Chapter Thirty-Seven

Callie:

“Oh, honey.” Morgan wrapped her arm around me.

I sat on the end of her bed, unable to join in the excitement of graduation. I was heartbroken because of Jamie and nervous because of my dad. This wasn't how I was supposed to feel days before such a big event.

I cried on Morgan's shoulder for what must have been the hundredth time over the past couple weeks.

“I never thought I'd be one to cry over high school being finished.” I laughed, wiping at my eyes.

Morgan snorted. “You were such a loser before you knew me.”

“Hey.” I pinched her side, eliciting a yelp that turned into a giggle.

“Just trying to make you laugh, sweetheart.” Patting the top of my head, she stood and walked into her closet, still searching for the perfect graduation outfit.

“Morgan, you do know we'll have gowns covering our clothes.” I leveled her with a look. “No one will know what we're wearing.”

“But I'll know.” She gave me her best duh stare and spun around so her back was to me. “Mom and dad have bought me so many things for my trip that I didn't want to ask them for something for graduation.”

There was a softness in her voice that was always reserved for her family; a sadness. And then it was gone in the most Morgan-like fashion. She was back to her old self, only a slight dimming of her eyes betraying her loss.

It was familiar because we all had it, a taint to our emotions. Hesitation to our joy. Guilt to our sadness. Regret to our nostalgia.

“Honestly, Cal,” Morgan said, spinning around with a printed black dress in her grasp. “This has been the worst year of my life. But it's also been the best. Being friends with you guys has…” Clearing her throat, she held up the dress. “How about this one?”

“Really? Black?”

She looked at it as if seeing the color for the first time. Shaking her head in surprise, she put it back. “Habit.” I don't know if she meant that to be heard, so I didn't respond.

The next dress she chose was an off the shoulder powder blue semi. I smiled. “Perfect. Very you.” It'd look great with her crystal blue eyes and blond hair.

“Now you.” She grinned and pointed one long, manicured finger my way.

“Nuh uh.” My braid slapped against my shoulder as I swung my head from side to side.

“You're right.” She tapped her finger against her chin. “It's graduation. You should wear something that's screams you.”

I laughed. “Well, that'd be a wetsuit.”

Her smile widened.

“No.” I stood. “I can't wear a wetsuit to my high school graduation.”

“You said yourself that no one would know. Come on. I need some entertainment.”

“Okay, the Morgan I know would never let me go to a ceremony looking anything but my best.”

For just a second, it was like the shades lifted from her eyes, and the shine was back. It was so short, I thought I imagined it.

She pursed her lips. “Maybe I've learned that you only look your best when you look like you.” Putting a hand on each shoulder, she looked me in the eye. “I'm like a proud momma right now.” I would have laughed if she didn't look so serious. “We've been through a lot this year and changed quite a bit. You, my dear, have changed the most. I know you're scared, but the truth of the matter is that you don't need any of us. You never did. But we sure as hell needed you.”

Winding my arms around her back, I pulled her into a hug, my chin barely reaching her shoulder. “I'm glad we're friends too, Morgan. Despite the fact that you're a total sap.”

Morgan hiccupped a laugh, and it was only then I realized she was crying.

“I don't know what I'm going to do without you, Colby, and Jay around,” I said, leaving out the one person I still couldn't think about.

“You're going to kick ass,” she said, pulling back. “That's what you're going to do.”

* * *

I didn't wear a wetsuit. It was May in Florida. There was no way I'd survive the ceremony in that, especially since it was outside.

But I'd heard what Morgan said and looking like myself was important even if I was the only one who would see. My favorite pair of board shorts sat snug on my hips, the white and yellow pattern hanging to just above my knees. I wore a yellow bikini top and saw no reason to put a shirt over that.

I slid my white robe on over my shoulders and bent to zip it from floor to neck. It hung like a bag, loose and boxy, but the silky fabric felt good on my skin.

I left my hair loose on my shoulders, the sun highlights shifting with every movement. I'd just finished my make-up when Colby barged into my room and swept me up into his arms.

“Colby,” I yelled, laughing. “Put me down.”

“Yes, ma'am.” He threw me, and I landed on the bed, still laughing and out of breath.

