[2nd draft] 12: Yin-Yang & 13a: Sexcathalons and Erototoxins

12: Yin-Yang

Staring at the ceiling gets pretty boring. Even if I was contemplating whether or not I was in love with my gay best friend, so eventually I did fall asleep. I must have. Or the squealing water pipes and fog rippling from Ethan's cracked-open bathroom door was all part of some erotic dream.

With the cooling white sheet wrapped around my bare shoulders, I got to my feet and padded towards the bathroom. The moisture from the steam of the shower clung to my skin as I fanned it out of my face and stuck my foot out. I nudged the door open with my big toe and peeked inside.

The water falling from the rain can showerhead above Ethan and Seth seemed to use their bodies like a playground. It played, it sculpted, it even rested in the dips of their shoulders and where their bellies touched. In a dictionary, the definition of beautiful would have a picture of this scene right next to it as an example.

Seth whispered something in Ethan's ear and the heart stopping-smile he shot Seth made me ache. It wasn't like the burning lava of lust from before, this ache was different. I bit my lip, shifting my eyes down. It was hard to breathe as I clutched my chest. My heart was heavy; feeling like it would dislodge and drop to my feet at any moment. The acidic churn in my stomach intensified as Seth skimmed his teeth along the curve of Ethan's jaw. Knowing full well I should leave, I lifted my gaze back to them scowling because for the first time in my life I wanted to yank someone's hair out.

Okay, maybe I was over-exaggerating a bit. I didn't want to hurt Seth or Ethan, not really. But the longing to belong, to be there between them, made my fist clench around the wrinkled sheet I clutched to my chest.

Should I interrupt?

The gentle, encouraging smile Ethan gave Seth spoke volumes. This was supposed to be a private moment between real lovers. It wasn't supposed to include a best friend Ethan and Seth occasionally indulged.

The sharp pain that radiated through my jaw, from gritting my teeth, made me gasp. Jealousy wasn't pleasant, in fact, it was downright painful. I could feel it eating away at me. And what was worse? I didn't have the right to be jealous. I knew what I was getting into when I asked for this. Didn't I know I could never fully belong to them?

Leaning my head against the door, I watched them exchange tender kisses. With a smile, Ethan kneeled in front of Seth, lapping at the streaming water clinging to Seth's rippling stomach muscles as he went. When his knees settled on the tiled floor, Ethan thrust his face forward, but seemed to be in a teasing mood and pulled a few inches away at the last minute. It was clear he wasn't going to give in easily as he tongued the tip of Seth's dick. Seth's arms darted forward, slipping through Ethan's wet hair, pulling him closer, but Ethan resisted, offering a teasing, come-hither grin instead.

"I wanna fuck your mouth," Seth said with a guttural growl.

Ethan's eyes glinted with mischief as he tilted his head to the side. Biting my lip, I swallowed as lingering traces of that ugly emotion burned away and shifted to a mild arousal tweaking between my legs. With care not to be loud, I let my knees collapse under me. The blanket wrapped around me and billowed to the floor with a gentle rustling as I dropped. I curved into myself, dropping my forehead to the tan carpeted floor.

"Who's stopping you?"

Huddled down on the ground made it hard to hear the muffled excitement of Seth encouraging Ethan forward, but I still managed to get the gist.

"God, I love you." Seth's laugh transitioned to a chopping high pitched gasp of pleasure.

Talk about a bucket of cold water. That mild arousal tingling in my stomach vanished. It was one thing to hear them having sex without me, but to hear Seth, of all people, throwing out 'I love you's' just wasn't expected.

You knew this is how it was going to be, Cassie. Don't be butt hurt.

I thought I knew what I was doing anyway. Being above this whole 'love' thing used to be my forte. The girl most likely to never fall in love was me. Given my past, it was hugely understandable to everyone too. Yet it happened, right underneath my nose. I loved Ethan... and maybe to a lesser extent, Seth. I wanted them to love me like they loved each other.

My lips parted at the realization and I inhaled sharply through my nose. Hints of Seth's cologne and pine soap from the bathroom didn't help clear any thoughts either so I knew it was true. I still wanted him. I wanted them both. But it's wrong, right? It's not even possible. Not really. To be in love with two gay guys that are. It wasn't possible... right?

"God," I whispered.

