Chapter XXX

***Trigger warning***

Turning on the hot water to allow time for it to warm up I look in the mirror. Climbing into the shower I allowed the water and steam to consume me. Again, images of darkness flash through my mind.

I felt the darkness drawing closer to me, pressing down. Suffocating me slowly as the man continued to drag me deeper into the woods. As we walked, the densely packed trees loomed high above but remained still despite the icy breeze that continued to flow around me.

The silvery moonlight was slowed to a trickle by the full branches, and I had to squint, only to see a path of gloom and uncertainty ahead.

The images slowly dissipated, and I returned to reality with a sense of dread. Feeling no better than I did at the therapist, knots formed in my stomach. And vomit slowly emerged to my throat.

Sprinting out of the shower as fast as I possible, I vomited the remaining food from lunch into the toilet bowl.

The tears slowly guided down my face leaving a hot trail behind them. I was angry. Not only at myself but the world. I felt like I was slowly dying and there was no one to save me.

No one cared. It was just me. I was all I had. The coldness of the bathroom tile against my naked butt urged me to get off the floor. Allowing the wall to hold me I depended on my leg strength to help me stand.

Over the years this stranger had me weak. This mystery man took away what I held so dearly, my confidence. I no longer thought of myself as strong and powerful. The very attributes that made me a woman.

My Uncle Monte made me happy everytime I see him. Now I realized that he was my safe space because I never really felt comfortable being around my family.

My parents and sister has always played tricks on my mind.

He always told me," Baby girl, women were created to do everything a man can't do." I embraced that part of me, and this mystery man stole my essence. It was as if he was taking candy from a baby.

I wondered for many years, how many others had he done this too? Who else suffered at the mercy of his hands? Who else virtues were stolen and replaced with misery?

By now the shower water had turned ice cold. Turning the faucet off. I rinse my mouth with mouthwash before heading to the bedroom closet to get dressed. At least I have an empty stomach now.

Finally deciding on the beautiful black cutout long dress to match my mood I walked into the kitchen. Just in time to hear my phone going off again. I forgot to take it off vibrate. I knew it was my Monte confirming that I would be arriving on time. I texted him a quick "OTW" to ease his mind.

Grabbing my purse and keys I left for the restaurant.

As I pulled up the valet tenant open my door, while holding it, he led me out of the car. Giving him a quick nod, I entered into the restaurant. The greeter asks for my reservation and without hesitation told me to follow her. The aromas of different foods enticed my stomach and it started to do a low growl.

As I approached the table I wanted to run. Standing beside Monte was HIM. Internally I want to break down. Physically I wanted to run. Emotionally I wanted to cry but not before slapping the taste out of his mouth.

I looked at my Monte and back to HIM than back to Monte. Before I could utter a word, I felt a push from the back and the bottle of wine on my table clash to the floor but not before spilling on my dress.

Could this night get any worse?

The restaurant seemed quieter. Maybe because I was so focused on my uncle. As well as, what the hell, Knox was doing here factor?! Apparently, I missed the memo. "Before, you react baby girl. I thought you needed closure", Monte calmly stated.

I checked out for a minute to collect myself before replying, you could have told me, Monte. "But would you have come", he questioned.

Hell no, I said, while folding my arms. I was so uncomfortable and the fact that about five restaurant employees were around our table cleaning up the spill. Was drawing unwanted attention to me. I wanted to hide.

Monte walked closer and said, "I'll give you guys a minute to talk." Before exiting he leaned in and whispered, "you look very beautiful, baby girl."

Gave a quick peck on my cheeks and left. "Your menu", the waiter said while handing the thin plastic booklet to me. Thanks, I responded before sitting on the opposite side of the table from where Knox stood.

He pulled out his chair and immediately the smell of his high end of cologne engulfed me playing on forgotten memories. My eyes became watery. I blinked two quick times and starred. "What are you doing here, Knox?"

He answered my question with a question, "would you like something to drink?" Cut the bullshit, Knox, I replied calmly. I know he noticed the folded arms and the look of disgust. This isn't a date.

Taking a sip of water, he finally spoke, "look you have every right to be upset but I missed you. I missed us. I missed the moments", he quietly stated.

The room goes quiet as Knox stands and pulls his chair on my side of the table. He inches closer to me; I could smell the mint radiating off his breathing. He looks into my eyes questionably. I follow his eyes as they go from my lips and back to my eyes.

I know that look, he is asking for permission. I take a deep breath. For a quick second, I forget to exhale. What is it? I uttered. Never taking my eyes off him. With a sheepish kind of behavior, he hesitantly said, "I wanted to apologize...if you would let me."

Rolling my eyes with my guard up, I stood. Knox started to apologize, "I am so sor--".

Disapprovingly I cut him off midsentence. Knox, I must go. I have work tomorrow. I lied but this is his fault. He doesn't need an up to date agenda of what I am doing.

Holding up quotation marks symbols with his fingers, "Still running I see", he continued, "you never gave me a chance to explain what happened I know I-"

Furiously, I waved my hand at him as if to say no more. "Save it, Knox! What do I look like to you? Better yet, who do I look like to you?"

Silence. Silence is all I hear. No reaction is all is seen. He looks disappointed. We just stood there for what felt like a long time. Not saying anything. Just staring...

Suddenly the feeling of awkwardness starts to settle in. Finally, I let the words just spill out of my mouth like an erupting volcano. "Knox, you hurt me. I loved you but you betrayed me."

He reached out to grab my hand but reconsidered. "Knox, if I could take back everything that was done. I would. You don't know how much it is killing me inside."

I turned away from him to gather my things. Before leaving the restaurant, I gave him a look of sadness before firmly stating, "This time stay away from me. From my Uncle. Go back to my sister. Let's leave the past in the past."

***Knox Point of View:***

I loved Lily. I wish we could go back to that place where she was mine and I was hers.

She no longer wrote because of the fear that subdued her. She no longer sees her own beauty. She cried many nights after they found her. Her night terrors making her sub come to vivid nightmares and dreams. She often woke up screaming about walking under the dark tresses of the trees where her feet caressed the velvet flesh of the forest ground. She was tormented and I, her lover, was with someone else.

Her sister. I was fucking her sister and making love to her. Lily didn't need to know that 3 years ago, we started our affair.

I took a personal oath to protect and love Lily. How can you be in love with two women?

Her parents never really wanted me with her. They didn't care she was missing before leaving to go off to college.

But instead, I failed. I failed her. I failed me. I failed us.

Now I'm watching her leave out of my life once again. This time maybe for good.

And this all Alexander fault. He will pay tremendously for the strain he caused on our relationship.

I wanted revenge burning like a fire, fueled by my insistence.