Harry:
With Tiffany working, I was able to take a few days to really think about my next move. I hadn’t seen her since she dropped me off at home on Friday afternoon. She had taken on a few extra shifts to make up for the time lost and I didn’t reach out aside from answering her occasional texts. On Tuesday night, the text I had been avoiding finally came through.
It’s supposed to pour tonight. Mind if I come over? We can rent a movie or something. Happy face emoji.
I wrote back yes and waited for the shit to hit the fan.
Tiffany showed up a little after seven with Thai food and a few DVDs. “I figured you always cook, and since my cooking is hazardous to anyone’s health, I opted for take out.”
“That’s great. Thanks.” I took the bag out of her hands and placed it on the kitchen counter, wondering if it was better to break someone’s heart before or after dinner.
“You know what goes on sale soon?” Her eyes glistened with excitement. “Yankee tickets! What game should we go to? Mets or Boston?”
Tempting me with my team… did she know what I was plotting or was the girl this damn perfect? I looked into her eyes and knew it was the latter. I had to end this. Now.
Realizing we were in my apartment, I felt like a schmuck. What was I supposed to do? Kick her out? That didn’t seem right. But prolonging the inevitable didn’t seem right either. “Listen, Tiffany, I think we should talk.”
“Uh-oh. What’s the matter? You don’t think I’m Yankee worthy?”
“Trust me, you are extremely Yankee worthy.”
Her face fell as her smile faded away. “What’s going on?”
“I’ve been thinking a lot since we got back from New York, and I think that maybe our friendship needs to be put on the back burner.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Seeing all those fancy restaurants showed me how far away I am from my dreams. I need to focus more on cooking, and I haven’t put as much effort into my classes since we started hanging out so often.”
“Oh… So you want more time to study?” She looked confused. I didn’t blame her. I was confused as I grasped at straws for a reasonable explanation to give her. “Harry, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about us, too. And I know we’ve been down this road before, and I know your concerns, but, I would really like to take our relationship to the next level.”
“The next level,” I echoed in shock at what she was suggesting.
“Yes. I think I can be bold and say that there is something between us, some chemistry that you can’t deny. You feel it, too, right? I know you do.”
I couldn’t lie to her, so instead I avoided answering her question. “We can’t have that happen.”
“Why?”
“You know why! Stop putting this pressure on me.”
“Pressure? I’m practically giving myself to you, and you act like I’m asking you to rob a bank.”
“I—I don’t want to hurt you.”
“The only way you could hurt me tonight was if you asked me to leave.”
I dropped my gaze to the floor. “Maybe that would be best.”
“Harry! Can you honestly look at me and not see that I’m in love with you?”
She had said the words. Words I could only dream of saying to her in return. “Why… why do you love me?”
“You think you’re this monster. Sorry to break it to you, buddy, but you’re not. What you are is a man who made mistakes. A man who atones for his mistakes every day. Who doesn’t hide from his demons, who wrestles them every night.” She was looking at me, her eyes filled with a conviction I could not comprehend. “I love you because you live your life like it’s a battlefield, but sometimes you need someone on your side so you can win the war. You can fight your demons all you want, just don’t fight me.” She took a step closer. “Not when I’m willing to give you everything.”
She was fighting for me. Fighting so damn hard that she didn’t realize that by me giving her up, I was fighting for her. I was letting her go so she’d find herself again. Find the stage again. Find her dreams again. I was the baggage she didn’t need.
“You said that I grounded you. That I was your anchor. Let me be that anchor. Let me be the one that you turn to. I can handle it, but you have to let me in. That’s all I’m asking from you.”
“You don’t understand. My biggest fear is if I let my guard down, even for a second, I’ll go back to my old ways. I’ve hurt a lot of people. I can’t risk hurting you.” I walked to the door and opened it. “I think it’s best if you go.”
“You’re not thinking clearly,” she said in exasperated disbelief.
“All I’ve done is think about this.”
“Harry Archer, if I walk out that door I will never come back! Do you understand me?” She was fighting back tears, and I was proud she had gotten this far without crying. She was tougher than she looked. She was made of iron. Forged in fire. I was made of wood, terrified of the slightest spark.
“Good-bye Tiffany. I wish you nothing but happiness. I hope you find it out there.”
“I could have had it with you. I could have made you happier than you even dreamed possible. I saw all your scars, and I still found your past to be beautiful. Good luck finding someone who accepts you the way I did.” She stormed out, slamming the door behind her.
I looked around the room, feeling her absence and knowing if I could make it through tonight without using, I’d never use again.