Chapter 19

**STEPH POV**

I wake up with a heavy head and a really fucking sore throat, did he really kiss me like that? And then he ruined it! He made me pass the fuck out. What the hell is wrong with him? I mean I know that he’s mafia and all, but I never expected that. It could have been so nice; I was even getting wet for him! Well, jokes on him, I am never kissing him again. No matter what he does. Fuck him, and his money, and this fucking deal we made.

I hate him, more than I hate anyone else on this earth, that is, except for David and his goons, they will always reign number one. They ruined me for everyone else. I’m trash because of them.

Only pain will make me orgasm, and I mean real pain, not just a slap to the backside. It’s sickening, and I hate myself for it.

I shouldn’t have let him choke me, I should have tried harder to stop him, but gods, it felt so good at the same time. If he touched me in that moment he would have realised what I sick person I am.

He would have thrown me away like the garbage I am.

And then my sister would be left amongst the wolves of the city, all alone. And I’d be dead. No good to anyone.

I have never even had a long-term boyfriend, I prefer to just sleep around, I can’t get hurt that way. No attachment means no risks of it turning sour.

Some men like it, being able to hurt you whilst they fuck you, and they aren’t bad men, not from what I’ve seen. You really do never know what goes on inside someone else’s head.

At least Alexi knows that he isn’t a good man, he doesn’t try to hide what he has done, and somehow, that makes him even more attractive.

He knows he is evil, and he doesn’t care. He wears it like a second skin.

I never told anyone what happened to me when I lived with David, I ran away so many times, and lived on the streets with my infant sister, just to be brought back kicking and screaming, begging the social worker of the police to leave us where they found us. But they never did. They always took us back to him. At one point, I lost all contact with my sister. I knew nothing of her care. I wasn’t even allowed to visit. He could have killed her, or worse, and I would have never known the truth.

That’s when I decided to go back once and for all, it’s when we agreed that if she remained protected that I would work for him. It was the best and worse decision of my life. But it kept her safe, and to me, that is all that matters.

My happiness never meant anything, I could be happy when she was safely out of that place. When I had gotten her away from it all.

In a way, I have succeeded in that, just not in the way that I would have hoped. But I know that no matter what happens between Alexi and I, she will be placed somewhere safe. Somewhere David and his men cannot hurt her.

If I died today with that knowledge, I would be able to leave this life in peace. I’d be able to go beyond and maybe even see my mother again.

She wasn’t a bad mum, but she was all we had, and she gave it all up to have my sister, she gave her life so Sarah could be born. The cancer spread too far to stop. She made me promise that I would always take care of her, that I would choose her over anyone else, and I always have.

Would she be proud of me if she saw me now, knowing what I have done to protect my sister?

I doubt it.

I doubt she would understand.

I angrily wipe my tears just as the door opens, Alexi walking in with a tray off food in his hands, “I thought you might be hungry, you didn’t eat much popcorn.” He says, closing the door and turning to face me, his eyes narrowing, “why are you crying?”

“Memories.” I say, trying to dismiss the entire thing. “It doesn’t matter.”

“If they are strong enough to make you cry, then they matter.” He says, sounding strangely wise and he places the tray in front of me. “Tell me.”

I want to ignore him, I want to pretend that I didn’t hear him, but the moment he sits down across from me, I begin to cry again.

“She left it all to me.” I say, crossing my arms around myself, “I was still only a child, and she left me with a baby sister to care for and no home.”

“Your mother?” He asks, leaning forward on his arms, “Did she die?”

I nod, wiping my nose on the back of my hand, “cancer, she didn’t know she had it until after she had the first pregnancy scan.”

“It wasn’t her fault.” He says softly, “and it wasn’t yours either, you have every right to be mad at her, at the world, at me. I would be mad if I was given the hand you’ve been dealt.”

“Being mad doesn’t change anything.” I say, trying to stop myself from sobbing and sharing too much. “It is actions that change life, not feelings.”

“Maybe it’s both.” He says with a smile, a gentle smile, “I know I’ve made decisions in the heat of the moment before, all based off emotion, and I am sure you have too.”

I stare at him, wondering how someone so evil could understand me in a way that no one else ever could.

“If I let my emotions rule me, I would have killed him a long time ago.” I say, allowing all the anger I feel towards that man rush through me.

I can hear the hatred and venom in my words. In my voice.

“Then why didn’t you?” He asks, watching me with dark eyes, “why didn’t you kill him and end all of your problems?”

“Because it wouldn’t have ended my problems.” I say with a sigh, “it would have added more. I couldn’t go to prison and leave my sister without anyone to look after her.”

“Someone else would have taken over the children’s home, she wouldn’t have been out of the street.” He says with a frown.

“Yes.” I growl, “and they could have been just as bad as David or worse. I was lucky, I was his favourite. That’s why he was willing to make a deal.”

“He wants you dead.” Alexi growls back, “that doesn’t exactly scream favourite to me.”

I turn away, “that’s because I have gotten too old, he likes the younger girls. Not the older ones. It’s why he wants me gone, so he can have Sarah.”

Alexi growls loudly, slamming his hand into the wall beside us, his first going straight through. “How could anyone do that to a child?!” He asks, panting in anger.

“There are a lot of people out there who feel the same as David.” I say, finding it strange that I am the calm one. “I’m just unlucky enough to know a good share of them.”

He turns to me, his eyes darker than ever before, “did they touch you? David and his men?” He asks, “did they touch you whilst you were a child?”

I consider not answering, what would he do If I don’t? Would he take my silence for the truth? I hope not.

He won’t want me anymore. He’ll throw me away.

Broken. Used. Ruined. That is what I am.

And he’s going to see it.

He’s going to see how broken I am.