Chapter 22 After

Chapter 22 After
Elena Thorne

As soon as I got back to my room in the pack house, I threw myself on the bed, burying myself under the pillow.
A lot had happened from what should have been a tutoring session, and I did not want to think about it. I was mad and disgusted at myself, hating that I could not control myself enough to resist giving in.
“Fuck…” I sighed again, screaming into the open air. “I had dozens of opportunities to not give in. I was strong enough to pull away when he reached for my lips. I should not have followed him into that storage room when he suggested it.”
The more I thought of it, the more I felt this drilling guilt.
It was crazy because Kieran wasn’t even my first.
I had not felt this much disgust even when I was uncertain after my first time. I did not feel cringe enough that I could barely look at myself in front of the mirror.
“Well, it’s because of what he said after everything.” My wolf chimed in, surprising me.
“Where have you been all this time?” I screamed out. Since the rejection, this was the first full connection I was having with my wolf, but the emotions that surged through me drowned my excitement.
“If you had not disappeared, I would not have made the decision I made today. He rejected us, had the guts to initiate everything, and then said this was nothing.”
“Aarghhh…” I screamed again into my pillow, frustration and humiliation burning through me in equal measure.
My wolf was quiet for a moment, then: “He didn’t say it was nothing. He said he didn’t know what it was. There’s a difference.”
“It amounts to the same thing,” I shot back. “I asked him what we were, and he couldn’t even give me an answer.”
“I felt his wolf tonight. It gave a confusing energy but it does seem like all he shows is not all there is.” She defended.
“I don’t want to know, I don’t care.” 
But even as I said it, I knew it was a lie. “He does not get to do this to me. He does not get to mess with my emotions the way he wants and tell me he doesn’t know what this is. He does not… arrghhh”
I couldn’t even finish the sentence. It was hard to put into words what we had done in that storage room.
My wolf’s presence was stronger now than it had been in weeks. I could feel her settling back into place, like a part of me that had been missing was finally returning.
And I knew, even though she didn’t say it, that the encounter with Kieran had done this. There was a myth about it that somehow explained how it reactivated the connection between us.
The realization made me feel sick and hopeful all at once.
I pushed myself up from the bed, needing to do something. Anything. I felt dirty, not just physically, but emotionally. Like I had betrayed myself by giving in to something I knew would only hurt me in the end.
I needed to wash away the evidence of what we had done. I stripped off my clothes—the same ones I’d hastily pulled back on in the storage room—and turned on the shower. While the water heated, I took care of the immediate aftermath, cleaning myself carefully.
My hands were shaking.
The water was scalding when I stepped under it, but I welcomed the burn, allowing it wash over me, and rinse away the sweat and the scent of his hands on my skin.
But no matter how hard I scrubbed, I could still feel him, and the memories even as I tried blocking them, out made it seem like I was experiencing his touch everywhere he had been.
I stayed in the shower until the water ran cold. Then I dried off, pulled on clean pajamas, and tried to pretend I felt better.
I didn’t.
A knock at my door made me jump.
I froze, my heart suddenly racing.
I crossed to the door, hesitating with my hand on the handle. Part of me knew who it would be before I opened it because of my wolf’s reaction.
And I was right.
Kieran stood in the hallway, holding my bag in his hands.
“You left this,” he said quietly. “In the library.”
I was only realizing at that instant. I had been so desperate to escape, and overwhelmed by what we had done and his non-answer to my question, that I had grabbed my phone and left there without thinking.
Coupled with Damien’s appearance too.
“Thank you.” I reached for the bag, careful not to let our fingers touch.
But he didn’t let go immediately. We stood there in an awkward tug-of-war, both holding the strap.
“Elena—”
I pretended like I did not hear him and without looking at him, I pulled harder, and he released his grip. 
His voice sounded like he wanted to say something. While I was praying that he would not, and leave already. 
Seeing him made me remember again and again, that I had been open to this man and he had seen me, despite not wanting me. 
I felt like I only deserved the role of a mistress.
I subconsciously let out a breath when I heard footsteps in the hallway then one of the staff members appeared, an older woman whose name I had not registered.
“Miss Thorne, dinner is ready. The Alpha asked me to let you know.” Her gaze flicked to Kieran, then back to me. “You too, Alpha Kieran.”
“We’ll be right down,” Kieran said, not looking away from me.
The woman nodded and disappeared back down the stairs.
Kieran and I stood there for another moment. Then I stepped back into my room.
“I need to change,” I said, even though I was already dressed appropriately for dinner. “I’ll be down in a minute.”
I closed the door before he could respond.
My hands were shaking again as I leaned against it, listening to his footsteps retreat down the hallway.
I gave myself thirty seconds to breathe. Then I headed downstairs.
\~~~

