Harry:
It was one of those things that I had in the back of my mind from the moment she told me she was a student at Penn. But, I mean, that’s a huge school, and what were the odds that she would actually know Brit? I tried to quell my fear when reality struck—how many girls were named Brit, with purple hair and described as “take some getting used to?” If I had to bet money, I’d wager everything I had that Tiffany’s Brit was none other than Brittany Wakefield.
I was never romantically involved with Brit. Nothing of the sort. Despite the hints that she had a little crush on me, she was hopelessly in love with her boyfriend, Erik. And truth be told, she wasn’t my type. We were just friends. Key word being were. She had a front row seat to my own self destruction. She knew too much. And there was no way to change that.
I couldn’t concentrate in class, and I’d burnt my soufflé. Driving home, I ran a red light, nearly colliding with a Subaru. I was in bed before I realized I had skipped dinner. I couldn’t stop thinking about Sunday night, and that’s when I knew I had been kidding myself. The past month had been my best month in a long time. Tiff lit up my whole world. I looked forward to her texts, and we had already fallen into a routine. A pattern of days that we spent together, and the days without her seemed to drag on. It was useless trying to sleep. My thoughts were poking at my brain, so I surrendered and got up, laced up a pair of sneakers and went for a run. It was almost two in the morning and the streets were empty except for the occasional car driving by. I tried to drive my body to the point of exhaustion. I wanted to numb the parts of my mind that haunted me, but no matter how hard I tried all I could see was Tiffany’s face. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t falling harder for her. What was not to fall for? And every day I struggled with the thought of breaking my one hard rule and asking her if she’d be willing to try that kiss one more time.
But those moments of fantasy and hope ended today. I could never be with Tiffany. Not the way I wanted to. There were too many ghosts in this town, and I’d never escape them. Part of me wanted to just end everything now, before things got out of hand, but for some reason, I couldn’t. She was different. Special, and simple though it may be, I was enjoying, really enjoying, my time with her. My life had become so robotic, and she was making me feel human again. And this news… this showed me just how human I really was. I slowed down my steps and came to a sudden stop, doubled over feeling the deep pants emanating from my chest as I placed my hands on my knees. Vomit teased at my throat but I pushed it back down. I couldn’t run forever. It was time to face my past. I just prayed if this was the Brit I knew in my heart it was, she would give me the one thing I needed: time.
On Sunday morning, my phone dinged a text. Reaching for it, I squinted as the screen lit up.
Morning! Want me to swing by and pick you up tonight? Happy face emoji. She was addicted to those yellow guys.
Part of me wanted to warn her, tell her my story now before my whole world imploded at an Italian restaurant like some bad eighties movie. But I had a plan, and that plan wasn’t too far into the future to not be carried out. If I could get through tonight unscathed, then I’d reveal things to her my way. On my terms. Despite what I had done, Brit and Erik didn’t have any right to pollute her brain with stories. Well, I guess if it’s the truth it’s not really stories, but still. They’d undoubtedly make it far worse than it actually was. I mean, Erik Draxton had nearly broken my jaw the last time I saw him. I raised a hand to my jaw, rubbing the area where he had punched me. It was a long time ago, but shit, it had gone down… that one horrific night that I’d do anything to take back.
Realistically, if tonight got ugly, Tiff might very well need to be able to drive home without having to drop me off.
I have to pick up some ingredients for school. I’ll meet you there.
My phone dinged a response.
K.
One letter. That was all she typed back, and knowing she was probably worried I wouldn’t show tonight, I sucked it up and sent her a happy face emoji. See you tonight.
Stretching out on my bed, I took a breath and thought for the millionth time what would have happened had I just kissed her back that night.