Chapter 45

The boys already got comfy on the couch with their video games. I giggled a little bit but I knew that he was telling the truth. I slowly made my way out of my room and sighed. I looked down the hall that was secure in the ICU wing. My slow steps made it easier to ground myself. I passed by rooms of people getting better, their souls healing. I had to block it all out because that wasn’t me. I don’t think it will ever be me. As I continued down the halls of this depressing place, my thoughts ran wild and took over all of my senses. I found myself stopped at a little bay window. It was a padded pod that looked so comfortable. These pods were made for kids who couldn’t leave the hospital or couldn’t have contact with others so they can still experience the outside without the possibility of contamination. This pod was lined with glass on either side of it. This is for safety reasons so doctors could easily see if they needed help. The walls were lined with purple cushions. They all had a big fluffy blanket and matching pillows. It was like you were in a tube because it overhang the hospital a bit. The glass was clear as day so it truly felt like you were outside. They had curtains on the window though to control nap time. They lastly came equipped with controls that made it feel like the weather outside. So in basic terms, it has controlled AC and heat but you can control what temperature you want it. Well, and of course, a nurse’s call button because we are in a hospital. I made my way over to the pod and carefully opened the door and crawled in. The door had a tiny opening so that the door could close fully without removing IVs and wires. The pod was a big cloud. It felt so nice to be cuddled in the small place and have some quiet time. I stared outside at the fall leaves falling from the trees. I wonder if I will make it to Christmas. Dr. Paige told me I should think like that but how could I not. I’m deteriorating right in front of everyone. My heart could never beat fast enough. My lungs could never get enough oxygen in. My brain can’t get enough sleep. My stomach can’t keep food. My bones are weak. How am I supposed to look past all of these flaws? My chest hurt with anxiety and my eyes stung with tears. I felt my body collapse onto itself. I wrapped the blanket tighter around me, trying to calm myself down. I felt empty. Staring off into space, I didn’t notice the sun setting or the hours that passed by. I was broken out of my thoughts by a small knock on the glass door. I slowly turned my weak muscles to see Ethan crouching down.

“Can I come in?” He mouthed through the glass. I slowly nodded and opened the door. These pods were small for isolation so Ethan and I had to be on top of each other to fit. He crawled in and made himself comfortable before snuggling me into his chest. He was laying on his back with his arm wrapped around me. I was snuggled into his chest and had my arms wrapped around his torso. He kissed my head and held me a little tighter. It’s like Ethan knew I needed him. “Hey Baby, How are you doing?” He was looking down at me, I felt his eyes burning into my head. I looked up and tears immediately filled my eyes.

“How much longer?” This question was a loaded question. The answer could mean so many things yet nothing at all. His eyes were also filled with tears. His hand guided my head back to his chest and just held it there. I just snuggled into him even more even though I was as close as I could get. I felt him take a deep breath and let it go. He just kissed my head and squeezed me harder. Somehow no answer is what I needed. He wasn’t making me do anything. I finally had control of something. The choice of life or death was up to me. A ghost of a smile fell upon my lips. I can finally have peace of mind. Somehow his silence made me realize that living was up to me, not cancer. Cancer can do whatever it wants to me but I decide if I want to fight or succumb to the illness. This unknown strength seemed to run through me and gave me peace beyond anything anyone has experienced.

“I love you, Sweetheart, I would never hold you back from anything. Not even…” Ethan didn’t have the heart to finish the sentence but the word was well known. I looked back up at him slowly to find him looking at me.

“I will kick cancers’ ass.”

I felt the ice in the room melt and felt Ethan loosen up. I snuggled my head back into his chest and snuggled my body into the blanket. Ethan and I just laid there, watching the sky turn dark blue. My eyes soon fluttered closed. My body was basked in warmth and love. With one last “I love you,” I was whisked away into a peaceful sleep.

I will beat cancers’ ass.