Could I be in love with two gay guys?

Tears collected at the corners of my eyes and I lifted my gaze to watch them. My heart just didn't realize the complication this presented. And where this sexy, deep-throating blow job (apparently Ethan didn't have a gag reflex) should have been sexually stimulating and getting me hot, it was only hurting me. Every touch, every smile, every groan, every pleading whisper from Seth... it all came from a place I didn't know anything about. A place of love, a place where I didn't belong, and the one thought that kept knocking me was 'I wanted Ethan to love me that way, but now I want Seth to love me that way too.' I wanted it to be okay with them if I were to go in, let the sheet drop, and join them.

God. I was either a whore or greedy. Or both. It was a hopeless thought for a hopeless situation. I was okay having virtually emotionless sex with two gay guys at the same time, but being in love with them was unacceptable.

Seth cried out as one of Ethan's hands curled around Seth's ass and pushed forward. Given the thrusting movements of Ethan's arm, I could only imagine what he was doing. Seth's clutching fingers pulled at Ethan's hair.

Tilting my head to the side I focused my attention on Seth's face. His jaw jutted out, his lips parted, his face tipped towards the ceiling like he was receiving a miracle. And wasn't he about to? I'd heard prostate stimulated orgasms were intense.

Seth was beautiful; in different ways than Ethan. Seth was the night to Ethan's day with his darker, caramel-colored skin and black hair. And, it made me wonder, if Seth was night and Ethan was the day... where did I fit in? There's only yin to yang, nothing else. There was no long-term girl in this equation. I needed to get over this.

Ethan was still going to pop my cherry. Nothing could change my mind about that, but I needed some distance if I wasn't going to become that obsessed girl, the one who wanted the two most important guys in her life to love no one else but her. I loathe that girl. I've seen that girl. And it never ends pretty for that girl. I couldn't be her. I was different.

Wobbling to my feet, I went to close the door, just as Seth shot his load down Ethan's throat. The boyish cry of release echoed off the walls and Seth's arms wrapped around Ethan's head, pulling him so close that his nose hit Seth's groin. Seth continued to pulse his hips in rough thrusts, and the once boyish cry changed into a long, animalistic growl.

Toxic thoughts. Toxic. Toxic.

Ethan was gay. Seth was gay. They were gay for each other. And it wasn't going to change. I needed a mental boot camp to whip my thoughts into shape. I wasn't going to fall any deeper in the trap of love. I wouldn't lose my best friends because I couldn't deal with the truth. Ethan would take my virginity effectively solving the 'frustrated virgin syndrome' I'd been suffering from and everything would go back to the way it was.

I glanced towards the ceiling, rolling my eyes as the thought continued to mangle and take over my brain. I've always loved Ethan. I could turn the toxic kind of love back into the friendship kind of love. It would be cake. And Ethan and Seth would never have to know the difference.

My bottom lip stung from biting it so hard, as I nodded my head furiously. I was still going to do it, but tonight wasn't going to be the night. Not after my startling realization. It had to marinate and settle. I had to fully accept what had just happened so I could burn it away.

I nodded again and quickly went to gather my work clothes, which had been thrown around the room from earlier. There was a sticky mess on my top and I suddenly wished I'd been smart enough to bring an extra set of clothes. Leaving unannounced would get me an earful tomorrow, but I wasn't an expert in hiding my emotions, and unfortunately, Ethan was an expert at reading me. As much as I wanted to be, I just wasn't that skilled.

This was the only way they would never know.

Blowing a kiss towards the bathroom door, I darted out of Ethan's room and quietly tiptoed to the front door. They could never know.

13A: Sexcathalons and Erototoxins

The bell above the Coffee Barn door dinged as someone walked in. It was a slow morning, so I was actually excited a customer had finally come in, but when I lifted my head and saw Seth striding up to the counter my heart sank. Flashbacks of last night made me swallow the lump in my throat.

"Hey," I called to him.

"Hey, where'd you go last night?"

I shrugged. "I had to work early."

"You could've just stayed with us."

"I'll stay next time. I had laundry to do too," I said, giving him a small, timid smile.

He frowned and started drumming his fingers against the counter. "Are you okay?"

I widened my smile. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"I don't know. You just seem..." he trailed off.

"I get off in an hour. This day has just been dragging."

