Chapter Seventeen: Lacey

Coffee tasted bland this morning, and so did the chocolate turnover that I had come to like so damn much during our time spent in Hawaii.

I sat alone in a corner booth in the café, sipping the black coffee and picking mindlessly at the pastry on my small plate. Jesus, we’d done it again. We’d broken the vow and slept together again, and as much as I wanted to regret it and hate myself for doing it, I just couldn’t. Because the truth was, being with Ezra was everything I ever imagined it would be and more, and that was the whole damn truth. I yearned for him at every waking moment, both sober and drunk, but I could feel deep in my heart that once this mini-vacation ended, that would be the last of it, and nothing scared me more than that did.

Ezra’s small, so-called harmless little comments didn’t help anything at all, of course, and we’d both agreed in the beginning that this was nothing serious. Friends with benefits, out to have a good time. But I could feel myself wanting more from him—starting to crave more. It was natural, I think, to feel that way about someone I’d secretly loved for so long, but it was also starting to hurt, and I worried about the repercussions. If Ezra knew my true feelings for him, I’d scare him away and probably lose him forever. After all, I knew how he was with women. He didn’t want emotions; they were too messy. He wanted sex. He wanted to fuck. And I was just another pawn in his game. If he ever thought I might have actual feelings for him, things would never be the same, and I think we both knew that.

With a sigh, I pushed the plate away and sat back a bit, wishing things weren’t becoming so damn complicated. I had to say something—I had to take a step back so the two of us wouldn’t wind up equally fucked in the end. He could handle this, I was sure, just as he dealt with any other woman he got into bed with. But me? I was less prone to seeing the situation through rose colored glasses, and I didn’t want to be the one out of the two of us who came out of this with a broken heart and a bruised ego.

Enough was enough. I would have to end this.

Ezra came down the elevator just a few minutes later, dressed in khaki shorts and a button-up tee shirt. God, I hated how freaking good he looked, just as he looked at every moment of every day. Fully dressed, naked, good day or bad, he still looked like some freaking Greek God. Sometimes I just wanted to punch him in the face for it.

“Not hungry?” he asked, sliding into the booth across from me as he eyed the untouched pastry on my plate. I shrugged and shook my head, offering it to him, but he also turned it down. Weird. Ezra never turned down food.

“What time does your family want to meet?” I asked, glancing at the time on my phone.

“Ten minutes or so,” said Ezra. “Down at the grill on the beach.”

“I guess we should head over then.” I finished off my bland mug of coffee and stood up, making it a point not to get too physically close to Ezra as we walked. I didn’t think I could handle it, to be honest, because my body already ached for him, and I wanted nothing more than to wrap my body around his, pull him back to the room, and seduce him just the way he seduced me every moment of every day.

Ezra was quiet as we walked, so I stayed quiet too, not really wanting to get into the conversation of last night but knowing that it was inevitable and would have to happen soon. Fortunately, as much as Ezra dreaded lunch with his family, I was relieved. Any distraction, big or little, from our current, tense relationship was just what I think we both needed.

“Ezra!” Elijah shouted, spotting us from where he was sitting at a dining table with Ava. “Lacey!”

“Good morning, guys,” I said, plastering on my best smile as Ezra and I joined the two of them at the table. Kevin and Tabitha weren’t here yet, and I saw Ezra visibly relax for a moment.

“How has the week been?” Ava asked me as Elijah and Ezra made easy conversation.

“It’s been wonderful here,” I told her honestly, avoiding thinking about my nights with Ezra. I forced my mind off my best friend and focused on Ava, why we were here. “Your wedding is in two days,” I said with a grin. “Are you so excited?”

“You have no idea,” Ava answered, her face lighting up. “Everyone is having so much fun, us included, that I keep almost forgetting that the ceremony and reception are still to be had. I feel like I’m already married and on our honeymoon.” She giggled, her cheeks flushing bright pink.

“I’m just so happy for you guys,” I said sincerely. “And I envy you. I can’t wait until I can experience it, too.”