“How do I look?” Colby spun, his robe fanning out as he did. He'd slicked to the side. It was so stylish it almost made me laugh seeing it on my brother. He narrowed his eyes behind his glasses.

“Just wonderful.” I stifled a giggle.

“Why thank you.” He bowed. “You ready to go? Kat is in the living room with that camera she bought for the new photography job and is just dying to take a million unnecessary pictures.”

I grabbed my purse and followed him out. Kat stood talking with Noah and someone else whose back I'd recognize anywhere.

I sucked in a breath, and Colby spoke in a low tone beside me. “I didn't want him having to go to the ceremony with his family.” He looked at me in apology.

“No.” I patted his hand. “It's good that he's with us. This is his family.”

I hadn't spoken to Jamie since that day on his front porch. The day we finally said what we should have known all along. We were heading in different directions. We had to do what we had to do. All of that would help if only my heart didn't jump whenever I saw him in the halls at school or when my brother mentioned his name. It'd be easier to accept if I didn't love him so stupidly much.

Jamie turned, his gaze landing on me, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

“Hi,” I said, ignoring that we weren't the only ones in the room.

“Hey.” His teeth flashed, and I couldn't breathe.

“Callie took so long we're going to be late,” Kat said. “Pictures afterwards.”

“Surprise, surprise.” Jamie laughed. “Callie making us late.”

“For the record,” I grumbled, following them out the door. “I didn't take too long. I just didn't get ready until the last minute.”

“Yeah, that's not any better, sis.” Colby grinned over my head at Jamie, and I could have punched the both of them.

Colby, Jamie, and I said bye to Kat and Noah once we got to the school and walked across the football field to where our classmates were lining up.

“Callie.” Morgan sprinted toward us, her gown flapping at her legs. She hugged me and then turned to do the same to the boys.

We found our spots in line moments before it moved.

As far as ceremonies go, it wasn't half bad. But nothing compared to when Morgan got up to do her speech. Along with the valedictorian, we had a class elected speaker, and we'd wanted Morgan.

A cheer rose up - much louder than for the valedictorian I noticed - and Morgan raised a hand, grinning.

“Guys,” she started. “Our parents are watching. We're not a bunch of hooligans. Save the shenanigans for the parties tonight.” A laugh wound through her captive audience. “But seriously, this year has been full of a lot of crap.” I laughed again. The faculty didn't know what they were getting with her. They didn't know why everyone loved her so much.

“School was hard. Freaking hard.” She leaned in to the microphone. “But the parties were fun.” She got serious again. “We got shot. Some of us literally.” She gestured to her shoulder. Silence followed. “We had an intruder in our school. OUR SCHOOL. One of us, but an intruder all the same. A lot was taken from us.” She looked toward her parents in the stands. “I'm not just talking about a canceled prom or even my brother, as much as that loss hurt us. It's unexplainable, but every single one of you knows exactly what I mean.” She pointed toward us, pausing to take a breath.

“We're still standing. Evil didn't win. We are strong. We are fierce. This class, OUR class, will be remembered for not giving up. For not turning on each other. For not being afraid. That's what we take with us from this place. Yeah, the knowledge will be useful, the memories fond, but our resiliency is priceless. Crap happens. Are you going to bury yourself in it or shovel it?”

I couldn't help it. I burst out laughing, and I wasn't the only one.

“What does that last part even mean?” I whispered to Colby.

“Did she seriously just say 'crap happens' in her commencement speech?” he responded.

Morgan had a crap-eating grin - oh the irony - on her face as she walked back to her seat.

The principle walked forward, rubbing a hand over his face and stuttered through a short speech before beginning to call our names.

Kat met us on the other side of the field when it was over, a big smile on her face. She cupped my cheek before wrapping her arms around me. “Your mom would be so proud.” Her other arm snaked out and snagged Colby to join our hug. “Of both of you.”

She released us and pulled out her camera. Jamie joined us for a few pictures before wandering off.

I was standing on my own, my mind lost in memories of the past year when someone stepped up beside me, resting his forearm on my shoulder.

“I'll bet it feels good to be so accomplished, Ms. McCoy.” The British accent was fake, and I grinned.

“Yes.” I did my best Emma Watson. “In the grand scheme of things, Mr. Daniels, high school is quite an achievement. There are only millions of us graduates.”

“Millions, you say? However did you join such an exclusive group?”