He nodded and licked his lips glancing at me. "Are you gonna be ready tonight?"

"For what?" I asked.

"For our sexcathalon," he said, cupping his hand over his mouth to keep it between the two of us.

"There's nobody here, Seth."

He shrugged. "Yeah, I noticed. I thought people loved coffee?"

"Apparently not on Saturdays, of course, it's only one o'clock. The drunkards don't usually get up until two or three. Then we'll get busy... right when I get off!"

"Drunkards. Who even says that anymore?"

I lifted my hand and pointed a finger at my nose, touching the tip and tilting my head, making a funny, cross-eyed face at him. "Me!"

His smile was slow as it spread across his face. "So will you be? Ready?"

"Well, if I can get another show like last night, I should be...thanks to erototoxin."

"What the hell is that?"

"It's an addictive chemical that releases when watching porn."

"You were watching porn last night?"

I nodded as the bell above the Coffee Barn door dinged again. Giving a quick glance, I saw Ethan juggling his books and stray papers in his arms. I smirked and tilted my head, waiting for half a minute so when I answered Seth, Ethan would hear it too. "I was watching blow job porn, male on male... in a hot steamy shower."

Seth's belt of laughter startled a surprised look from Ethan as he came in on the butt end of the conversation. Ethan's dark blond eyebrows snapped together as he settled his book load on a squared, mahogany table next to the counter.

"Hey," he said, stopping next to Seth and giving him a quick kiss on the lips.

"You look tired," I mumbled.

Ethan's hair was rumpled and his eyes were red and drooping like he'd been awake all night studying, but I knew otherwise. Seth and Ethan must've stayed up well into the morning with each other.

I wonder what they did... or what they talked about.

"Yeah, I am. Midterms are coming up—I hope neither of you forgot—and I'm studying like crazy," Ethan said. "After you left, Seth and I stayed up talking when we should've been studying."

"Aw, there's my bookworm coming out to play," Seth said, biting his lip and raising a suggestive eyebrow. "Ever play Librarian, Cassie?"

"Um, not really. Why Librarian?"

Seth's eyes partially closed to slits as grinned at me. "We'll make Ethan dress up after you get off work. The earlier we start the longer we can play," he said with eyes twinkling in anticipation.

"Actually, I—" I started, but stopped, remembering Seth's dismissive reaction to my eventual summer surrogacy. "I mean, I have a doctor's appointment. You guys can come if you want, it's just a physical and vitamin follow up... you know how it is. They gotta make sure I'm healthy enough to carry the baby."

Seth's smile wiped off his face, but Ethan didn't seem to notice as he nodded his head. "We'll go."

"Um—" Seth started. "I'll pass."

"Seth—"

Seth shrugged and interrupted Ethan. "You know doctors make me twitchy."

Ethan frowned. "Yeah, okay."

Seth cleared his throat and licked his bottom lip. The atmosphere between the three of us felt suddenly awkward like we were all dancing around cracked shells trying not to piss anyone off. I bit my lip, waiting for someone else to talk.

"So, Cassie, that shower scene..." Seth said. "How would you rate it?"

With a quick smile, I breathed a sigh of relief as that building tension stopped and teeter-totted my hand in the air, "Eh, five out of ten."

Ethan's eyebrow rose. "Our shower scene?" He turned to look at Seth and then frowned when what I'd said registered. "Five? What do you mean five?"

"Are you sexually active?"

My eyes widened, and I glanced over at Ethan, "Um, not yet!"

The nurse's hands paused over the keyboard and she glanced up. "Have you ever been sexually active?"

It was one thing talking about my virginity with Ethan and Seth; it was another talking about it with a stranger... even if that stranger was a nurse. I could be as dirty as I wanted with Seth and Ethan, but here in the doctor's office, it all felt so stiff and clinical-like.

Swallowing, I shook my head. "No. I haven't."

"Um-"

I held my hand up, cutting her off. "I'm making arrangements."

Removing her hands from the keyboard, the nurse turned in her wheeling chair and rolled closer to us. "Are you sure this is something you want to do?"

"I mean, yes—definitely."

The nurse nodded. "Okay," she said, offering a warm smile. "By the end of this process, you'll probably be tired of that question."

"Why?" Ethan asked.

