Chapter 39

“Are you alright Bri?” I opened my mouth to speak but the pain was too much to even get words out. I opted to shake my head which made it even worse. I hissed in pain and held my head. I heard him mumble something to someone but I was too focused on the pain to even understand what he was saying. He started to rub his warm hands on my head and down my back. This helped soothe the pain just a tiny bit. “Don’t worry Bri, John went to go get the doctor.” I gave him a thumbs-up, knowing what would happen if I nodded my head. A very long painful minute passed before the familiar face of Doctor Skies entered my line of sight.

“Hello Bri, how are you feeling?” I looked up at him a tiny bit and gave him a thumbs down. He looked confused before I pointed to my head. “Is your head hurting?” I quickly gave him a double thumbs-up before returning my hands back to my head. “Well let’s fix that.” He left the room for only a short moment before walking back in with pain medicine. He quickly walked over to my IV and injected the cool liquid at the sight of my discomfort. Almost immediately I felt my body relax. The pain slowly started to go away and the relief felt so sweet. I was finally able to look and see who was in my room. Elli, Grayson, Ethan, and Brandon all stood around me, looking worried.

“Don’t look at me like that guys.” I played with my fingers as my thoughts from earlier circled my brain.

“Look at you like what?” Elli said while scratching the back of his neck, looking confused.

“Don’t worry about me. It makes me feel bad. Use your energy on something more important.” All of the guys looked appalled at the sentence that just left my mouth. I forgot Doctor Skies was still in my room until I heard him clear his throat.

“Woah Bri, slow down. Where did that come from? Do you want me to call Paige for you?”

“Forget it, never mind. I never said anything.” I looked away from them and out the window. I heard Doctor Skies leave the room.

“No Bri, you don’t get to just stop talking after you let out a bomb like that,” Brandon said while coming closer to me.

“Stop it. I don’t want to talk. It should have never come out from my thoughts.”

“So you think that you don’t deserve our worry?” Grayson butted in.

“No, I don’t. I don’t think I deserve anything that you guys give me, even love.” They all looked hurt for some reason.

“Why would you ever say that?” Ethan asked me while turning me towards him.

“Why would you invest so much into a person that is going to die soon. I’m not worth it. I’m not worth anything. You guys are better off just disconnecting from me now so it doesn’t hurt as bad when I die.” All of the guys gasped at my statement. I don’t know why. They all know I'm going to die. I shouldn’t matter that much to them. I’m just a burden.

“I’m calling Dad and the others and we are all having a talk,” Brandon said sharply while leaving the room.

“No, don’t even bother. I’m not talking anymore. Just drop it.” Brandon turned around at my sentence.

“No Bri, you don’t get to decide if you’re talking or not. Not after the shit that just came out of your mouth. I can’t believe that's what you think. We are all hurt by your words. Of course, we are worried about you. Gosh, you came into our lives and became our lives.” He paused because he was getting emotional. “I’m calling Dad and we are all having a talk. No, if’s, an’s, or but’s.” He left the room at a fast pace. I felt wetness on my shoulder. I turned my head to see Ethan crying.

“Ethan-” He cut me off by standing up quickly and walking out of the room. My eyes widened and I just stared at the door.

“I’m going to get a coffee. I have a feeling it will be a long day.” Grayson murmured. Elli stood up with him and left without a single word. I just continued to stare at the door. Tears came to my eyes as my thoughts invaded my head again. Why did I have to say anything? If I kept my mouth shut, this would have never happened. They probably all hate me now. Is that better or worse? What if I die alone now? Is this what I wanted? I want freedom but I also want peace. Sometimes you can’t have both. I closed my eyes and leaned back on my bed. A few tears escaped my closed eyes. I held the blanket up to my face and breathed in. It smelled like home. It made me feel both better and worse. It was familiar but I’m at risk of losing them all. I sat in my depressing thoughts for a while before the door to my hospital room swung open. In came a pissed-looking Dad. He stomped over to my bed. My heart started to race as we had a staring contest. My hands started to shake as time went on. I gripped the comforter for some comfort. We stared for a bit longer before he grabbed a chair and sat next to me. He sat down and grabbed my hands.

“Sit up for me.” I quickly grabbed the bed remote and switched it to a more sitting-up position. As soon as I let go of the remote, he grabbed my hands again. “Explain.” That was all he said. I took a shaky breath.

“W-W-What are you t-t-talking about?” I tried to keep my cool but I was failing.

“You know what I’m talking about.” His voice was hard. He had never talked to me like this before. I knew I couldn't lie because they told him everything, I’m sure. As soon as I opened my mouth, word vomit came out.

“All I said is that they shouldn’t worry about me because I don’t deserve it. I said I wasn’t worth anything and didn’t deserve anything that you guys have done for me. I also said that they should try and disconnect from me now because I will die soon and it would hurt less.” I looked down as I recited these lines from my thoughts.

“Why?” I just looked at him. He still held a hard face but his eyes softened a little bit at my nervous face.

“Because it’s true. I don’t think I deserve anything. I probably will die soon. I’m so weak and you know that. I don’t even understand why you guys care so much. I’m nothing but a burden on you guys. I came into your life and caused hell. First, it was my past and how broken I am and then it was “The Snake” and then I got sick and caused so much pain. It just follows me. I’m sorry you have to deal with me.” I felt my hands get squeezed in a mighty grip.

“Don’t you dare ever think those thoughts again. You are the best thing that has happened to all of us. We love you for you. We love broken you and funny you and sick you and happy you. We love you. You deserve the world and I’m sorry that you don’t think you do. You’re so amazing and deserve more than what you were given. I’m sorry about your past and your future. I swear if the words “I’m going to die soon” ever come out of your mouth again, I will kill you with kindness. You’re not going to die. You just need to stick in there and fight. I know you can. You’re so strong, even stronger than you think. I wish I was able to save you sooner. I’m sorry that you ever had these thoughts. Tell me if we are doing something wrong, please. I will fix it. I-” I cut him off before he could continue.