Namesake

Namesake
NICOLE
As we make it to the hospital, I try to go through everything Roman told me before we left the apartment, in my mind. 
Esmeralda died this morning. 
Roman has to be the sole custodian of their baby, or give it up for adoption. 
I haven't really allowed myself to think about Esmeralda during these past few weeks. Every time I did, I dismissed the thought immediately, almost like the guilt was too much for me to bear. 
Now, I have to confront this new reality. I genuinely don't know what to do or even think, and judging by the way Roman is tiptoeing around me, I guess he doesn't know what to expect either. 
"What're we doing here?" I ask him once he speaks to the receptionist, who greets him in a familiar way and I have no idea why. 
"Nikki," he says before facing me and cupping my face in his hands. "I know we promised each other not to keep secrets anymore, but I have to be honest with you right now."
My heart drops again. It hasn't even been half an hour since the last time. "What is it? What haven't you been telling me, Roman?"
"You were so stressed about everything that happened and I didn't want to burden you with this."
"With what? I already told you that we should never keep secrets from each other!" I feel flustered and irritated because I don't know what's going on. His reaction is scaring me. 
"The truth is that I've been coming here every day. Not for Esmeralda, of course, but for the baby."
I blink a few times as I stare back at him. "The baby?"
Roman says nothing and just stares at me. I know he's waiting for a reaction but I don't have any. I've been so focused on my own life that this slipped my mind. I ask, "Really? You have?"
He nods. 
"And how is he?"
"Getting better every day," he claims. "I brought you here because I want you to get a look at him. Do you want to?"
I nod, and he offers me a small smile. Several nurses walk past him and greet him. So this is why the one at the front desk greeted him like she knew him so well. 
I wish he'd told me. 
Why didn't he?
"You'll have to disinfect your hands, wear a mask, a cap, and a gown. Is that alright?"
"Of course."
We enter a room filled with incubators, and he walks straight to the one where his son is. When I see the baby, I don't know why, but it just hits me so hard. I glance at him and see the look on his face. The pride. The emotion. 
"He's so much bigger now," Roman explains without looking at me. "You can't believe the progress he's made. You just can't."
"Have you named him?"
Roman shakes his head, then looks at me again. "I thought that maybe we could do it together."
My heart skips a beat in my chest. I now realize why he brought me here. Why he wanted me to see the baby. 
He wants to keep him. Of course, he does. 
To give this innocent baby up for adoption wouldn't be right. That thought never even crossed my mind. I nod at him, and Roman suddenly puts an arm around me and pulls me close. His forehead touches mine and he says, "I need you, Nikki. I need you right beside me when I do this. This baby...he's my responsibility. But I can't do this if you're not right beside me helping me. I'd have no idea where to even start."
Tears gather in my eyes but I don't let them trail down my cheeks. "I don't know, Roman. I'm scared."
"What're you scared of?"
"Everything," I admit. "I know this might sound so heartless, but I'm worried that I won't be able to raise another woman's child. What if I become an evil stepmother or something? What if I can't handle looking at him and seeing what I could never give you? Will I see her when I look at him? How will it make me feel? I don't know, Roman. I'm scared of myself."
Roman surprises me by smiling. "The fact that you're worried about this proves to me that you'll never be this person. You've got so much love in you, Nikki. The fact that we're together is proof of that. I messed up so many times before. Hell, I messed up even now."
"I wish you'd told me."
"I know. But I didn't want to burden you with this until it was absolutely necessary."
I look into his eyes and say, "You know what? I'm so much happier that you were here, watching over him."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
It's a baby. This is what I find myself thinking. And I do want a baby. Hell, if this baby is half of Roman, then I'm pretty sure I can love him, too. Right? 
I don't know. Why am I so scared? Why am I thinking about all these things?
"Will you do this with me, Nikki?" he asks in a low voice. "Will you be right by my side and help me?"
I nod, and he wraps his arms around me and kisses my face. Then, we turn our attention back to the baby. A smile tugs at the corners of my lips. Excitement blooms in my chest. My throat is tight, but I don't want to cry right now. 
"Victor," I suddenly say. "I think that's a beautiful name. He's such a little warrior, isn't he?"
"You have no idea."
I chew my bottom lip and glance at him. "He'll be the only baby our family will see for a long time."
Roma looks at me, then bursts out laughing. He knows what I'm alluding to. 
Mason. My poor brother. He found out Haley tricked him. Roman gave him the money for the DNA test, and sure enough, the baby isn't his. 
He wasn't even sad about it. He figured there was always a chance she was lying to him. So, Haley's been kicked out yet again. 
Well. It's for the best.
"You're an evil one, aren't you?" Roman asks as he throws an arm around my shoulder. 
"You have no idea how happy that news made me."
"I know. I was the one who gave it to you."
Mason and I are back to normal terms, and I made him promise never to let that woman in his life again. Things are good right now, and I'm happy with the news of the baby. 
I really am. 
"Victor," Roman echoes, looking at me. "I like that. A lot."
"Victor Roman."
"Ugh. No. I don't want him named after me."
"You're his father."
"That's so old-fashioned. How about Victor Nikolai?"
I laugh. "After me?"
"Sure."
"It's an English name and a...what? Russian name?"
"Why not? People are naming their kids after objects, Nikki."
"Some objects have nice names."
"Yeah, right."
"I don't know about Nikolai."
"Well, I do."
"No, Roman."
"Fine. Victor Nicholas."
It sounds a lot better. "Okay. Victor Nicolas."
When it hits me that he's naming his baby after me, I burst out crying and we have to leave the room. 
It's too much for me to handle.