"We have to be sure that the potential surrogate not only understands the physical aspect of carrying another couple's baby, but also the mental trauma it can cause if the volunteer is not ready for something like this. This is going to be a heavy screening process and we'll ask that question every chance to assure that this is something you want to do and not something someone is pushing you to do."

She paused as if to say 'let this sink in' before she continued, "The minute you walked into this office, Cassie, you became our patient. Your mental and physical health is our priority, not the couple wanting the baby. Thankfully, you were smart enough to go to a different physician than the one the soon-to-be mother goes to."

I frowned. "That could cause some legal issues and information violations, right? That's what I assumed. I don't want to think the worst, but I figured protecting myself and having a different physician was the best route."

"Well, you were right. Also. most surrogates have had children, have had successful birthings, so the fact that you haven't is alarming. You have to be aware of all the dangers for you and the baby. Now, since this is such a lengthy process, you might decide to have intercourse with someone before it happens. If that's the case, we'll have to screen you for potential sexual diseases like syphilis and HIV. Remember, wrap it before you tap it," she added, giving a pointed look at Ethan. She turned to me. "And birth control... condoms break. Accidental pregnancy would obviously cause a problem in becoming a surrogate. ."

I hid my smile underneath my hand as I glanced at Ethan's flushing face. He looked like he was about to have a stroke and the nurse wasn't cracking a smile at all as she eyed him again. Her seriousness made Ethan stiffen in full alert. He gave her a nod and the blush in his cheeks spread to the tips of his ears.

He was just too easy to embarrass.

"I'm on birth control," I said.

"Good."

We spent almost two hours in the office. I had questions that needed to be answered. When Ethan wasn't in the waiting room, he had questions. What better time to do it then while they were taking tests and ultrasounds of my uterus. They were seeing all up in there, so there was really no point in being embarrassed with them. By the time we got out, the sun was low in the salmon and turquoise colored sky. The wind was gently blowing the smell of freshly cut grass, and the growl of a lawnmower turned off.

I inhaled, letting my eyes briefly flutter shut as we walked towards Ethan's car. "Thanks for coming, Ethan. It was a lot easier with you being there."

He cast me a sideways glance and smirked. "No problem. It was definitely a learning experience."

Once we got in the car and put our seatbelts on, I looked over at Ethan as he pushed his key into the ignition. I wanted to ask him about Seth and his reaction to what I was doing. Seth's first dismissive response had been understandable—he'd been turned on—the second time, in the Coffee Barn, he seemed stand-offish.

"So, is Seth okay with this?"

Ethan turned his head towards me as he pulled out of the parking spot. "Why wouldn't he be?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. It's not exactly something he was asking for. Will you make sure he knows that just because you're going to be my support system it doesn't mean he has to be if he doesn't want to?"

"Cassie, it's not like you're having this baby to keep it."

"I know, but I'll still be going through all that emotional crap and that might be something he doesn't want to deal with, ya know? I feel like he's not saying something about it."

Ethan nodded with a solemn, knowing look on his face. "I'll talk to him and see where he stands. It's probably just the idea of a living person inside of you that has him acting like that."

"Speaking of talking, what did you and Seth talk about all last night?" I asked, unable to keep the question down any longer.

Ethan switched his turning signal on and changed lanes so he could turn right. "You."

I let out a nervous laugh and wrapped my hands around the clothed seatbelt tightly. The fabric from the corner of the belt dug into the palms of my hands."Wow, that wasn't what I wanted to hear. What about me?"

"Nothing bad!" he said. "Seth wants to continue after..."

"After... you pop my cherry?"

He tsked his tongue. "Yes."

"What does he want to continue exactly?"

Ethan sighed, and when he stopped at the red light he turned his upper body towards me, his pine green eyes suddenly serious. "With you and the-um-the sex."

"You mean he wants to have sex with me after you do?" I asked and then shrugged. "I'm okay with that."

"No. Well, yes he does after I'm er--done, but that's not what he meant. He wants you to continue to be involved with us... sexually."

My eyes widened. Now that wasn't what I expected. "Like fuck buddies?"

That was something I wasn't so sure about. If only a few nights of heavy petting led me to the emptiness I experienced last night then how would I be able to handle that.

"Not like fuck buddies," he said, drawing out the 'o' in not.

Oh.

"Oh," I repeated my thought. "Like what then?"