CHAPTER 37 — BEING A MAN

Fury clouded Raymond’s ability to reason properly. Fury, not only directed at Fiona for trying to take his home away, but directed at himself for being foolish enough to make a false purchase of land.

False!

The word rang in his ears for many days. The deed was false! Fake! He had lived illegally on a land that didn’t belong to him for many years. One look at his deed and the town’s solicitor could tell that it was fake. Much more than that, the land had been legally registered in Fiona’s name. He was living on a ticking time bomb and eventually, Fiona would show up on his doorstep with a solicitor of her own to claim her land. He would be forced to court where he would have nothing but a fake piece of paper to show and would be instructed to leave the farm, thrown out on the streets with his family.

The facts plagued him. They deprived him of peace, rest and sleep. They bombarded his mind until he stumbled around the house, like a man bearing the weight of the entire world upon his shoulders. It didn’t matter that he hadn’t seen Fiona in six weeks; he was restless. She would show up at some point, he knew that much.

He laid in bed beside Lily, who slept peacefully. He knew their relationship was getting strained once more. He knew she suspected something was wrong, and several times, he tried to bring himself to tell her, but every time, he withdrew into his old shell of grief and uncertainty. He couldn’t put the burden of homelessness on Lily’s shoulders; he had brought the mess upon them. It was his responsibility to clean it up, not hers.

He pushed his entire weight upon his elbows and struggled to a sitting position. Slowly, he rose to his feet in the darkness, the fire in the hearth having gone off long ago. The room was still considerably warm, and he knew they wouldn’t be needing wood until the next morning. He stumbled through the dark room, deciding it was useless trying to fall asleep. Perhaps he could begin work on the farm and pour all his frustration into it, even if there were several hours left before daybreak.

His footsteps were silent on the floorboards as he made his way across the room. He had successfully gotten to the door when pain registered in his mind and a loud growl escaped his lips. He fell to the floor with a loud thud, his hands flying to take hold of his right leg that was now throbbing.

“Ray?” He heard Lily’s gentle whisper in the darkness.

He bit down on his lower lip, groaning loudly. He heard Lily scramble to her feet, rushing over to him in the dark and bending to her knees beside him.

“Are you alright?” He shook his head furiously, rubbing his shin. She wrapped her hand around his arm and helped him to his feet. He leaned his entire weight on his left leg and stood on tiptoe on the other.

“I stumbled on something,” he ground out through clenched teeth, his shin throbbing.

“The chair.” She leaned over and lifted the chair up. “Sit.” She helped him settle in the chair.

“Go back to sleep, Lily, I’m sorry I…” She ignored him, walking over to the table where she lit a lamp.

“I need to make sure you’re not injured.” She knelt before him and began examining his leg. “It seems fine.” She bobbed her head. “No open wound, the pain should pass.”

“Thank you,” he was saying as she rose to her feet. Leaning down over him, she searched his eyes for a few seconds in silence.

“What bothers you, Ray?” she whispered softly. Reaching forward, her warm hand settled against his cheek, calming him. “Whatever it is, we’ll fix it.”

Tears filled his eyes in that minute, wanting nothing more than to hold her in his arms and lay all his burdens on her. But that was weakness speaking; he couldn’t be weak with Lily, like he had been with Rachel. He had allowed her to bear all his problems with the promise that they would fix it, and she had borne it to death. It wasn’t Lily’s job to fix anything; it was his.

He ignored his desire to confess his troubles to her, but not his desire to pull her into his arms, ignoring the throbbing in his leg. Releasing a hand from around her waist, he caressed her face, his eyes locked with hers. Her body fit so perfectly in his, he thought in that moment that they belonged together, that he genuinely loved her. His heart beat rose a notch as he glided his hand down the smoothness of her face and to her neck. She was fragile, deserving of his protection. He couldn’t ask her to bear more burdens than she already had to bear by the simple act of being his wife.

Her hand still rested on his face, her eyes still searching his. He let her see it then, his love for her. He let her see in his eyes how much he wanted to be there for her, how much he wanted to protect and provide for her, how he didn’t want to lose her, how he would do anything to keep her.

When he leaned forward and their lips locked, he tightened his hold around her, pulling her further into him.

“Don’t leave me, Lily,” his voice came out in a husky whisper as his lips brushed against hers. “Never leave me.”

“Never.” She smiled at him. “Never.”

***

Fiona was growing weary, and it didn’t look very good on her. It left wrinkles pulling at the edges of her brows, her heart palpitating and her fists clenched. Yet, she told herself to be patient. It wouldn’t do to gain a piece of land that was worth next to nothing, drag Raymond to court and kick him out of her property. It wouldn’t do because by doing so, she would lose Raymond and he was the sole reason she had endured the unpleasantness of the small town—the sole reason she had purchased an entire boarding house and a farm.

She fanned herself with her hand fan as she sat in the confines of her carriage, sweat beading her skin. Her eyes were fixed on the moving streets outside. Perhaps she would need to pay Raymond a visit, perhaps her mere presence would demand his attention.

Just then, she glimpsed a familiar group of people on the street: Lily and the children. She hadn’t spoken to or seen Lily since the day of the town hall party. She cared nothing for Lily, but she would need to go through her to get to her husband.

Ordering the coachman to stop, she didn’t wait for him to pull open the door before pushing it open herself and hurriedly climbing down. She crossed the road quickly to the other side of the street where Lily stood before the supply shop, the same spot Fiona had seen her at the day she invited her over to the boarding house for tea.

