45- I´m so gratefull with my ex

"Well, Eron. I'm going to explain the cycle of life to you…" Chad slides an arm over my eyes. What the hell. "You know when a woman and a man love each other? Things happen, and then a little seed expands and…"

"I know," I interrupt. "I may seem like it, but I'm not that stupid."

I wasn't expecting to make anyone laugh. However, everyone laughs, and Chad ruffles my hair as if I were still a teenager and not a stunted and stupid attempt at an adult.

"She was four months pregnant, almost five, when what happened with Faven happened," Liry takes pity on me and tells me the important story behind the matter. "As you may have noticed, her existence was always a mystery. It took even me a while to find out I was pregnant. This little one didn't want to be seen."

She moves the baby away from her breast, and, after covering herself, she lifts her to start burping her.

"I found out I was pregnant a month after the funeral," she informs me. "I called you, but you didn't answer the call."

I don't feel any resentment from her part, but it doesn't feel good to hear this.

"I don't blame you, anyway. I just wanted you to know about this new gift," she says as she continues patting the baby. "Her name is Raven. That name represents mystery, just like her existence. It means healing, just like she was for me after the loss of my little brother. It means transformation, because just by knowing she was coming, she transformed us into parents, uncles, and grandparents." She smiles.

"Us?" I murmur. I still haven't processed the existence of the baby.

"Raven is your niece and your gift of life too," she turns her and hands her to me wrapped in blankets. "Don't you want to hold her for a moment and see for yourself?"

My chest trembles a little. Raven, who has a name so similar to that of her biological uncle, is a very beautiful baby girl. She is so… small. If my calculations are correct, she must be one or two days old. The delicacy of her figure disarms and reassembles me ten thousand times. Faven would have been overjoyed to see her… Not literally. He always wanted to be an uncle or a father. Whichever came first. The sad thing is that he didn't have the opportunity for either.

I am a dullard who can't even take care of himself. I don't see myself capable of bringing a child into the world to suffer because of my inexperience, but… holding Raven in my arms feels a little strange. I expected to feel bad, but I feel… alive. I am feeling the warmth of her existence and I can begin to understand a little of what Liry said a couple of minutes ago.

"She looks a lot like you, Liry," I whisper. "She is beautiful."

She also has similar features to Faven. It's logical because she is a Hope and they have very strong genes. It can barely be seen that she is a redhead, and her face is a bit swollen. She looks at me with wide open eyes, and it's comforting not to feel judged by those big eyeballs.

"I think she likes you," Dakota remarks. Her smile oozes tenderness. "Isn't she adorable?"

I smile a little. Just a little. I don't remember the last time I really wanted to smile out of pure happiness. I don't understand how, but the meaning of transformation resonates deeply within me.

"Today we will take that sweetness to meet her uncle," Liry adds. "Will you join us?"

Now I understand that if I want the image of her uncle to remain intact, I must fight to clean it up. I wasn't 100% on board with Dakota until I started living this. I understand now that… it's completely worth it. This girl doesn't deserve to grow up believing just anything about her beloved family member.

Of course, she doesn't deserve it. So I must stop being an idiot and face what I have to face.

I know that experiences and time reveal new facets of ourselves, but I am sure of my sexual orientation, and I highly doubt it will change over time. I also write, I've discovered that I really enjoy writing - I said after a deep sigh.

You write? - The doctor penetrated me with her unsettling and incisive eyes, filled with wisdom.

Yes, it's something I usually do when I want to calm down… - I added, making a dismissive gesture with my hand - I write.

That could serve as therapy for you. As I was saying, whether you're with your friends, or in surgery with an animal. At some point, you'll think of Paola, and when that happens, I want you to be happy, very happy - The doctor looked at me intently, as if she expected me to interrupt her at some point.

I think about her every day - I confessed, embarrassed - Many times… when I do things or when I'm very happy, I also think of her.

Give me an example - She asked me.

I sighed resignedly.

Ummm, for example… last week, a badly injured puppy came to me because of a porcupine. The surgery took two hours, and I removed around 200 quills. I was really worried that the quills had penetrated some internal tissue. I had to act quickly, and the animal was in no condition to be moved and have an X-ray taken. So, I operated without a previous X-ray, it was a blind surgery. It was a challenge to remove all those quills. Phew! My assistant, Mia, helped me. While we were stitching up his eyelid, she held the tweezers to prevent bleeding. When the surgery was over, the puppy was out of danger, and I was very happy with the result. I imagined Paola's face, her smile, her words, I don't know… what she would have said. I was happy, and I thought of her.

I see… Did you share what happened with Melisa afterward?

Yes, I stayed at her house that night.

And did you feel happy sharing it with her?

Yes, of course - I pondered - Mel always listens to me… she's very sweet