Harry:
The walls of my apartment were starting to close in on me. I should call my sponsor. I mean, her whole purpose was to talk me off the ledge, and while I may not take the plunge, I definitely wanted to see the view. I pulled out my wallet and looked at the worn ring in the leather. Most guys kept condoms in there; I kept sobriety chips. Taking the chip out, I felt its weight in my hand, turning it around, rubbing the pads of my fingers over the raised words. “To thine own self be true.” Hamlet. Funny, the first time I really noticed Tiffany, she was leaning against the bar reading Hamlet.
I remembered the last time when I got out of rehab and was clean, I allowed myself to drink. Drinking was never a problem. But it enhanced my problem. I’d toss a handful of pills in my mouth and wash it down with a cold beer to speed up the process. But this time, I was taking the program more seriously, and that meant cutting off anything that would dull my senses. Most people thought I got high to feel good. I mean, yeah, I did. But I really got high to forget. To leave my troubles outside and give myself an opportunity to be free. Right now, what I craved was to be rid of the hurt. Free of the monster that dwelled within me. Sometimes I think it would be easier to release him. If I became what everyone expected me to be, then at least I wasn’t disappointing anyone.
Perhaps I should flip the coin. “To thine own self be true…” I unleash the beast. “God grant me the serenity…” I call my sponsor and tell her I’m unraveling. It wasn’t up to me. It was up to fate. Seemed logical. I took a breath, flipped the coin, and caught it. I placed it on the back of my hand, my palm concealing the way this day would go. And in that moment, I knew how weak I was. I had gone almost two years without a hiccup because I locked up my shame, my guilt, the very worst parts of me. My biggest mistake was going on that coffee date. I wished I could go back to that day and not text her, or better yet, not even ask for her number. I couldn’t possibly offer her the life she deserved if I was still in a narcissistic relationship with myself. I took a breath and prepared myself to reveal the coin, but a knock at the door startled me, causing me to drop the coin on the floor. It bounced twice, then rolled under the couch.
No one ever popped in, so I assumed it was someone at the wrong apartment. A delivery or something. I ignored it, getting on my knees to see under the couch, the coin was an arm’s length away, my fingers barely touching it. The knocking continued. With a sigh, I got up, walked over to the door, and looked through the peep hole. I was prepared to see a take-out delivery man or pest control. What I saw was the guy from the cover of last month’s issue of Rolling Stone. I unlocked the door and opened it.
David smirked. “Oh good, you're home.”
“David?” I looked at my cousin, baffled by his impromptu visit. I stepped aside to let him in. He entered and looked around. He hadn’t been here since he moved to New York. I could tell he was reminiscing. It was strange to see him here. You’d never know he was a permanent fixture in what used to be our shared bachelor pad. “What are you doing here?”
“I have an appointment with Pete this afternoon. Getting more ink. Thought maybe we could grab lunch before I go under the needle.”
I glanced at the couch, the coin beneath like a beating heart, taunting me. Looked like fate had intervened after all. “Yeah, let me grab my jacket.”
“So, how is everything in New York?” I asked, taking a bite out of my cheeseburger.
“Busy. The new album releases this summer, right before the wedding.”
“How’s the planning going?”
“Kris insisted on doing it all herself, but she’s finishing her master’s so I got her a wedding planner. She resisted at first, but now I think she’s grateful. Instead of spending her Saturday’s running errands, she reviews a checklist.”
“Wow, the past two years really went by fast. I can’t believe she’s almost done with Juilliard.”
“Yeah, graduation, wedding, and job hunting. She has a full plate right now.”
“She can handle it. Kristen thrives on multi-tasking.”
David smiled. “So, how are you?”
“Fine. Almost done with school myself.”
David nodded. “How’s that girl?”
“What girl?” I tried my best to sound indifferent, but I knew who he was referring to.
“Your mum told me at Christmas you were seeing a girl.”
“Oh, I was never really seeing her. Regardless, I don't hang out with her anymore.”
“That’s a shame. You looked good at Christmas.”
“And I don’t look good now?”
“You look…” David gave me a once over. “Distracted.”
“Oh…”
“Seriously, Harry. You okay?”
I was a coin flip away from using again. Sure, I’m fine. “Yeah. Like I said, work and finishing culinary school. Pressure of finding a new job. That’s all.” I forced a smile. “Usual adult crap.”
David chewed on a fry, and I knew he was trying to decide if I was being honest. He must have not wanted to push me because he changed the subject. “So, I have something to ask you.”
“Ask away.”
He leaned back in his seat. “I had a long talk with Kris. I wanted her opinion first, and she was all for it.”
I took a sip of my Coke. David had everything, so I really didn’t have a clue what he was alluding to.
