Chapter Fifty-six

Did I owe him somehow? Or wasn’t it like that? He’d trusted me because he knew I wouldn’t tell anyone, he knew I wouldn’t judge him.

It occurred to me sitting beside him—feeling pain for him—that I knew he would never tell anyone anything I shared with him. He would never judge me. I heaved a sigh and dropped my hand, my stomach twisting as I fought with myself. “Nick,” her name just fell out of my lips before I could even think about it.

Tom’s body tensed with alertness. “Nick?”

I nodded, my eyes on his stomach rather than his face. Blood rushed in my ears and I clutched the sheets to stop my fingers from trembling. “She was my best friend. We grew up together and when my family died, she was all I had left. There was no one else.”

I swallowed hard on the memories. “I was a mess after . . . wild. I dragged Nick to parties we were too young to be at, did things we were too young to do. It was a little over a year after . . . and there was this kegger down at the river. I was on this path of picking guys off, some to just make-out with or if I was drunk enough, then other stuff, and Nick was trying to get up the confidence to ask Michael Roggers out.” I huffed humorlessly. “Mike used to drive me crazy. He was always bugging me, but after . . . well, other than Nick he was the only person I sat down and talked to about everything. He was really a good kid. And I liked him,” I confessed softly. “I really liked him. But Nick had had a crush on him forever, and I was no longer the girl he used to have a crush on. She didn’t want to go that night. But I convinced her that Mike would be there and I forced her to come along.

It was about halfway through the party and I thought Nick was off talking to Mike while I was flirting with the captain of the football team, but Mike was suddenly there with me, asking to speak with me. We walked off for some privacy and he started to say all these things. How I was better than what I was doing with all those guys. How my parents would be so upset if they could see me like that.” I took a shuddering breath on that confession. “And he told me that he cared about me. That he thought he could really love me. I didn’t think. I just let him kiss me, and before I knew it we were getting pretty hot and heavy. He stopped before it went too far and told me I didn’t have to sleep with him to keep his interest. That he wanted me to be his girlfriend. And I told him that I couldn’t be, that Nick was crazy about him, and I couldn’t do that to her. We talked in circles for a little while until I decided I needed to get drunk or something to get away from all the teen drama, but when I went out into the main party one of

Nick’s friends told me I was a backstabbing slut. And I realized that Nick had found out about my make-out with Mike.”

I closed my eyes, seeing the image of her standing by the rope swing, the hatred in her eyes so intense. “I found her further down the river, drunk off her ass. She was trying to get onto this old rope swing that swung you out into the water, but it was frayed and unused and the current that night was bad. I begged her to come back to the party and talk to me, but she just kept shouting that I was a traitor and a whore.” I looked up at Tom now to find his sad eyes on me. “She swung out on the rope before I could stop her and it snapped. She screamed for my help as the current took her and I didn’t think—I just shot into the water after her. But Mike had been behind us and he came in after me and was a far stronger swimmer. Rather than let me get to her, he tugged me back to the rocks. Nick’s body washed up down the river. She was gone. And I never spoke to Mike again.”

“Baby,” Tom murmured, reaching for me but I held my hand up to warn him off, shaking my head, my eyes furious.

“I killed her, Tom. I don’t deserve sympathy.”

He looked shocked now. “Whatson, you did not kill her. It was a tragic accident.”

“It was a series of events caused by my actions. I’m to blame.” He opened his mouth to talk and I placed a gentle hand over his lips. “I know it’s not rational. I do know that. But I don’t know if I’ll ever get to a point where I don’t blame myself. However, I’m trying to live with it. Telling you is huge. Believe me.”

Tom hauled me across the bed and into his arms, his hand at the nape of my neck. “Thank you for trusting me.”

I cupped his cheek in my hand and sighed wearily. “I think we need to have sex now.”

His brows drew together. “Why?”

“To remind us of what we’re doing here,” I replied, my tone meaningful.

Tom’s eyes narrowed. “No,” he told me gruffly, squeezing my nape. “I’d have sex with you for anything else but that.”

Surprised, I found for once I had no reply, and Tom didn’t wait on one. He pressed a hard kiss to my mouth and then slid down the bed, pulling me with him. He tucked me into his side and leaned over to switch off the light. “Go to sleep, babe.”

Shell-shocked at the night’s events, I lay there listening to him breathe before exhaustion finally claimed me.

* * *

“How do you feel now that you’ve told Tom about Nick?”

My gaze slid from the post-graduate degree framed on Dr. Pritchard’s wall to her face. “I feel scared, but relieved at the same time.”

“Scared because you told someone other than me?”

“Yes.”

“And relieved . . . ?”

I shifted in my seat. “I’m perfectly aware that I keep things from people and I know that it isn’t brave, but it’s how I handle things. When I told Tom, the world didn’t end. I felt brave for once. And that was kind of a relief.”