CHAPTER 38 — PITY
Ignoring the dull pain that had made a home for itself in her heart, Lily watched a bird build a nest on a branch that extended to the entrance of her window. She sat on the settee, her attention fixed on the busy bird. Perhaps it was because of the desperation of her heart to not focus on the pain that was eating her from the inside, dragging down the walls of her heart, stealing her joy and threatening to drive her mad.
The bird stopped working, turning to look at her as if suddenly realizing her presence. She forced a smile to her lips and gave a single nod, encouraging the bird to continue. It didn’t. Dropping the leaf in its beak, it hopped towards her window and landed on the windowsill.
“Oh.” She smiled genuinely for the first time in two weeks, stretching out her hand for the bird to stand on.
A loud knock interrupted her thoughts, scaring the bird away and reawakening her to her hurt, anger and fear.
She withdrew her hand to herself and turned to the door. “Please come in.” The door opened and the familiar woman with curly black hair appeared. A smile graced her beautiful face as she carried a tray in her hands.
“I cooked this for you.” She stepped into the room and placed the tray on a table before Lily. “Chicken soup. I also had a maid bake some bread, only because I’m so terrible at baking.” She settled on a settee opposite Lily and pulled the cover off the bowl, the smell of chicken causing Lily’s stomach to growl in rejection. The sight of the meal before her made her feel nauseous.
“Thank you, Fiona,” she whispered softly, not wanting to offend Fiona. She would force a few spoonsful into her mouth before rejecting the food in entirety.
“Do eat something, Lily, I wouldn’t want you to lose weight under my care.”
She glanced down at the soup. “I cannot stomach anything but coffee,” she confessed. “I do not wish to eat, but I will try.”
Fiona reached forward from across the table and placed a hand on Lily’s knee. “This will soon be over, I promise.”
“Did Raymond come today?” she whispered softly, turning her attention back to the window, hoping that the bird would reappear.
“No.” Fiona’s response helped to heighten her pain. “Perhaps he is busy in…”
“He has been busy for two weeks, Fiona.” She dismissed her with a wave of her hand. “The bird,” she nodded to the nest that was almost complete, “I hope she returns to finish.”
“If you would reject my cooking, at least have some coffee. It calms you; I have noticed. I will call for a hot pot right now.” Fiona pulled at a string that most likely connected directly to a bell in the kitchen.
They sat in silence for several minutes until a maid arrived with a steaming pot of coffee and a plate of cookies. Fiona urged Lily to drink, insisting she downs the entire cup. The coffee filled Lily’s body with a semblance of strength, as if muscling the weakness from her joints. It was the only thing she would agree to, the only thing that had kept her alive for two weeks: coffee. Something about it helped to numb the dull pain in her heart for several minutes, until it would return, each time more intense than the last.
“I will brew some chamomile tea to help you sleep tonight. I will also have a warm bath brought to your room.”
“Will you do one more thing for me, Fiona?” Even as the question drifted from her lips, Lily’s body trembled.
“Anything.” Fiona bobbed her head.
“Will you go to the farm with me? I need to say goodbye to the children.”
***
The shovel pushed the hay that littered the barn into a tall pile.
Raymond threw the shovel aside, the farm tool landing on the ground in a loud clatter in reflection of its thrower’s anger. He turned from the pile of hay and carried a bucket of water to the stall of the horses, filling each animal’s water bowl.
Fatigue called for his attention, but he ignored it. He needed to work in order not to give in to his frustration.
Two weeks!
Surely, he was wrong, surely, he deserved Lily’s anger for what he said to Fiona, but he had been begging for two weeks. He had shown up in the boarding house every day since then, begging. But Lily wouldn’t see him. She would, instead, send Fiona to inform him she didn’t care to see him. It didn’t matter how long and how much he begged; her mind was made up.
He was running out of explanations to give the children. He couldn’t explain Lily’s absence for two weeks, and he knew they suspected his excuse that she had gone on a trip was false. If Lily would, at least, look past her fury towards him, if she would think about the children...