“You will,” promised Ava, and then I realized Ezra and Elijah had taken a brief break in the conversation, and Ezra was listening to the conversation between Ava and me. “When you find that perfect guy, Lacey, hold onto him. And don’t settle for less than you want and deserve. Plan for the beautiful wedding and enjoy every moment of it.” She reached across the table and squeezed my hand. Next to me, Ezra made it a point to look away, but fortunately, before things could get too awkward, Tabitha’s sharp, high-pitched voice rang through the air.

“Hello, my lovelies,” she trilled, a mimosa already halfway gone juggled in one hand. The beachy sun hat she wore was extravagant, and she almost knocked Ezra out of the chair with it as she sat down on the other side of him.

“Hi, mom,” Ezra said.

“Where’s Father?” asked Elijah, and Tabitha rolled her eyes, ever the drama queen.

“I don’t know, son. I’m not his caretaker,” she said with a sigh. I could tell she was already partially drunk, and I had half a mind to join her. I knew Ezra was thinking the same thing.

“Is someone asking for me?” boomed Kevin’s voice behind us. He, too, had a bottle of beer in one hand as he plopped down on the other side of the table next to Elijah, taking a swig of his beer.

“Guys, it’s eleven in the morning,” said Elijah, glancing at the watch on his wrist. “How many drinks have you each had?”

“Oh, sweetheart, don’t be a buzzkill,” said Tabitha with a wave of her manicured hand. “It’s a vacation.”

“Technically, Mom, it’s your son’s wedding,” Ezra muttered, as though he suddenly gave a shit. At the arrival of his parents at the table, his body had visibly tensed back up, and I could almost feel the disapproval leaking from his pores. Ever since the messy divorce when the boys were young, being around his parents was difficult for Ezra. Especially both of them at once. It brought on anxiety and rage that I’d never really experienced with my best friend. I knew it was one of the reasons he wanted me to come in the first place, for the moral support.

Funny how that worked out.

“You boys act like you’re the parents now,” said Kevin as the server came over to take drink orders. I don’t know if it was because of the situation or just because everyone felt like partying a bit, but we all ordered something with booze, probably to make it through this lunch alive.

“If you guys acted like parents, we wouldn’t have to,” said Ezra. Across the table, Elijah shot him a stern look, which Ezra ignored. I glanced at Ava, the only other neutral third party, and she made a face, which made me chuckle. I was glad I wasn’t alone here.

“So, Elijah,” I said, leaning forward to intervene before the conversation got too heated. “I was just talking to your lovely bride about the wedding. Are you glad you went this route? To the beautiful, big island of Hawaii?”

“Yes,” he said, lighting up just as his fiancé had. “It’s been fantastic, and the wedding will be even better.”

“Not to say that location is everything,” added Ava, taking Elijah’s hand. He squeezed her fingers lovingly, holding onto her. “I would marry Elijah in a cardboard box if I had to. The truth is, it doesn’t matter where we are … getting married is just the beginning. I look forward to our lives together.”

On the other side of Ezra, Tabitha scoffed at this, draining the rest of her mimosa as the server delivered our drinks. “I looked forward to the same thing, dear,” she said, turning her head to glower at Kevin. “But don’t get your hopes up.”

“Mother,” said Elijah under his breath. Next to me, Ezra went even stiffer than before, if possible, but this time he kept his mouth shut to let his brother handle it. “Please don’t say things like that.”

“Well, I’m sorry, son, but it’s true,” said Tabitha, waving a hand at him. “Your father promised to love me unconditionally as well. But look how that turned out.”

Now it was Kevin’s turn to scoff. He hit the top of the table with a balled fist, shaking his head. “Marriage is a trap,” he said to Elijah, ignoring Tabitha completely. “It’s some sort of fucking joke that the government ropes us into to make us think that it’s what we need to do.”

“Easy on the conspiracy theories, Dad,” Ezra said. “Maybe you could both just be happy that your oldest son has found the woman he actually wants to spend the rest of his life with.”

“Thank you, Ezra,” said Elijah, but I knew better than to believe that lie. Ezra was only standing up for Elijah because it was the only way he could argue with his parents. He was as bad as they were about commitment and marriage, but he wouldn’t admit it to them.

