Chapter 51 Punishing My Hands
Calix Pov
Dawn was gray and cold when I got to the training field. The sun wasn't up yet and everything looked dark and empty. Nobody else was here. That's how I wanted it. I needed to be alone. I needed to work through everything burning inside my chest.
I dropped my bag on the ground and walked straight to the heavy punching bag. I didn't bother wrapping my hands. I didn't bother warming up. I just started hitting.
My fists connected with the bag over and over. Left. Right. Left. Right. Each punch echoed across the empty field. Each impact sent pain shooting up my arms. But the physical pain was nothing compared to what I felt inside.
My knuckles split open after the tenth punch. Blood smeared across the bag. I didn't stop. I hit harder. I hit faster. I needed to feel something other than the guilt that was eating me alive.
"You hurt her," my wolf said mournfully inside my head. "You hurt our mate."
"Shut up," I growled out loud. I slammed my fist into the bag so hard it swung wildly on its chain.
"She looked at you with those eyes," my wolf continued. "She trusted you. She wanted you. And you called it a mistake."
"It was a mistake," I said through gritted teeth. "Marking her was the biggest mistake of my life."
But even as I said it I knew it was a lie. Marking Maddie hadn't felt like a mistake. It had felt right. It had felt perfect. It had felt like the most natural thing in the world.
That's what made it so dangerous. That's what made it so wrong. Because everything I loved died. Everyone I cared about got taken by my curse. And Maddie would be no different.
I thought about my mother. The way she used to smile at me when I was little. The way she would read me stories before bed. The way she died screaming when the curse finally took her.
I thought about my brother. The way we used to train together. The way he would laugh and push me to be better. The way his body looked cold and lifeless after the curse killed him too.
Better hurt than dead. That's what I kept telling myself. Better Maddie hated me and lived than loved me and died.
I collapsed to my knees in the dirt. My breath came in ragged gasps. My hands were bleeding badly now. Blood dripped onto the ground beneath me. I stared at it and felt nothing. Physical pain didn't matter. It never had.
"This isn't sustainable," my wolf said quietly. "You can't keep living like this. You can't keep fighting the bond."
"Watch me," I said. I forced myself back to my feet. My legs shook but I stayed standing.
I went back to the punching bag. I hit it again. And again. And again. I lost count of how many times my fists connected. I lost track of time. All I knew was the rhythm of violence and pain.
The sun started rising slowly. Gray light spread across the field. Soon other people would show up for morning training. I needed to leave before anyone saw me like this. Before anyone asked questions I couldn't answer.
I grabbed my bag and started walking toward the locker rooms. My hands throbbed with every step. Blood dripped from my knuckles and left a trail behind me. I would need to clean them up and bandage them before class.
"You're destroying yourself," my wolf said sadly. "And for what? She's suffering too. You're both suffering. The curse might kill her but this is killing you both slowly."
"At least this way she lives," I said quietly. "At least this way she has a chance at a future. Even if that future doesn't include me."
I pushed through the locker room door and went straight to the sink. I turned on the cold water and stuck my hands under it. The water turned pink with blood. I watched it swirl down the drain and wished I could wash away my feelings as easily.
My phone buzzed in my pocket. I pulled it out with wet bloody hands and looked at the screen. It was a text from Simone.
"Good morning. Want to grab breakfast together?"
I stared at the message for a long moment. Simone was perfect on paper. She was beautiful. She was from a good family. She would make an acceptable mate for a future Alpha. She was safe.
But she wasn't Maddie. Nobody was Maddie. Nobody would ever be Maddie.
I deleted the message without responding and put my phone away. I couldn't deal with Simone right now. I couldn't deal with anything except trying to make it through another day without breaking completely.
I cleaned my hands as best I could and wrapped them in gauze from the first aid kit. The white bandages quickly turned red but at least they covered the worst of the damage. At least nobody would ask too many questions.
I looked at myself in the mirror above the sink. I looked terrible. My eyes were bloodshot. My face was pale. I had dark circles under my eyes from not sleeping. I looked like exactly what I was. A man being torn apart by his own choices.
"This is the price," I told my reflection. "This is what it costs to keep her alive. And I would pay it a thousand times over."
My wolf didn't respond this time. He just retreated deeper into my mind. He was done arguing with me. He knew I wouldn't change my mind. He knew I would rather destroy myself than risk Maddie's life.
I grabbed my bag and left the locker room. I had class in an hour. I needed to go back to my dorm and change clothes. I needed to pretend everything was fine. I needed to act like a normal college student instead of a cursed Alpha heir who was slowly dying inside.