Lily turned as Fiona approached, an immediate frown of displeasure settling on her face.

“Lily,” Fiona began, coming to a halt before her and patting her large skirt nervously. “It is so nice to meet you after so many weeks.”

“Do you have cookies today, Miss Fiona?” Lenny grinned. The little boy had quite a belly on him, and Fiona knew she could use that to her advantage.

“And candies, lots of them.” Her words earned her broad smiles from all six children. Lily’s frown, however, deepened.

“I will get you candy, children.” Lily turned from Fiona.

“Oh, do not punish the children for my own foolishness, Lily! Do come to the boarding house and allow me to beg your forgiveness.” She clasped her hands before her in a prayer stance and imitated a pout.

“Only a few minutes,” Lily finally conceded, the frown maintaining its position on her face.

The ride to the boarding house was silent. Fiona allowed the children freedom to jump around and examine every snack in the kitchen, throwing in a jar of candies for good measures. When she was certain she had gotten rid of them, she made her way to the parlor where she had left Lily, and placed herself on the sofa next to her, taking both her hands captive.

“Forgive me, will you not? I was drunk with wine and well, I’m intolerable sometimes.”

“Please, Fiona, do not beg. Our friendship cannot possibly work. You offend me a lot.” Lily pulled away and placed her hands on her lap.

“But I have offended you just once since we became friends and you cannot turn away from me so easily, can you? Forgive me, Lily, I was silly to have said what I did about the abortion. It is your business, and Raymond’s. I really am not a busybody.”

Lily raised her eyes to her. “I would never harm my child.”

“Yes, of course not!” Fiona nodded furiously. “My assumption was silly. I can only wish the best for you and Raymond. You have such lovely children.”

“I know.” A smile tugged on the corners of her lips. “Yet I wonder every day what my baby would have been like. I cannot discuss this with Raymond, of course.”

“Then you want more children?”

She nodded, her eyes brightening. “Perhaps three more.”

“And Raymond?” Fiona reached for a bell that sat on the coffee table and gave it a small shake, contemplating Lily’s words. She might have been drunk when she confronted Lily about the abortion, but she wasn’t drunk when Raymond spoke about one. “Does he want more children?”

“We haven’t discussed it. He wouldn’t even speak of the one we lost. I know he grieves, but I do not know if he wants more. Perhaps he fears, for you see his first wife died having a baby.”

Fiona was thankful for the appearance of the maid, the brief distraction giving her the chance to hide the smile that immediately sprang to her lips at Lily’s confession. Raymond didn’t want a child. Of course! It explained everything! It explained his planned abortion... She pressed her lips together to keep from gasping aloud. He was going to force his wife to have an abortion without her knowledge.

“Lemonade.” She nodded to the maid, who nodded and scurried away. “Does this mean you forgive me?” She turned to Lily, eyes pleading. Not that she needed the friendship, but if there was more to know, she needed to know it.

Once Lily nodded, the conversation became lighter. They talked about the weather, flowers and eventually, fashion. Lily’s mother had been a dressmaker, and Lily had learned to make dresses herself. Fiona confessed to not having her mother live long enough to teach her anything, immediately gaining Lily’s sympathy.

“You have a visitor, Miss Wilkinson,” a maid announced.

Fiona nodded and rose to her feet, excusing herself. She needed a break from Lily and the never-ending chit chatter, anyway. She reached the hallway to find Raymond standing there, black hat in hand. A smile immediately sprang to her face at the sight of him clad in black pants, white shirt and dirty black boots. His muscles bulged within the confines of his shirt; his jaw set at the sight of her as his grip on his hat tightened. 

Heat climbed up Fiona’s body, a brief image of him clads in nothing and on her bed flashing through her mind.

“Ra—”

“Where’s Lily and my children?” he snapped, glancing behind her.

“No hug?” she teased, ignoring his hostility.

“Where are they?”

“The children are turning my boarding house upside-down and Lily is in the guest parlor.” She gestured behind her. He made to walk past her when she called him, “Planning on having yet another child for you. You do not plan to kill this one, do you?” She turned around slowly, her eyes coming to rest on his tense back. “You do not love her, Raymond.” The veins in his clenched knuckle bulged as he tightened his hold on his hat. “I am not asking for your love either, I’m asking that you keep my bed warm. Perhaps I will tire for you—”

“Enough!” he growled, turning around as furious eyes settled on her.

She recoiled inwardly but kept a brave face. “Do not pretend to be a saint, I have been married in the past and he cheated many times!” Anger welled up on her inside. “Do not pretend to be different, there is no such thing as a different man! I want you, Raymond, like I have never wanted anything before and I will get you.”

He grabbed her wrist then, slamming her body painfully against the wall, evoking a loud yelp from her lips. She opened her mouth to yell profanities at him, but a wide-eyed figure behind her caught her attention.

“You tried to force Lily to have an abortion because you are a coward. You do not want a child from that woman, you never will! Admit it, Raymond,” she yelled. “Admit it! Be man enough to admit!”

“I do not!” he yelled, veins bulging in his neck. “I do not, and I never will want another child!” He slammed his fist against the wall beside her head. Turning from him, her eyes darted to the figure behind him.

“You are only using her, are you not?”

“My relationship with my wife is not your business.”

“At least be man enough to admit it to her.” Fiona beamed, nodding to the figure behind him. “Be man enough, Raymond.”

She waited until he had fully turned around to see what she was staring at: his horrified wife