“Oh, honey,” said Tabitha, glancing at Ezra. “We all think that way before we marry who we think is our soulmate. But it’s old news. It never works out. Those people who tell you that they’ll be together forever—and happy—are full of poop. It’s only a matter of time. And if they do stay together, it’s not because they’re happy. It’s because it’s expected of them. Leaving your father is the best thing I ever did.”

Again, Ava and I glanced at each other. She looked horrified, and I wished I could subtly take her aside and calm her down. I wasn’t sure how much time she’d spent with the divorced Trevinos, but I’d seen this before. It was the primary reason Ezra was so bitter, so stomped down, believing that love wasn’t real. I blamed them as much as he did, if not more.

I smiled reassuringly at her as Kevin and Tabitha began to bicker, hoping this wouldn’t detour her from her marriage and commitment to Elijah. I called bullshit on everything that the Trevino's said. They had never been good together, truthfully, even before the divorce. I hadn’t known them forever, but I’d known them long enough. They were toxic to each other, but that wasn’t the case for everyone.

“Time for food,” I said loudly as the server returned to take our order. Tabitha and Kevin stopped bickering just long enough to order something random from the menu and then picked it up again as soon as the server walked away. I reached for my blended daiquiri and took a long drink, silently wondering if it would be inappropriate to order a round of shots instead. Next to me, I could feel the anger, rage, and anxiety pouring from Ezra, but as much as I wanted to reach out and put my hand on his arm, reassure him, I wasn’t sure it was a good idea. Not while he was so fired up. The sooner this lunch came to an end, the better. At this point, I didn’t care if we had to sit down together and hash out every moment of the night before. Anything was better than this.

“So, Lacey,” Ava said after a few minutes, trying to make her voice heard over Kevin and Tabitha. “How are things back in Seattle? Any new dating prospects?” Her question was innocent, but when Ezra whipped his head to the side to look at me, putting me on the spot, I knew trouble would ensue.

“Yes, darling, tell us about you,” said Tabitha, abandoning Kevin mid-argument to focus on me. I felt the heat rise to my neck and cheeks and wanted nothing more than to sink into a big, black hole of nothingness.

“Uh, not really,” I said with what I hoped was an innocent shrug. “I mostly stay busy with work. No time for relationships, you know.”

“You should make the time,” said Elijah. “You’re a catch, Lace. Any guy would be lucky to have you.”

I cleared my throat and focused on the frost on the glass in front of me, avoiding Ezra’s gaze that burned through the side of my skull. “For sure,” I said awkwardly. “I guess I’m just waiting for the right guy to come along.”

“I get that,” said Ava. “Sometimes that’s the best thing to do. You don’t want to force anything.”

“Right.” I knew Ezra wanted to say something snarky probably, but he kept his mouth shut to his credit. His eyes, however, stayed pinned on my face for far too long. I took another long drink of my boozy concoction, sucking it until brain freeze hit, and it was at about that time that the server delivered our food. Around the table, a collective sigh of relief slipped from everyone’s lips, and for the next few minutes, there was no more talk, just eating.

“Well,” Elijah said as we finished off our meals. “I’m so glad we did this. Mom, Dad, it’s always a pleasure.”

Ava and I giggled, but Tabitha and Kevin glared. Even Ezra cracked a small smile. He looked at me, visibly relaxing as the meal ended, and the beer he ordered soothed his nerves.

“Want to go to the beach?” he asked, and I nodded eagerly, more than ready to bail. Lunch with Elijah and Ava would have been perfect, but at this point, my nerves were already frayed from Tabitha and Kevin’s bickering.

“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” Elijah said as Ezra grabbed his beer. I finished off my daquiri, anxious to get to the beach to order another, and then stood to follow him as the rest of the table awkwardly departed as well.

“Thank God that’s over with,” Ezra muttered to me as we walked side-by-side down the sandy beach and towards the water. A few friendly staff members combed the beach, some carrying towels to hand out in a basket and the others carrying trays of drinks to order. We grabbed two towels and laid them out on the sand, and then Ezra ordered us another drink.