“I really would like for you to be my best man.”
I started choking on my soda.
“You all right, mate?” I sputtered a cough and nodded. David pushed my untouched water closer to me. I took a slow sip, giving me enough time to digest his irrational request. Best man? Had he lost his mind?
“Yeah. I’m fine.” David stared at me. Shit, he was waiting for an answer. “Um, I don’t think that would be such a good idea.”
David crossed his arms. “Look, I know when I first got back from London things were weird between us.”
“They had to escort you out of the rehab facility because you threatened to beat me to death.”
“Could you blame me?”
“No. Not at all. In fact, I agreed with you. But we don’t have to play games and pretend things are as normal as before you left and it was nothing more than a blip in our relationship. Being your best man is a privilege and an honor. It’s not one I deserve.”
“Harry. You’re not a bad person. You’re a man fighting every day to make sure he keeps himself in check. You only look forward, never back. You’ve completely turned your life around. That is something to be admired. Believe me when I say I have forgiven you, as has Kristen. It would really mean a lot to the both of us if you were my best man.”
His words should have lifted me up, but instead, they slung me into a pool of shame. What if David hadn’t knocked on the door? Would I have done something stupid? “Maybe I’m not ready to accept that kind of admiration.”
“Harry, the only person keeping you in purgatory is you.”
“Excuse me, Mr. Archer?” the waitress asked shyly. Instinctively, we both responded.
“Yes,” we echoed in surround sound. But it was clear which Archer she wanted to speak to. She was inching her server book in front of David with a sharpie.
“I’m sorry to bother you, but could I have your autograph?”
David’s face broke into a relaxed smile. “Of course. Who should I make it out to?”
“Lucy.” She was blushing. I noticed the other waitresses were behind the counter watching her with curiosity.
David wrote a message on her notepad and handed it back to her. “Would you like a picture?”
“Really?”
“Really.” He got out of the booth and took the phone that she had pulled out of her apron in his hands. Posing with his arm around her, he snapped a few selfies. “There you go, love.” He winked as he handed back the phone.
Lucy looked like she might explode from excitement. “Thank you!” She scurried off to the other waitresses, who squealed as she showed them her new treasures.
David slid back into the booth and took a bite out of his monte cristo sandwich.
I glared at him. “Must be hard being you.”
“Nah.” He shrugged and wiped his mouth. “Actually, it’s pretty easy.”
I shook my head. Sometimes I couldn’t fathom how we shared blood. He made life look effortless. He got the career, the girl, and couldn’t eat a sandwich without someone asking for his autograph. Meanwhile, I’m grasping at a coin for sanity and pushing away the only thing in the world that made me feel whole.
“Can I ask you something personal?”
“You can ask. I’ll decide if I want to answer.” He laughed. Was he always this cocky?
“When you and Kristen were broken up, how did you cope?”
“I was immensely distracted with work. Thank God. Any moment I had alone, I drove myself into madness.” He twirled his straw in his glass. “Nothing hurts like love.”
I snapped my gaze up to meet his. For a moment, I saw my old friend. Not the rock star. It was David.
“So, I’m guessing it wasn’t a mutual break up,” he said, looking sympathetic.
“No, it wasn’t mutual.”
“I’m sorry, mate. Truly.”
I picked up a fry and threw it back on my plate in disgust. “I did what I had to do.”
“Wait…” He shook his head in disbelief. “You broke up with her?”
“We weren’t really dating, but yes.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I had to. I—I liked her too much.”
“You liked her too much? Well, that’s a bloody brilliant reason to get rid of her.”
“Go ahead, laugh.” I got up and tossed a twenty on the table. “You forget the last time I liked a girl, it didn’t exactly end well.”
“Harry. Sit down. I didn’t mean it that way.”
“I know you didn’t. I’m sick of explaining. I’m sick of everyone walking around me like I’m a grenade about to go off, like I could fucking implode at any minute. And I’m sure as hell sick of people giving me advice when I didn’t ask for it. All you have to do is show up. That’s it. All you have to do is show up and life is good. Some of us have to work a little harder than that.” I walked out the door and got in my jeep. I was shaking with anger.
A loud rap on my window pulled me out of my pity party. It was David, and if possible, he looked more pissed than I felt. I unrolled the window. “You done, bitching?” I flinched at his words. “Because I refuse to apologize for my success. I worked my ass off to get where I am. I paid my dues. I’m sorry the last girl, as you call her, didn’t work out, but you crossed a fucking line and you paid the price. So you can either pull yourself out of your hole and realize you have another chance at this life or bury yourself in pity. The choice is yours.” He stormed off, and I didn’t follow. This is why I wasn’t fit to be his best man.