He groaned, turning from the animals. The children needed to be fed, he thought as he made his way to the house and pushed the back door wide open.
“Papa?” someone called as he entered.
He forced a smile to his lips. “Hello, Millie.”
“Where’s Mama?” Her little voice carried her displeasure.
“I told you already, Mirabel,” he tried to speak softly.
“But Louisa needs stitches.”
“We’ll fix your dolly later.”
“Now!” Millie stomped her foot, before crumbling to the floor in a pile of tears and tantrums.
Raymond looked on helplessly, mouth hanging loose.
“Don’t worry, Papa.” Scarlet gathered Millie from the floor. “I’ll fix Louisa, Millie.” She took Millie’s hand, led her up the stairs, four children following closely behind.
Raymond ran nervous fingers through his hair, a tired sigh escaping his lips. A small shiver raced down his spine, tears filling his eyes as he thought of Lily, and as he thought of his own cruelty and foolishness. If only she would listen, if only she would give him an audience for two more seconds...
A knock on the door pulled his attention. He hurriedly wiped his tears away and crossed the room to the door. When he pulled it open, Lily was standing there, blue eyes clouded.
***
“Here,” Scarlet said, wrestling the doll from Millie’s grip. “I’ll stitch her up.”
“But I want Mama to fix it.” Millie pouted.
Scarlet shook her head, fighting her tears. She knew Lily wasn’t coming back; she knew because she felt the same void in her heart that she did the day her mother died. She had lost two mothers in only a few years.
Well, she wasn’t losing any more mothers; she was going to take care of her siblings. She was going to be here for them and not let any other woman deceive them into believing she loved them. Wasn’t that what Lily did, deceive them?! Anger raced through Scarlet’s veins as she rose to her feet and turned to the door. She would have a conversation with her father, she would swear to care for her siblings herself. Lily had taught her how to read, cook and stitch clothes. She would learn to do the laundry herself and would keep the house clean. Surely, Papa wouldn’t need another bride, surely the children wouldn’t need another mother! All she had to do was convince him of this.
“Stay here,” she instructed the others.
She walked past the hallway and was making her way down the stairs when she heard it: Lily was downstairs.
***
“I came to say goodbye to the children, Ray, do not make this hard for me,” she snapped, eyes burning with rage.
Raymond understood, he even believed himself deserving of her anger, but Fiona’s presence in his living room only helped to heighten his anger. He desperately wanted to slam her conniving body through the walls of the building.
“I beg of you, Lily…”
“No!” she said tersely. “I won’t stand here and have you lie to me—lie about loving me, lie about everything!”
He stepped forward then, but she backed away, her rejection feeling like a stab to his heart. “I didn’t lie.” His lips trembled, tears filling his eyes.
“Then Fiona did? You did not plan to abort our baby. You did not nearly die in the snow because…” She shook her head furiously.
“Lily, please.”
“Answer the question, Raymond!” Fiona snapped.
He turned to her, his fingers curling into an angry fist. “Leave my property.” He clenched his teeth.
“I only pity those children,” Lily cut in, “forced to have a father like you!”
He turned back to her, his frown deepening. She pitied his children?! She didn’t have a right to pity his children! Here she stood, joining forces with a woman who actively fought to end their marriage and all she had to say was ‘she pitied his children’! Did she believe them incapable of surviving without her? Did she place herself so highly in the lives of his children?! Perhaps he wasn’t a perfect father, but he wasn’t the monster she believed him to be, and his children did not need her pity.
“If you insist on going with this woman,” he turned briefly to Fiona, his heart protesting his next words, “do so. I will have your things brought to the boarding house.” He turned back to Lily, who did nothing to hide the shock she felt. “You will not say goodbye to my children, you will not pity my children!”
Trembling, he watched helplessly as Lily turned around and made her way out of the building. His entire being told him to go after her, but his legs stubbornly remained glued to the floorboards as tears rolled down his face.