Chapter 52 Tensed state
Lucas instinctively flexed his fingers, then stopped, as if caught. It wasn't due to pain but due to the sensation Alex’s touch gave him. “It’s nothing,” he murmured, forcing a small smile.
Alex wasn’t convinced. He reached out, careful, his fingers hovering before lightly taking Lucas’s hand. “You don’t wince over nothing,” he said quietly. “Talk to me. I need to know you’re okay.”
“Yeah, I’m okay. It doesn’t hurt that much,” Lucas said quickly, the words tumbling out as if speed alone could make them true. “I was just rushing to get the order out on time, that’s all. I probably stressed it a bit.”
Even as he spoke, the explanation felt thin, more for himself than for Alex. He drew a slow breath, forcing his shoulders to relax and his pulse to settle.
“Stay calm, keep it together, guy. You know what you want.” He muttered within himself praying Alex wouldn't bring up last night's discussion or the Club Unite kiss. Because he knew the moment he brought any of them up, especially the kiss he couldn’t remember, everything he was keeping inside would unravel.
At the thought of that, his heart started pounding, loud and traitorous. Heat crept up his neck, flushed his cheeks. Lucas dropped his gaze to the floor, suddenly very interested in a nonexistent spot on the floor. He had to do anything to avoid Alex’s eyes.
He knew if Alex looked at him too closely, he would see it all—the confusion, the fear, the ache of not knowing what had happened, and the terror of wanting it to have happened anyway.
So Lucas stayed quiet, fingers curling into his palm, breathing shallow and fast, bracing himself…
hoping Alex wouldn’t ask.
But then Alex asked it anyway—soft, careful, and somehow more dangerous than if he had demanded it.
“Why are you scared of love?” he said quietly. “Why do you say you can’t?”
The question landed heavily in Lucas’s chest. He swallowed hard, his throat suddenly dry. He shifted on the couch, fingers fidgeting with the hem of his sleeve, twisting the fabric as if it could anchor him. “I’m not scared,” he said too quickly, the lie brittle. “It’s just… I’m not ready. That’s all. Some people aren’t built for this kind of thing.”
He forced a weak laugh, eyes still downcast. “Love takes time, right? And I don’t have my life figured out yet. There’s work, expectations, everything piling up. I just—” He stopped, breath hitching, his chest tightening as anxiety wrapped around him like a vice. The words he couldn’t say pressed painfully against his ribs, desperate to escape and yet terrifying to release.
He shook his head. “Please, Alex. Don’t ask me to explain something I don’t even understand myself.”
Alex didn’t move away. Instead, he shifted closer, slow and deliberate, as if giving Lucas every chance to pull back. When he spoke, his voice was low, warm, threaded with something unmistakably tender. “Lucas,” he murmured, “I’m not trying to corner you. I just… I see you. And I can tell there’s something you’re carrying alone.”
He reached out, not quite touching, letting his hand hover near Lucas’s. “You don’t have to tell me everything,” Alex said softly. “Just a little so I can help. A little so I will know how to be there for you, hmm.”
His hand held Lucas’s; he didn't refuse, but his breath trembled. His heart raced harder, fear and longing tangling together to the extent he couldn’t tell them apart.
Alex leaned in just a fraction, his forehead almost brushing Lucas’s temple. “I’m not going anywhere,” he whispered. “But I can’t stop caring. So please… let me in. Even if it’s just a little.”
The silence between them stretched; it felt tight, fragile, and aching. Lucas was right on the edge of a truth he wasn’t ready to reveal, shaking beneath the weight of it.
Alex’s hand finally closed around Lucas’s…gentle, warm, and steady. The contact sent a jolt through Lucas’s chest, sharp and overwhelming. He sucked in a breath and tried to pull back, but Alex held on gently. He just stayed there, patient, as if he had all the time in the world.
“Lucas,” Alex said again, his voice breaking just enough to give him away. “Whatever it is, it’s already hurting you. I can see it. Please… don’t shut me out.”
Lucas shook his head, panic flashing across his face. “Alex, please,” he whispered, the word fragile, almost desperate. “Don’t ask me. I can’t—” His voice cracked and he looked away, eyes glistening. “I can’t tell you why, please.”
Alex leaned closer, his free hand lifting to Lucas’s cheek, thumb brushing softly beneath his eye. “I’m not asking you to tell me everything,” he said, pleading now, no longer hiding it. “Just tell me what’s keeping you from me. Let me understand why you’re so afraid of loving… of being loved.”
Lucas’s breathing turned uneven. His chest rose and fell too fast, anxiety clawing at him, squeezing the truth tighter inside him. “If I say it out loud,” he said hoarsely, “it becomes real. And I can’t afford that. Not now. Maybe not ever.”
Alex’s forehead rested lightly against his, the closeness almost unbearable. “Oh my Lucas,” he murmured, his voice thick with emotion, “it hurts not knowing. It hurts watching you pull away when all I want is to hold you. I swear, whatever it is, I won’t judge you. I won’t leave you.”
Lucas let out a shaky breath that sounded like a sob caught halfway. “You don’t understand,” he pleaded. “Please stop asking. Please. I don’t have the courage to say it, and you don’t deserve half-answers or lies.”
Alex’s grip tightened just a little, not possessive—afraid. “Then help me understand why you won’t tell me,” he begged. “Tell me why you think this secret is something I shouldn’t know.”
Lucas squeezed his eyes shut, tears threatening now. “Because once you know,” he whispered, voice barely there, “you won’t be able to look at me the same way.”
The air between them felt fragile enough to shatter.
Alex stayed there, breathing him in, torn between his need to know and his fear of pushing Lucas too far. While Lucas stood on the edge, silently begging Alex to stop… before he broke completely.
The silence between them was thick, almost suffocating. Alex’s breath brushed Lucas’s skin, his hold still warm, still pleading. Lucas’s lips parted, as if something…the truth might finally escape.
And then in the midst of that tensed state, a sharp buzz cut through the moment.
Both Alex and Lucas flinched as Lucas's phone vibrated violently in his pocket, the sound jarringly loud in the quiet room. He sucked in a startled breath, heart leaping, and the spell shattered just enough for him to pull back. His hand trembled as he reached for the phone, fingers fumbling before wrapping around it.
“Oh, I'm sorry. I…I,” Lucas stuttered.