“Hey,” I said as we settled into the warm sand. “Are you okay? I know that was—hard for you.”

Ezra shrugged, thanking the staff member who delivered our drinks. I took a sip of mine, and he did the same.

“I’m a big boy,” he said. “I’ll survive.”

I sighed, propping my drink in the sand next to me. “You’re allowed to have feelings,” I told him. “I know it’s hard for you to be around your parents when they’re like that. I know it stresses you out.”

For a long moment, Ezra said nothing at all to this, merely gazed off into the distance, and I was sure he wouldn’t even respond for a minute. But as soon as I looked away, focusing on the water in front of us, he spoke.

“You’ve asked me before why I never had an interest in settling down or getting married,” he said, unconsciously rubbing the stubble on his chin. I nodded, turning a bit to look at him, wanting him to know that he had my full, undivided attention.

“Yeah,” I confirmed, and though I already knew, I wanted to hear it from him. Out loud. “But you never really gave me a straight answer.”

Ezra sighed, looking distraught as he ran a hand through his hair. “Tabitha and Kevin are the reason,” he said. “They—they ruined it for me, Lacey. Their hatred for each other, the tension. Once upon a time, my parents were in love too, you know? They had Elijah and me, and apparently, they loved one another. But look at them now. Look at what this divorce has turned into. They’re enemies. They hate each other. How can two people supposedly in love ever turn out like that?” He shook his head and sighed, rubbing the palm of his hand over his face. “I know it’s probably just me being a baby,” he continued. “After all, Elijah obviously got over it. But I can’t seem to, and I don’t know why. I don’t want to hate the woman I love, Lacey. I don’t want to risk that happening.”

I nodded, reaching out to rest my hand on his arm, squeezing it reassuringly. He tensed, but only briefly.

“I understand,” I told him. “And believe me, Ezra, you’re not the only person who has ever felt this way.”

“I know,” he admitted. “Sometimes I just feel like I should be able to get past it as an adult, but I can’t seem to find the way. Other people have trauma in their lives every day, many of them worse than mine, but they move on. They pave their own path. And I feel like I’m stuck in a never-ending cycle of nothing.”

“Isn’t that what you want?” I asked. “If commitment makes you uncomfortable, then don’t do it. Nobody is forcing you to.”

“I know that,” he said. “But sometimes I see people like Ava and my brother, and I envy them. Sometimes—sometimes I want that.”

I said nothing to this because I really didn’t know if he was serious or not. Ezra had a tendency to ramble, especially when he was stressed out, and whatever he said while in a dark mood was more than likely bullshit. Today he envied commitment; tomorrow, he’d go back to saying how awful love truly was … that it didn’t even exist.

“I think there’s a part in every person who wants that,” I finally said. “But love like that doesn’t come easy, Ezra, and I think you expect it to. There are too many people in life who think that it should be easy and flawless and that when shit gets hard, it’s time to throw in the towel and run away.” I paused and took a breath. “But that’s not how it works. The relationships that survive are the ones that are fought for. They’re hard. And gritty. And sometimes extremely painful. But you don’t give up on each other because that’s what love means. Unconditional love, anyway.”

Ezra stayed silent, but I could tell that he was mulling my words over in his head. Whether it would actually make him think about it or not was debatable, but at least I’d said my piece.

“You know, Lacey,” Ezra said after a few minutes of comfortable silence. “It never fails to amaze me how deep you really are.”

“Well, thanks,” I said with a laugh. “But if you’re comparing me to the other women you know, I’m not sure whether to be offended or complimented.”

“It’s a compliment, for sure,” he said, taking a sip of his beer. He sat up on the towel, unbuttoning his shirt before pulling it over his head to bask in the sun. For a moment, I couldn’t look away; couldn’t peel my eyes from his perfect physique, the rock-hard abs I’d had the pleasure of getting to know better during our time in Hawaii. God, he was beautiful. He always had been and always would be. Ezra Trevino was easily a ten out of ten, while I balanced between a four on a bad day and a seven on a great day. We weren’t compatible, not even physically. Things might not ever change between us, and I think it was time to accept that. Maybe someday I’d be at his wedding, sitting in the crowd, watching my best friend marry his perfect ten. The woman he was dedicated to, devoted to, the woman he loved unconditionally, the one he was willing to fight for through the good times and the bad.