Dinner was a special kind of torture.
Alpha Marcus sat at the head of the table, Damien to his right, and Kieran to his left. I took my usual seat next to Damien, as far from Kieran as possible without being obvious about it.
The food was excellent, as always. 
“So,” Alpha Marcus said about halfway through the meal, setting down his fork. “Where were you two during the storm? We tried calling, but neither of you answered.”
“We were studying m,” Kieran replied. “In the library. We didn’t realize how late it was until the power went out.”
“The electronic locks engaged,” I added, keeping my eyes on my plate. “And we were trapped in the storage room until Damien found us.”
Alpha Marcus’s gaze moved between us, and I could feel him assessing my every action.
“I see,” he said slowly. “And everything was… alright? No problems?”
“No problems.” Kieran replied.
It did not seem as though Alpha Kieran was satisfied when he went on to ask, “Did anything happen? Even while coming from school?”
Kieran shook his head. “Nothing happened, Alpha.”
Something about the way he said it made my chest tight.
Nothing happened. Like what we had done was nothing.
I stabbed at my food with more force, accidentally making a sound that caused the full table to look towards me.
Alpha Marcus’s eyes narrowed slightly at me. He knew something was off. I could see it in the way he rotated his gaze between us.
“You both seem… tense. Are you sure nothing happened?”
“Nothing happened,” Kieran repeated, and I hated how easily the lie came to him. Of course, I did not expect him to tell the Alpha but still…
“We’re fine, Alpha Marcus,” I managed, forcing my voice to stay level. “Just tired. It was a long day.”
He didn’t look convinced, but he let it drop. The conversation shifted to pack business, then to Damien’s classes. 
Finally and mercifully, dinner ended.
Alpha Marcus stood first, excusing himself to take a call. Kieran followed shortly after, mumbling something about needing to review his mythology notes.
He didn’t look at me as he left.
I started to stand, needing to escape to my room, but Damien’s hand on my arm stopped me.
“Hey,” he said quietly. “Can we talk for a second?”
My stomach dropped. “Sure. What about?”
He waited until we were alone, until the staff had cleared the table and disappeared into the kitchen. Then he turned to face me fully with a serious expression on his face.
“Weird question,” he started, and I knew immediately that this was going to be bad. “But did anything happen between you and Kieran tonight?”
I kept my face carefully blank. “No. What do you mean?”
“Like…” He seemed to struggle with how to phrase it. “Did you guys, um… have any sexual, you know…”
“No!” The word came out instantly. “That’s not—that’s not even possible.”
Damien’s eyebrows rose. “It’s not possible? Or it didn’t happen?”
“Both. Neither. It can’t!” I was fumbling now. “Why would you even ask that?”
He leaned closer, his voice dropping even lower. “Because I can smell his scent on you.”
I stared at him, my mind scrambling for an explanation. An excuse that could work, or just anything.
But there was nothing. No way to explain why Kieran’s scent would be all over me except that we had been together. But was it that strong?
“Elena,” Damien said gently. “I’m not judging. I’m just concerned. For both of you. Whatever happened—”
“Nothing happened,” I immediately said again.
“Okay then.” He shook his head. “I just wanted to know because I know how awkward it would be if something had happened, and things go south. But I’m glad you have cleared my doubts.”