THE FIFTEENTH
“Taylor?” I whisper. “Are you awake?” It’s four a.m. and I can’t sleep. Despite doing my best to banish the thoughts over the pictures, I wasn’t able to talk it through with Taylor before heading to bed. A last-minute meeting with a new client had kept him in London until seven and when the client had suggested drinks and dinner, Taylor hadn’t wanted to refuse. I had been vaguely aware of Taylor slipping in beside me at around midnight but, as usual, sleep had overtaken me the moment he’d whispered goodnight in my ear and kissed me gently on my nose.
Taylor mumbles something unintelligible and rolls over so I take that as his answer. I doze fitfully for the next few hours, nightmares that I thought I’d long since banished resurfacing to torment my sleep. I don’t even realise that I’m screaming until Taylor is shaking me awake.
“It’s okay, Abs. I’m here. I’ve got you,” he repeats over and over until I’m finally able to open my eyes and vanquish the demons. Panting, I struggle to get my breath back as the terror recedes.
“Shit, Abs. You haven’t had one of those for a while,” Taylor murmurs as he looks down at me, his face filled with concern.
I shake my head feeling a couple of tears leak from beneath my lids, the ghosts not quite banished yet.
“It’s going to be okay, Abs,” Taylor repeats as he spoons his body around mine, his hands brushing circles over my skin as he tries to physically soothe my fears.
It takes a while but eventually, the horror recedes and I’m able to start breathing normally. In due course, I’m able to turn myself over and when I do Taylor stares at me with confusion in his eyes. “What set that off, Abs? You haven’t had nightmares like that in a long time.”
I try to organise my thoughts into something coherent so that I can explain to Taylor why this has come out of the blue. But I forget that Taylor knows me so well.
“Was it the stuff from yesterday, Abs? With that Sam guy and then the websites?” Taylor asks. “Is that what set you off?”
I shrug my shoulders, the lump in my throat making it impossible to get the words out. Taylor runs a finger down my cheek before planting a soft kiss on my cheek. “It’s okay, you know. Adam called me last night. I’m so sorry I didn’t get home earlier. I wanted to but the clients just kept getting in the drinks.
“It’s okay,” I murmur not wanting to make Taylor feel guilty.
“No, I should’ve been here, Abs,” Taylor says full of unnecessary remorse. “I’m so sorry.”
“Taylor, it’s okay,” I say finally finding my voice. “Really. I didn’t know yesterday would affect me like it did. I guess going online and getting sucked into the stories just brought back a lot of the memories of when I saw those pictures after my… you know. And then knowing that you guys had all been trying to protect me from it, well, it just made me feel like a complete fool. Like, how could I’ve not realised all this was going on? There I was just getting on with things in my little bubble not realising that there was so much more to worry about than your bloody brother.”
“But that was the whole point, Abs,” Taylor retorts softly. “You have had to deal with so much shit already, I just wanted to protect you from the stuff you had no control over.”
Running my hand over Taylor’s cheek I revel in the softness of his skin, the prickle of his five o’clock shadow and the taut plane of his jaw. “I think it was just the shock of finding out that all this time I was being followed, it wasn’t just to protect me from Richard, but from pretty much the rest of the world as well.”
“Abs, I wish I could protect you from every awful thing in this world.” I know Taylor is serious but I just want him to understand that keeping things from me makes it ten times worse when I find out. More so than if I had actually known what was going on from the beginning.
“Tay, we’ve been over this so many times before. I’m not breakable. Keeping me in the dark about stuff means that it’s so much worse when I find out. If I knew that this stuff was being written about me, then I could have been prepared.” I take a deep breath.
“And what would you have done, Abs?” Taylor responds with curiosity, genuinely interested in what I might say.
“Well, I might have gone out with makeup on for a start if I knew those bloodsuckers would be out tracking my every move. I wouldn’t have joked about shovelling a whole cake in my mouth. I would’ve made damn sure that I was putting my best foot forward as it were so that those scumbags wouldn’t have anything shitty to write about me.”
“But what kind of life would that be, Abs? Always feeling like you are being watched, having to think about everything you say and do when you step out of the house. I don’t want you to have to live like that,” Taylor says earnestly.
“Celebrities do it all the time,” I retort.
“But at what price?” Taylor contests. “Abs, I’m sorry. I thought I was doing the right thing. If it makes you feel any better, they rarely got pictures of you.”
“I know, Tay. I’ve seen the pictures. But that’s the thing, it’s not just the pictures, it’s the crap that they wrote to go with the photos. I guess when you’re feeling dreadful about yourself, this kind of poison can get in and mess with your head.” I squeeze my hands into fists. “I thought I’d dealt with the memories from the last time I went through this, but last night they came flooding back, along with the fear and the hopelessness. I don’t want to go back to that, Taylor. I can’t!”
“Abs, you are one of the strongest people I know. If you want me to make an appointment with David, I’ll get you one straight away. But please don’t let this stuff get to you. Why did you say you are feeling shit about yourself anyway?” Taylor asks me.
“I don’t know. I guess I’ve just been feeling like a great big, fat heffalump and then when I saw that picture with the story about how I’m endangering my child’s health, well it made me think. Have I been eating right? Have I been taking the best care of her? I drink coffee, I eat all sorts, maybe I am being reckless with Bean’s life. All this stress can’t be good for Bean either…” I trail off.
“Abby, don’t doubt yourself. You have taken the best care possible of Bean. I know that and deep down you know that too. And as for feeling fat, Abs, you are growing a baby. Your body has changed but it’s not permanent, and besides I think you are truly the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”
I smack Taylor on the arm, “Taylor, you don’t have to say those things.”
“I wouldn’t say anything that wasn’t true, Abs. Life is a journey. Every line, every mark, every scar,” Taylor says picking up my wrist and gently rubbing his thumb across the thin scar tissue that is slowly fading to a silvery pink colour. “They are a sign that you have truly lived your life. They are proof of the journey you’ve taken and the person you’ve become because of that journey.”