“Oh, it's all very difficult.” I looked down at my nails. “I showed up.”

Jay snorted, wrapping his arm around me. “I'm gonna miss you, kid.”

“You do realize that calling me a kid makes you a bit of a pedo.” I looked up at him to catch the twitch of his lips.

“This time last year we were just starting our torrid summer affair.”

“That's what the kids are calling it these days?” I chuckled.

He laughed until it died out. “And now you're leaving.”

“I'll be back,” I said.

“Is that a promise?”

“There's no way I will actually stay in L.A. I give it a few months. If he wants to see me, that is.”

“He will.” He looked down at me, getting serious. “How are you with the whole Jamie thing?”

I lifted my shoulders, dropping them immediately. “It hurts, Jay.” He pulled me in tighter against his side acting as a balm for the burn. My best friend. I breathed in, releasing it in one puff. “Maybe it's just not meant to be. I think it'll be okay.”

“A few of us are skipping the parties tonight,” he said.

“Sounds perfect.”

* * *

By a few of us, Jay had meant our group. When we got to the beach, Morgan, Colby, Parker, and Jamie were all there. A somber mood hung in the air, a smoke clogging our lungs. This was it. Jamie left tomorrow. I'd leave the day after that. Morgan and Parker were on a plane in two weeks. Only Colby and Jay were sticking around for the summer.

Morgan grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the water. I'd taken off the robe in the car and was thankful to be in my board-shorts and bathing suit. Kicking off my sandals, I dug my toes in the sand as the tide rose, washing over my feet, pulling the sand out from beneath me and letting me sink further in. It was one of my favorite feelings, like I was becoming one with the beach.

A small, almost opaque crab walked past my ankles, paying me no heed. Morgan, still in her dress, didn't seem to care that the water splashed up to catch the hem. A carefree laugh bubbled out of her chest as she swung our arms between us.

I looked sideways at her, pulling my lips to the side. My feet came free like suction cups, protesting the movement. I broke Morgan's hold on my fingers, turning toward her and kicking the water as it came near us.

She shrieked and ran, circling back around to shove me farther out toward the water. I laughed and dug my feet in, catching Parker's eye as she walked up behind her sister. She grabbed her legs, and I took her arms as Morgan squirmed and screeched, trying to free herself. We walked as fast as we could, swinging her out in an arc and letting go.

“I'm gonna -” Her words were drowned as she went under and came up sputtering and laughing. She sprinted back toward us. Colby blocked her, picked her back up, and ran into the water in his clothes. Jay wasn't far behind, and Parker dove in.

I stood there watching them, feeling rather than seeing Jamie's presence beside me.

“Still sure you have to leave?” I asked, gesturing to our friends.

“I wouldn't have a choice now,” he answered. “But yes. I'm sure.”

“Good.”

“Are you?”

“It's the only thing I am sure of.” It was only then that I realized he'd been staring at me, and I took the chance his silence gave me to escape to the water, plastering on a smile, determined to make this night a happy one.

After a while, we all left to change and get the supplies for our final bonfire. The one none of us would forget.

The light was already fading by the time we got back. Colby and I were first. He was basically a professional, always the one we relied on to get these things started. In no time, he had a small fire going.

“What's taking them so long?” I looked back toward the parking lot.

“Jay got us a permit for this, right?” Colby asked, always one to play by the rules.

“Of course.”

I spread out a blanket and sat down, watching Colby worry over the fire and just about everything else. It was such a familiar sight that I laughed.

“What's so funny?” he asked.

“You.” I leaned back on my elbows with another laugh.

He flashed me a grin, taking a seat beside me. “I can't believe you're leaving.”

“Aw, Brother.” I grabbed his arm. “Are you actually saying you'll miss me?”

He leaned back next to me. “Can I tell you a secret?” he asked. “I will.”

“You could come with me, you know.”

“You might be ready for this, Cal, but I'm not.”

I leaned my head on his shoulder. “Before this year, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm going to miss you too.”

A car door slammed, and Morgan came into view with Jay and Jamie not far behind. She glanced at the fledgling fire, then at us and grinned. “Well, this is how we started the year. Only fitting we end it like this as well.”

* * *

Jamie wasn't playing his guitar anymore, but the music was stuck in my head as I walked around the point of rocks, out of sight of the rest of the group.