If that ever happened, it just wouldn’t be me.

An easy silence settled between us as Ezra and I laid out in the sun, sipping on our drinks and enjoying the view of the rolling ocean in front of us. He stood up after about an hour, running a hand through his sandy blonde hair.

“I’m getting hot,” he said, his muscles flexing under the warm afternoon sun. “Care for a swim?”

“I don’t have my suit on,” I said, finishing my drink as I scrambled to sit up.

“But you have undies and a bra, right?” said Ezra, his eyes twinkling. A slight tingling between my legs fired up. Damn him.

“Today I do,” I said with a giggle, and Ezra shrugged.

“That’s all you need. Same thing, right?” He offered his hand to me, and I hesitated only briefly before taking it, glancing around to make sure no one was watching me as I slipped my skirt off, removed my top, and dropped the clothes onto the towel.

“Alright, let’s go,” I said, and Ezra unexpectedly took my hand to lead me to the water’s edge, gripping it firmly, unwilling to let go.

“It’s chilly,” he said with a grin, sticking one foot in as the waves rolled over our feet. With a laugh, I dropped his hand, waded it, and then dove the rest of the way, allowing the chill of the waves to wash over my body, shocking me but cooling me at the same time.

“Don’t be a pussy!” I shouted at him. “Come in and join me.”

Ezra shook his head with a laugh, removed the sunglasses from his eyes as he tossed them back onto the beach, and then dove in, emerging a moment later soaking wet and still grinning.

“It feels nice,” he said, swimming up to me. The waves carried us out a little bit, but not too far, and the water began to feel warmer as we floated in the waves.

“I almost don’t want to go home,” I said, floating effortlessly in the saltwater. “Once you’re here, there’s nothing better.”

“We could always move the club here,” teased Ezra, floating a mere foot or two from me. “We could rename it Club Paradise.”

I giggled, dipping my head back to wet my hair again. “It should be so easy.”

For a moment, Ezra watched me, his eyes scanning my face as we floated in the water. I was hyperaware of his gaze, and I tried to pretend like I didn’t notice, but it was difficult not to. We were soaking wet, weightless in the water, with the sun pounding down on our skin. It was bliss.

“The sun brings out your freckles,” Ezra said suddenly, coming closer to me in the water. “I love it.”

“It also brings out some pretty shitty sunburns,” I said with an awkward laugh, turning to swim back towards shore. No way, no how. I couldn’t resist him when he started up those random compliments.

“Lacey,” said Ezra, and I turned towards him just as Ezra’s hands went around my waist in the water. As our bodies pressed together underwater, my skin lit on fire for him. He pulled me into him, and I didn’t resist. I couldn’t even if I wanted to.

“Ezra,” I murmured but then trailed off. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what I could say, not really. We hadn’t figured out anything between us; would we ever?

“I don’t want to stay away from you,” he said, cupping my ass with his hands. My legs went automatically around his waist, and he held me in the water, supporting me to him. My breath caught in my throat as he held me, and I closed my eyes, resting my forehead against his. I was in a dreamland, a fantasy, and there was no escape. Not from this, and not from him. “I can’t stay away from you,” he said again. “Do you realize that?”

“You’re a sex addict,” I teased softly. “Of course, you can’t.”

He shook his head and sighed softly, closing his eyes. It looked like he wanted to say something more, but he didn’t, and for a long, blissful moment, we just held each other in the water, allowing the waves to wash over our skin, warming each other with body heat. As I pressed myself against Ezra, wrapping my legs tighter around his midsection, his prick stiffened against me. A small moan escaped my throat, and I, too, closed my eyes, breathing him in. He wanted me, still, just as much as I wanted him.

“Here?” I whispered, wondering briefly if we should risk killing the mood by hurrying up to the room.

“Here,” he agreed quietly, and a buzz of anticipation crawled up my spine. Before Ezra, I had never been so spontaneous. Bedroom sex had become boring, but it’s what I was used to … what I knew so well. But with him, I didn’t care. I was ready for it, for him, at all times, in any place.

