“Bye Nan, love you!” I hugged her tightly, I rarely get to see her so saying goodbye has always been painful.
She patted my back and called George to help drive me off to the nearest train station. Mom and Dad should be home by now. Tomorrow, my university life strikes a beginning. New friends, new environment and new experiences to go through. Normal people would be nervous for that beginning but I have other matters to worry about than things like making friends and getting judged.
Jumping into the pickup truck, George started the engine and pulled out of the driveway. I stuck my hand out the window and waved, watching Nana wave back from the side-view mirror.
I made a quick list of the things I need to prepare for tomorrow in my phone. A bag, files, notebooks; basic stationaries. After typing down the list, I locked my phone and put it away.
“So, starting university life soon?” George asked me, both eyes still on the road.
“Yeah,” I mumbled in a small voice. My eyes drifted towards the blurred landscape outside the window as we drove past them.
“You don’t seem too happy? Not excited?” George pried further. I looked back at him, giving him a brief smile before turning my head to the window again. “I am excited. I’m just tired and a lot’s been happening lately is all.” Such as one of my best friends turned out to be a sick psycho, the guy I loved has been brainwashed into hating me by that very same best friend, and another good friend turned out to be a spy.
I wasn’t exactly in the mood to make jokes or do small talk or laugh over anything.
George hummed in understanding and reached out to turn on the radio to fill up the silence. I continued to zone out for the rest of the trip until we reached the train station and I switched transportations to continue my journey home.
I tried to keep myself awake during the whole road trip but it was getting hard. My body felt worn out after days of training with Mr. Huang. Unfortunately, I still wasn’t sure that what I’ve learnt is enough. I wasn’t confident that what I’ve learnt can actually save my life in the ring. I don’t need to win the competition, I just need to survive it, beat that psycho and quit the street fighting life forever.
The problems I have were enough to keep me occupied for a while, taking away any which takes away the reasons to street fight. I can just pick off any of Dom's followers to beat whenever I feel like punching someone. If I was to be honest with myself, I was exhausted with all these dramas and conflicts. I wish that one day, it’ll all go away without me needing to face them. But, of course, that almost never happens. I needed to face it.
I reached my house by nighttime after making a stop at the stationery store to do a quick last minute shopping. Mom and Dad greeted me with a quick hug and we had dinner, although I didn’t linger around for long. I excused myself to rest early so that I would be able to focus tomorrow. I didn't want to miss anything from the first few weeks of my course. It would be a disaster for the rest of my studies if I fail to understand the basic foundations. I have enough distractions to last me my 3 years of higher education. So I’ll have to try my best to separate my personal life with my studies. 'Personal life' as in all the problems that seemed to be piling up every second I’m not paying attention to it.
Who knew high school drama would follow me into university too. This is fucked up. What happened to that ‘new start’ everyone’s been talking about when they step into university?
Less than a year ago, I was doing fine, had fantastic friends, met a wonderful guy and was able to top my studies. I was on top of the world and, all of a sudden, it came crashing down on me. And all of this happened because of the decision I made to street fight illegally. Why couldn’t I join a gym or something like that. I’m an idiot. I could’ve worked part time to continue helping out that orphanage anyways. I had plenty of money I could donate. But no, of course little ol’ Casey thought it was a super great idea to jump into the street fighting business. Dumb ass.
I’m at that ‘regretting everything I’ve done’ phase and I envy those people who only has to worry about “I should’ve bought those other pair of shoes,” or “I should’ve bought that ice cream instead.”
I guess a part of the series of events that led to this situation I was stuck in was out of my control; such as Bryant’s decision, Dom’s sanity escaping him, Adam’s mother falling sick. But if only I didn’t acquaint myself with Adam, he wouldn’t be caught up in this circle too. The very least I could’ve done was leave Adam out of it. I should’ve had a stronger resolve to keep Adam out of this loop. I let myself fall in love and this is what came out of it.
I couldn’t imagine a life where I haven't befriended Adam but it would’ve been better for him if he never laid eyes on me. Curse his curiosity and foolishness. What stupid guy would gets involved with that quiet girl at the back of the class, who gave people death stares if they even so much as look her way?
I was angry at myself and I was angry at people, at everyone. I didn't know what to do. I don’t even know if I could still visit his family when he’s stuck with the idea that I killed Carla. I didn't even know how he came to that conclusion.
After I retired to my room and changed, my phone rang. Preston’s name flashed on the screen and I immediately answered, scared that there’s something wrong with Adam. He might’ve turn psychotic but the guy I fell in love with was still in there somewhere and I needed to make sure nothing happens to him until he comes back to me.
“What’s wrong?” I asked. Preston sighed, probably annoyed that I’ve never greeted him like a normal person would. Psh, he should’ve known that I was pretty far from normal.
“That blow that you landed on my little bro’s head might’ve been harder than you thought,” Preston said in a flat tone. I could feel my heart drop to the pit of my stomach and whispered a ‘what’ through the line.
“What do you mean?” I asked into the phone. My hand had gone lax from the anxiety that gripped me and I had to hold onto the phone with both of my hands to make sure it didn’t slip to the ground.
“Oh calm your tits, woman. I didn’t mean it that way. Breathe, Adam’s fine. He’s just been having flashbacks. It’s like you hit his memory box open and now he’s remembering bits.”
That made my heart skip a beat and I reminded myself silently to chill for a second. I need to calm down.
“I think he remembered going to a warehouse and a meadow. Jake called me yesterday to tell me that Adam rang him and asked whether Jake knew who he went to those places with. Were you with him, Case?” I bit my lip, trying to suppress my conflicting feelings. My brain’s telling me to just get this shit over with and tell Adam the whole truth but my heart’s being torn. I’ve inflicted enough pain in his life. I can't drag him into this anymore.
I’m trying to distance myself and give him a chance to slip away. Maybe after the universe sees that he’s not someone they can hurt me with, all of this would unhook its claws from his life. Maybe they’ll leave him alone then.
I know he’s already gotten tangled up in this mess. But I was hoping that he’d be smart enough to dig his way out of this and live his life like how he did before I came along. Maybe he'd be able to find a decent girl that doesn’t carry all this baggage with her. Enough is enough.
“Maybe it’s time to lay it all out on the table, Case. Aren’t you tired of making all these excuses, of lying, and hiding?” And just like that, my argument turned into dust. Yes, I am tired. I am beyond exhausted. I just want to continue with my life and live the dream.
“Don’t you still love my brother?” Of course I do. How do I even stop?
“I have to go Pres. Thanks for keeping me updated. Call me if anything else comes up.” I said in a clipped tone and hung up.
I couldn’t hold my emotions in anymore. Right after I hung up, a sob escaped my lips and tears started to make its way down my cheeks. It was too selfish for me to wish that Adam would remember me and appear at my door; to wish he'd demand an explanation on why I had let him believe all these lies; to wish that he'd wrap his arms around me and keep me from falling apart. But despite knowing all this, I still found myself wishing that it’d happen.
I want my Adam back.