Chapter Fifty-two
Dr. Pritchard took a sip of water and then cocked her head at me once I stopped talking. “Has it occurred to you that you may be developing deeper feelings for Tom?”
I sighed heavily. “Of course it has. I’m not stupid.”
“And yet, you’re determined to stay in this arrangement with him knowing and championing its end?”
My smile was definitely without humor. “Okay . . . maybe I’m a little stupid.”
* * *
I know I’m hardheaded. I get that about myself. I know I have issues a mile long, and I know those issues aren’t going away any time soon. But living these last few months on Dublin Street, with a little help from the good doctor, I was able to see myself in a different light. I had been convinced I had no real attachments in this life because that’s the way I wanted it.
Slowly, but surely, I was coming to terms with the fact that James and James were an attachment, and Emelie was definitely an attachment. I might not want to care about them, but I did. And with caring comes all kinds of crappy stuff . . . like remorse.
I apologized to Emelie for snapping at her. She, of course, accepted it graciously.
But all day, I was plagued by guilt and I kept seeing Tom’s face flash before my eyes. That guilt brought back some bad shit, and I found myself locked in the bathroom, seeing myself through a pretty awful panic attack.
You see, I’d realized something. Something terrifying.
It might just be sex with Tom, but that didn’t mean I hadn’t formed an attachment to him.
I might not want to care about him, but I did.
That’s why, as I was leaving for work, I sent him a text that said something I had never said to a guy before.
*I’m sorry x*
You have no idea how fast my pulse was racing after I added the kiss.
One little kiss and my hands were shaking.
* * *
Craig and Jo were not happy with me that night. I messed up a couple of orders, spilled half a bottle of Jack and knocked over the tips jar into the spillage getting a couple of notes wet. When I checked my phone on break and still hadn’t received a text back from Tom, I gave myself a good talking to.
I could not turn into an inept idiot because some guy hadn’t accepted my apology. I had shown some real growth sending that text, I nodded angrily to myself, and if he couldn’t see that, then fine! To hell with him. I was Joss Butler. I took no shit from no man.
I returned to work feeling defiant and determined, and I managed to do my job without any more incidents. I explained away my clumsiness, telling the guys I’d had a migraine but was feeling much better. They swallowed that since I started joking around with them like normal, doing what I had always been good at, and shoving my feelings down under the steel trapdoor inside of me.
Holding onto this was key, because one slip, one crack and that door would come flying open again and I just . . . well, I just couldn’t handle that.
We finished up the night and Jo and Craig kindly offered to let me go early since I ‘hadn’t been feeling well’. I wasn’t going to argue. I grabbed my stuff and said goodbye to Brian at the door and headed up the steps onto George Street.
“Whatson.”
I spun around and found Tom standing on the sidewalk by the club. My stomach was back to churning again. We stared at each other silently for a minute until I found my voice. “You were waiting on me?”
He smiled a little as he approached. “Thought I could walk you home?”
Relief I wasn’t willing to admit to for too long poured over me, and I grinned up at him. “Does that walk happen to conclude with us naked in my bed together?”
His laughter was low, rough, and it floored me like always. “That’s what I had in mind, yes.”
I took a deep breath. “I’m forgiven for being a bitch then?”
“Babe.” Tom reached out to stroke my cheek, clearly forgiving me.
I tugged on his jacket, pulling him closer. “I think you should show me who’s boss anyway.”
His arms wrapped around my waist and I found myself snuggled up against him. “I thought you told me I was to stop bossing you around.”
“Well there are special circumstances where I’d allow it.” “Oh? What would those be?”
“Any that results in me coming.”
He grinned, squeezing me closer. “Why do you have to make everything sound so dirty?”
I laughed, remembering those were the words he’d used the day he’d walked in on me naked. God, it felt like a lifetime ago.