And that’s how I liked it.

“I’m on the pill,” I told him. “With the other women, are you … were you safe?” I hated to ask, but I knew my best friend well, and I didn’t want to risk anything.

“You think I’d risk it?” he said with a grin, and I believed him. He’d never lied to me before. “Trust me, Lacey, I would never do anything to hurt you. Or myself, for that matter.” He kissed me then before I could respond, slipping his tongue between my lips, cupping the back of my head with one hand as I rotated my hips against his groin, making him stiffer. The cool sensation of the water against the hot flush of our skin felt magical, toxic, even. Ezra’s tongue explored mine, making my heart race and my breath quicken as he ravaged me, unwilling to hold back.

Hanging onto Ezra with one arm, I slipped my wet panties to the side, allowing him access, as Ezra let his shorts drop around his ankles. It was just shallow enough that he could stand up straight to support us but just deep enough that no one could tell what we were doing as long as we didn’t make it obvious, which I wasn’t sure I would be able to do.

Ezra entered me with a small gasp of pleasure, and my legs tightened around him, begging him to fill me entirely. I threw my head back and moaned quietly, and Ezra kissed my neck, sucking on the tender parts of my skin as I rotated my hips against his, taking control in the water, driving him wild from my position in his arms. It felt thrilling and unimaginable, and even the oblivious walkers on the beach didn’t hold me back from letting loose. I no longer cared what anybody thought. I felt empowered.

“My God,” Ezra moaned, tiny, gasping breaths escaping his lips. “You’re fucking amazing.”

It didn’t take him long to release, and I came right after he did, leaving us both breathless and panting and clutching each other in the water as we tried to compose ourselves. For a moment that I never wanted to end, we just held each other, silent, bodies pressed together as a single person with a single soul. I never wanted this to end. Not ever.

“Cold yet?” Ezra asked after a few minutes, brushing my lips with his. I realized that as we’d been cooling down, goosebumps from the chill of the water had begun to rise on my arms.

“I guess we can’t stay here forever?” I asked in mock disappointment, and Ezra grinned.

“There’s nowhere else I’d rather be, Lacey. But—it might just be too cold to stay here.”

“Shame.” I still felt breathless, like I might just never compose myself after that. I released my tightened grip around Ezra, letting my legs uncramp under the water as he secured his shorts back up, took my hand, and we walked to shore together, chilled, but satisfied and trembling with pleasure as we made it back to the beach towels and collapsed on top of the warm sand.

“How do you feel?” Ezra asked, rolling his head to the side to look at me. I chuckled and closed my eyes to the sky, feeling the warm sun dry my skin.

“I feel like I’ve experienced more things during this week with you than I have in my entire life,” I said earnestly. “I—I feel good.”

“Me, too,” he said. “Honestly. Me too.”

I wanted to say more, I wanted to talk to him about this, but still, even now, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I couldn’t ruin the moment, couldn’t place a barrier between us that I feared might never break down, might never crumble. I knew we couldn’t avoid it; we couldn’t keep our hands off each other, for hell's sake. But just as I’d felt this morning, that glimmering sensation of apprehension was sneaking up on me again. Who would come out of this heartbroken? Him? Me? Both of us?

There was no way we could avoid it happening to somebody, and I knew it.

But still. We had time. Not long, just two more days, but we had time.

“I’m happy for Elijah,” I said, avoiding our conversation altogether. “Ava has always seemed like quite the catch.”

“She’s a sweet girl,” Ezra agreed. “I hope Elijah treats her right.”

“He will.”

“And I hope—” Ezra trailed off, sighing. “I hope they last, you know? I hope they get their happily ever after.”

“Me, too.”

The two of us fell silent again, but much to my surprise, after a few minutes, Ezra reached across the sand and took my hand, holding it in his. I didn’t pull away, didn’t flinch. But my surprise was overwhelming. Did friends hold hands? Even friends with benefits.

You’re overthinking everything, I reminded myself. Just let it be, and don’t look too far into it.