Messy

*Her*

The microphone had been shoved in my direction multiple times, but I refused to join. There were no words that existed that I could use to describe how I felt. Let alone what I thought about my dad.

I was able to keep from speaking until the speeches subsided and the food was carried out for everyone to eat.

Sadly, I couldn’t help but watch them as they stood in line for the food. Liz’s fingers lightly played with Micah’s and he looked at her with all the adoration in the world. The smile she sent back was filled with equal passionate emotion.

How I wanted that. With someone. Anyone.

My heart clenched and I grimaced. I wanted to not care. I wanted to be over it. But the sight of them together, like this, brought forward painful memories I thought I had buried away.

Turns out they were just waiting for the right shovel to dig them out.

I looked up, catching Liz’s gaze. She stepped away from Micah like he was burning her and she stepped toward me. I saw the apology on the tip of her tongue, saw the pity in the wideness of her eyes.

I couldn’t take it.

I shook my head and she stopped her advance. When Micah shifted to follow her gaze, I turned and walked away, inhaling deeply to stop the tears from forming in my eyes.

The door that lead to the outside alley slammed behind me and I quickly covered my mouth with my hand, leaning against the brick wall.

I didn’t let myself fall into the despair that my body craved. Not when I had to go back in and look somewhat appreciative of everyone that came to say goodbye to my dad.

The creak of the door had me tensing.

“Liz, I don’t-“

The words on my mouth died when i saw that Liz wasn’t the one who had followed me outside.

“Hey,” Brian’s soft smile had me shrugging.

“I’m sorry, I thought you were- someone else.”

“I figured as much,” He smiled softly, approaching me with his hands in his pocket.

He nudged my arm with his elbow and I breathed a soft laugh from my nose.

“Are you okay?” He took ran his fingers against my skin, softly.

Those words always made my chest ache. They always made me remember. Still, the warmth was comforting and I swayed toward him, goosebumps running down my skin.

“I don’t know. I really don’t want to go back in there.”

He tilted his head, nodding toward the street, “Then let’s get out of here.”

I wanted to say yes. I wanted to take his hand and let him lead me somewhere quiet. But I knew that would mean more for him than it meant for me. And this time, there was no room for me to fall for him. I couldn’t.

I shook my head, “I can’t. I have to stay. It’s my dad’s funeral.”

“You think Rick would have wanted this?”

I shook my head.

“He knows you loved him, and he loved you so much. You don’t have to stay.”

The electric blue of his eyes was bright. It wasn’t comforting, but still I found consolation in the handsomeness of his features. He didn’t hold a candle, though, to the man who held my heart.

Still. After all these years.

“Okay, let me just take care of the payment, I’ll meet you out front?”

He nodded, smiling.

We walked back inside, our arms brushed together as we did, but we didn’t speak. He made his way out of the building while I dragged my feet to reception.

“Hi Miss Aberra, how can I help you?” The man smiled at me as he stood from his seat.

I smiled, as much as I could, “I just need to take care of the payment? I can do it now. Unless if you’d prefer to send me the bill?”

He frowned, clicking though the computer, “I’m sorry Miss Aberra, but it says here that they payment has already been taken care of.”

What? That wasn’t right.

“Does it say who paid it?”

He scrolled for a few seconds, “No, I’m sorry. It was done over the phone. The caller asked to stay anonymous.”

“Thanks,” I whispered, hesitant.

I walked away, trying to figure out who in their right mind would do that. I didn’t know anyone who would. My mind was running, and I silently made my way outside, not realizing Brian stood before me until he spoke.

“You okay?”

I lifted my gaze, “Yeah, umm, apparently someone already paid for the service.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I’m not sure who.”

He wrapped his arm around my waist, “Maybe it was some of the guys from the station.”

I hummed, “Maybe.”

That didn’t explain the anonymous phone call.

I gave him the keys to my car and he drove us back to my apartment. I had a bottle of vodka waiting for me and he said he would join me. Anything to numb myself for a bit.

We rushed inside when we arrived and I dug through my cabinets until I found the shot glasses he had bout me for my 21st birthday. He smiled and we laughed as we threw back a couple of shots each while we stood in the kitchen.

He grimaced as he set down his empty glass, “I think I’m beginning to hate vodka.”

I gasped sarcastically, “Never.”

He smiled down at me and my skin broke out in a wave of goosebumps when I saw the look in his eyes. His fingers traced the skin of my jaw and I closed my eyes.

But I instantly snapped them open when it was Kian’s face that I saw.

I needed to forget him.

I stood on the tips of my toes and crashed my lips to Brian’s. He froze for moment, but responded ferociously. He gripped my waist, pushing me back until I was leaning against the counter.

His tongue and his movements were messy. It made me feel icky but I threw the thought to the depth of my brain. I needed this.

His hands trailed down my back until he grasped the back of my thighs and lifted me onto the counter. He placed himself between my legs and trailed his hands under my shirt until they grazed the bottom of my bra.

“Wait!” I pulled back, and shook my head.

He looked at me with a frown, his eyes in a daze, “What?”

I placed my hands on his shoulders and embarrassingly sighed, “You should know I’m-I’m not looking for a relationship.”

His jaw clenched and he nodded.

“It’s just- I don’t think I feel about you the way you feel about me.”

He grimaced and my heart broke a little for him. He pulled his bottom lip into his mouth and nodded.

“Do you want to do this?” He looked up at me as he asked, his eyes hopeful.

“Just this? Just today?”

He nodded.

“Yes, please help me forget,” I whispered.

He gripped the back of my neck and pulled me into a messy kiss.