Chapter 15 – Aiden

A shrill scream pierces through the rain. I bolt upright, my heart in my throat. Emily is thrashing in her seat, and that’s when I realize she’s the one screaming. “Emily.” I shake her. At least, I hope I do, but my hands are trembling so badly, I don’t know if it’s her or me shaking. “Emily, wake up. You’re having a nightmare.”

Before I know it, Tom is by my side, crouching in front of Emily. “Hey, kiddo, wake up.”

Finally, Emily’s eyes snap open, and she stands abruptly, her movements jerky and frantic. “What? Where I am?” She claws at her neck. “It burns. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe.”

“Easy, Emily.” Tom is on his feet, his hands on her shoulders. “You’re okay. Hey, look at me.”

Her eyes focus on him, then dart toward me. There’s so much fear in her gaze it makes my chest seize. “What…?” She blinks rapidly. “I-I’m sorry. I was dreaming.”

“You were screaming,” I say. My voice cracks. “Are you okay?”

She nods. “Yeah.” She smooths the hair back from her face, and that’s when I notice the tears streaming down her face.

Tom slips his hands from her shoulders. “If you need me, I’ll be right over there, okay?” He points to where he’d been sleeping.

“Thanks.”

He gives me a knowing look and then heads back to his makeshift bed. Emily returns to her seat, her blanket wrapped around her tightly. Not that it does any good. Everything is soaked from the nonstop rain. I sit beside her. “Are you sure you’re okay?” But even as I ask that question, I know the answer. She’s not. She’s terrified and shaking. I put my arm around her, and she rests her head on my shoulder, tucking her feet under her and curling into my side. “Do you want to talk about it?” I ask quietly.

She’s silent for so long I think she might have fallen back asleep, but then she speaks. Her voice is low and weak. “I was dreaming about the party. A kid died there. But not any kid. Johnny Foster. He was my first boyfriend.”

I pull her closer. “Emily, I’m so sorry.” I know firsthand how it feels to lose someone close to you, and it’s the worst thing in the world.

“I didn’t actually see it happen, but I heard it. I was in the other room, drunk and high. The police showed up soon after and tossed gas bombs into the house. It burned like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I couldn’t see. I couldn’t breathe.” Her words hitch on a sob.

Now it makes sense why she was screaming about not being able to breathe.

“And Matt, he left me there.”

“He left you?” Anger burns in my gut, and I grit my teeth.

The only answer I get is the rise and fall of her shoulders. She’s crying. I momentarily close my eyes and take a deep, calming breath. I cannot fathom how or why her boyfriend could leave her like that. Although, I’m not in any position to judge, because hadn’t I done the same thing to my cousin, Ed?

“Aiden?” She says my name so softly, like a prayer, that I almost don’t hear her.

“Yeah?”

“Thank you for being here with me.”

I rest my cheek on top of her head. “I can’t imagine being anywhere else.”

“I can.”

I can’t help but laugh. “Well, yeah, but even if we were somewhere better than here, it wouldn’t be better because you wouldn’t be there.”

She drapes her arm across my stomach and gives me a squeeze. “That’s a really nice thing to say.”

“Tell me about the party,” I urge. My mother always taught me that it helps ease the burden if you talk about it, and I’m hoping it will help Emily.

She takes a deep breath. “It was supposed to be like every other party. Matt picked me up, and we drove to Lynn’s house. The party was in full force when we got there, and the first thing I did was go for the beer. After a couple drinks, Matt convinced me to smoke some pot.”

I cringe at how she talks so casually about drinking and doing drugs. Was she addicted? Is she going through withdrawals being stuck here? I pray that’s not the case.

“We—me, Matt, and all of my friends—were dancing and singing along to the music. I was so drunk and high. I didn’t care about anything but having fun.” She snorts. “Someone decided to play with water balloons, which quickly turned into people shaking up beer and spraying it around. At first, it was great. Lynn didn’t think so, but I did.”

I listen intently, afraid to move or speak for fear she might stop talking.

Emily sighs. “It was shortly after that when I heard shouts from the other room. There were a couple of guys screaming and shoving at each other. People were chanting at them to fight, and I joined in.” She curls tighter against me, almost as if she’s trying to make herself smaller.

“And they started to fight,” she continues, her tone hollow. “Bottles were being smashed. Furniture was tipped over. Matt and I were attempting to leave when someone screamed that the guy was dead.” Her voice cracks on that last word. “That’s when the police showed up.”

I close my eyes, unable to imagine willingly being in that type of situation.

“So, yeah, that’s how I ended up on that stupid plane.” She pulls the blanket up to her face. “Now you know why I’m such a rotten person. I knew things were out of control, and I didn’t do anything to stop it.”

“Hey.” I put my finger under her chin and tilt her head up so she’s looking at me. “You made a mistake. We’ve all made mistakes, but it’s how we choose to act afterward that matters.”

She shakes her head and buries her face against my shoulder. “You don’t understand. You’ve never done anything like that, something that gives you nightmares and makes you question who you are.”

“You’re wrong,” I say emphatically, and I know I have to share my story, too. I think hearing it will help Emily more than me simply listening to her story. She needs to know I’m not perfect, that I’ve made mistakes, too.

