Chapter 202
Chapter 202
James
The stars are hard to see tonight. New Jersey's light pollution smothers them, even in the suburbs where Rue and Travis live. The sky just looks blank, like someone painted over all the stars with a city glow. That doesn’t stop me from crashing into the hammock they have set up in their backyard. Its one of those camping ones that hug you like a cocoon. I’m not lying in it properly though. I’m turned the other way so my bare feet stick out the side, soles grazing the cool grass. The feel of it is nice and i’m feeling grounded.
Dinner had been the usual overload of family warmth and pack politics. My cousin’s house was always the kind of scene that made most people feel safe and cozy. It just made me feel envious of a life that could’ve been mine. I’d played along as the fun uncle all dinner, chewed through a few bites of over-cooked lasagna, nodded at the right times, and slipped out before i said something i’d regret. I could only handle so many ugly eyes between Rue and Travis. The parental warmth they gave to not only Reece but the twins as well was overwhelming.
I shoved off the grass with my heel and let the hammock rock back and forth while I stare up into the black atmosphere. This time I’m not looking for stars, but seeking the moon. Or at least the sliver that's left of it. The cool night air reminds me that I’ve spent all winter without Beau. The whisper of feet against the grass alerts me that someone is walking this way but without my wolf. My senses are too dulled to human-level mediocrity to actually detect anything. No scent. No aura. No real instinct to tell me who’s coming. I brace for whoever is about to lecture me.
“This hammock seems to be your favorite spot lately.” Rue said, plopping down in the hammock next to me. The canvas dipped with her weight, pulling us close in that way hammocks always do. I’d enjoy the closeness if Rue wasn’t purposely putting distance between us by pushing her elbows up. It was the brick wall of friendship she’d put up when Travis and her finally got together. If I was honest with myself it was longer than that.
“It’s quiet.” I replied, keeping my gaze on the moon. “And its got a good view of the moon.”
My mind raced to the events of this morning, to Mattie. The way she called me Satan should’ve pissed me off. instead it almost made me laugh again. I was in a strangely good mood for it being a new moon tomorrow night. In fact, I was in the best mood I’d been in since the wedding.
“When I lost my wolf I hated the full moon.” Rue reminisced. Her beautiful chocolate eyes stared lovingly up that the sliver of moon, like she’s trying to spot the version of herself back then, “You used to make me go out on the beach and we would camp out there.”
“Rue, stop—“ I murmured, already knowing where this was going.
“Even when I didn’t want to, you’d grab my hand and pull me along. She softly continues.
“Don’t…”
“I used to hate you for it.” She said despite my protests. My stomach twisted. “I would get so mad when you dragged me down to the beach and the full moon was like a bright big sign of what I’d lost. That damn moon just hung over me, reminding me I wasn’t whole.” She shoved the hammock into motion with her heels.
“I get it.” I folded my hands behind my head and whatever good mood I had started to burn off like mist. I didn’t know where she was going now with this, but i’ve got a sinking feeling I’m not going to like the destination. “I’m an asshole.”
“Thing is,” She continued, voice even softer now. “After a while, I treasured those moments because it made me feel less alone. You never asked me to explain anything. you just let me be. Whether that was sad, crying, or downright depressed, you’d just drag me and Reece, when he came along, down to your private beach area. You’re happy-go-lucky lifestyle bullshit always felt like a moment of relief to me. it gave me room to breath when i was suffocating.”
I glanced at Rue, wanting to tell her the truth. I longed to tell her that those were some of the most amazing nights of my life. But I caught a glimpse of Travis and Reese on the back deck, hunched over some half-built engine. Over the last few years they moved from plastic models to the real machinery. They are growing as a family, getting older and bigger. They are changing without me. While I'm still stuck.
Rue’s eyes are looking up at the last bits of moon, her face drawn tight with emotion like she’s fighting something dark inside. Something i recognized in my own thoughts. I wanted to say something real, something that matters, but all I can think about is how much I don’t want to lose her. Lose more of her than I already have. I tried to hate my cousin at first but the truth is, Travis didn’t come between us. It wasn’t a matter of choosing him or me; because it was always him.
Rue is looking at Travis and Reece now, her features soft with a loving tenderness I only witnessed in these circumstances. Maybe if I give her something of myself, she wont keep taking away more of herself from me. Maybe she will look at me like she used to when i selfishly dragged her to the beach—like a raft in the middle of the ocean, like someone actually needed me.
“It was just as you described.” I said quietly.
“What was?” She blinked, then turned to me.
“The Moon Goddess.”
“You saw her?” Her eyes widened in surprise and for a second I’m reminded of Mattie’s surprised look this morning.