going on, but I hope this gives you what you need. Nuray would have supported you,” she says with a sad tremble in her voice.

I give her a sad smile as her words pierce me like an arrow, “Thank you, Aulen,” I say softly as I step through the portal, an instant sense of relief coming over me as I leave the Kartheca and take in the fresh, crisp air of Oregon.