“I do know,” I continue. “When I was younger, I had this cousin. Edward. Everyone called him Eddie.” Just saying his name makes my heart hurt. I lick my lips and force myself to continue. “We were the same age, and we were always together. We were practically brothers, only we didn’t fight like siblings.” I sigh. “But we were polar opposites.”

“You keep talking about him in past tense. What happened?” Emily asks.

I gulp. Other than the therapist my mother made me see, I’ve never told this story to anyone else. “There was this kid, Chad, and he’s also our age. We all went to the same school.”

Emily doesn’t say anything, but I know she’s listening, so I continue.

“Chad’s your typical jock: good-looking, played almost every sport, liked to party and have a good time. One night, Eddie and I went to this party. I don’t know why we even went. It wasn’t what we normally liked to do.” If I could go back in time, I never would’ve gone to that party. “When we got there, the music was blaring, and there was alcohol everywhere. Eddie loved it. Me, not so much, but we’re there together, and so I stuck it out for his sake. He starts dancing, trying to have a good time—and we did for a couple of hours. I wasn’t drinking, but Eddie was.”

A wave of nausea hits me, and I swallow it back. Emily had the courage to share her story, now it’s my turn.

“Then Chad came along. He asked what Eddie was doing there when nobody but me liked him, and that he wasn’t wanted there. Chad told him to get lost. Eddie, having had one too many drinks, shoved Chad. Eddie was only five foot two and scrawny. Chad was twice his size in height and weight.”

“What was Chad’s problem with Eddie? I mean, there are plenty of people I don’t like, but a party is a party, y’know? If I don’t like someone, I usually just ignore them.”

“Chad and Eddie had never liked each other. But it got worse when Chad stole Eddie’s girlfriend.” I frown. Eddie had loved that girl something fierce, and she’d left him without a second thought. I’ll never forget how heartbroken he was, how he refused to leave his room for weeks after the break-up. Pushing those thoughts away, I continue.

“Eddie starts screaming about how Chad stole the only good thing that has ever happened to him. Chad got up, smiled, walked over to Eddie’s ex-girlfriend and kissed her. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the look on Eddie’s face. But that’s not even the worst of it. Chad, being the jerk he is, announces to the party that the only reason Amanda was with Eddie was because she felt sorry for him and that he was nothing but a charity case.”

I swallow hard, knowing I can’t stop now but wanting to do just that. “Eddie charged at Chad so fast, I couldn’t stop him. And, of course, all of Chad’s buddies were there. They gang up on Eddie and beat the snot out of him.” I close my eyes against the image of Eddie lying there, beaten and bloody.

“Oh my gosh,” Emily whispers. “They killed him?”

“No.” A very large, selfish part of me wishes they had because then maybe I wouldn’t feel so guilty all the time. “I just stood there, Emily. I didn’t intervene. I didn’t do anything to help him.”

She sits up and looks at me. “There wasn’t anything you could have done. You were outnumbered.”

“Yeah.” Logically, I know that, but it doesn’t make it any better. It doesn’t erase my betrayal.

“So, what happened?”

“Someone—not me, because I was still shocked and too scared to interfere—took Eddie home. I don’t even know who. I was going to follow, but I was too embarrassed to show my face, to look him in the eye and apologize for being a coward, for not being there for him when he needed me the most. I wanted to tell him I was there for him, but I knew that was a lie. If I couldn’t stand up for him against someone like Chad, how could I ever have his back any other time?”

Tears burn my eyes, and I blink them back. What will Emily think of me after I tell her this? Will she still look at me the same? Or will she be scared and want nothing to do with me? Will she trust me? I swallow my fear and keep going.

“The next day, Eddie wasn’t in school. I thought he was just recuperating and, in no time, he’d be up and running again. But I waited by his locker the day after, and he wasn’t there. Three days passed, and no sign of him in school. He hadn’t called me, and he wasn’t returning any of my calls, either. I started to get really worried. So, I went to his house.”

My heart is pounding, and I’m sweating. I feel dizzy, like my world is about to twirl over and collapse with me in it. I want to rip out my hair, strand by strand.

“It’s okay.” Emily moves her hand up to my chest, her palm resting over my heart. Can she feel how hard it’s racing? “Keep going.”

“When his mother answered the door, I knew something was horribly wrong. She’s never home during the day because of her job. Her face was red and puffy, and she was full-on sobbing. She kept asking me if I knew, and I had no idea what she was talking about. And then she said four words that I will never forget: ‘Aiden, Eddie killed himself.’”

“No,” Emily gasped.

All I can do is nod.

She puts her arms around my neck and hugs me. “I’m so sorry, Aiden.”

“It was my fault,” I whisper.

“No.” She takes my face into her hands. “It is not your fault. You didn’t know he was going to kill himself.”

I stare into her eyes for a long moment. “The guilt consumes me twenty-four seven. I can never get away from it, but I made a promise to Eddie. I promised him that I would never mess up like that again, that I will always defend and protect those I love and care about. It will never bring him back, but I feel like he’s looking down on me and seeing how hard I’m trying to be better, to learn from what I’d done.”

“I think he’d be proud of you.” She smiles.

Without thinking, I lean forward and press a quick kiss to her lips.