I couldn't take the goodbyes any longer. It wasn't only my friends, it was this place. I'd always felt like Gulf City wasn't where I was meant to be, but this beach was. L.A. had beaches and many, many more waves to catch, but would I feel the same way about it?

Would I still feel close to my mom?

I knew now that she'd spent a part of her life there as well. California. Had she named me after the place or the people she'd left there?

My entire life, I thought I represented a failed dream, my name weighed down with regret.

Looking out toward the darkened sea, I saw the truth reflected at me.

I was, I am, I will always be California. My mom's California.

“You look happy.” Jamie's voice made me jump, and I clutched my chest.

“Don't do that,” I gasped.

“I saw you disappear around the corner.” He stepped toward me. “I had to make sure you were okay.”

I turned to him, feeling my way in the dark, and touched his cheek. “Thanks.”

His features were hidden from me, but it heightened my awareness of him.

“What time do you leave tomorrow?” I took a step back, needing space.

“I don't want to talk about leaving. Not tonight.”

“Then what do you want?”

The air around us was charged, preparing for lightning to strike.

“Callie,” Jamie whispered, his voice pained.

He moved, bending to capture my lips with his, and for the first time in weeks, I could breathe. Winding my arms around his neck, I pushed closer, shivering as his hands rubbed up and down my sides.

His tongue parted my lips, seeking the same thing I'd been looking for. To feel whole. He could swallow me, devour me, and I wouldn't care. All I wanted in that moment was him. Nothing else mattered.

I played with the hair at the base of his head, and he growled into my mouth before pulling back.

“Callie,” he whispered. “California. I love you so much it's killing me.”

My voice shook as I tried to speak. “Show me.”

“What?”

“Show me how much you love me. Give me something to remember.”

It was a line we'd never crossed before, him being much more experienced than me, but I suddenly wanted it to be him. Only him.

Jamie hesitated, weighing his next actions. After a tense moment, he pulled off his shirt, laying it on the sand. “Come here.” He held his hand out to me, and I took it as he pulled me down.

I ran my hands up his chest like I'd done a million times before, before tugging off my shirt and kissing him like it was the last time. Because it was.

When my hands fumbled with the button on his jeans, he stopped me.

“Hey.” His voice calmed me with a single word. “Slow is good.”

He dropped small kisses on my stomach, making his way up toward my neck in an agonizingly slow assault. I moaned as his tongue made circles on my burning skin.

“Too slow,” I panted, pushing him up so I could shimmy out of my pants. His chuckle was cut off as he stared at me, pupils dilating.

“You're beautiful.” His fingertips grazed my bare skin, leaving goosebumps in their wake. “Are you sure about this?”

“Jamie, we can't give each other anything else. But we can give this moment. We can give goodbye.” My voice thickened on the last word, and he pulled me down again, cutting off any tears that might have come.

Jamie made love to me under the stars with the ocean roaring in the background. It was perfect. And it was the end.

When we were done, I laid with my head on his chest, listening to the steady pounding of his heart. Tears dripped down my face onto his skin.

“I'm sorry.” I sat up and turned away from him. “I don't mean to cry.”

His hand rubbed my back as he sat up behind me. “California, look at me.”

I did as he asked, wiping at my face as I turned. “Don't try to make me feel better, Jamie. I don't want to be okay. I don't want to get over you.”

He cupped my cheek. “I love you.” His back shook, and it was only then that I realized he was crying too.

“I'm scared.”

“Your dad is going to love you.”

“Not about that.” I sucked in a shaky breath. “You're joining the army. What if…” A sob escaped me. “What if something happens to you?”

“I'll be okay.”

“You don't know that.” I paused to calm myself. “Can you make me a promise?”

“Anything.”

“No matter what's going on in our lives, I need to know that you're okay. Promise me that you'll always stay in touch.”

He wiped the tears from his face. “Is that all our future holds? Staying in touch?”

I reached for my clothes and pulled them on. “I hope the army helps you find what you're looking for, Jamie. I really do.”

I got to my feet, brushing sand from my clothes. Looking down at him one more time, I shook my head and walked back to meet Colby to head home.

In one simple act, the boy I loved with everything I had became a part of my past, disappearing from both my present and future.