Chapter 6 — I Can’t Do It

When night fell, so did my heart. Kier left to get the kids ready, telling me that I had to stay put. I didn’t have anywhere else to go, so I didn’t bother arguing with him. Sometime during the day, my fear had vanished. I knew that he could hurt me, but I didn’t worry about that so much. I supposed some part of me, perhaps a stupid part, believed that he wouldn’t hurt me. If and when he proved that wrong, I would suffer for this belief.

I hugged my bag to my chest as tears threatened. They didn’t fall, thankfully. I had to look okay if I wanted Kier to let me go. He had to believe that I would do as he said, even though I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.

Periodically throughout the day, I had tried to convince him to just let me go again, to see how resolved he felt. Very, as it turned out. He refused to even acknowledge that I’d said anything during those minutes. I felt trapped. In a cage, with a heavy weight around my throat.

I listened to kids talking upstairs, and the sound of them playing. I wondered who raised them, since Kier seemed to be doing most of the work. Nightmare society had always been hidden from us humans, but it couldn’t have been that different from ours. Maybe if the guardian of those kids didn’t have much money, they worked all the time.

The door upstairs opened again, and my stomach fell through the floor. My arms tightened around my bag as images flashed through my brain. All of them screamed at me, wordless sounds of terror. I wanted to listen to those screams but Kier started to stomp down the stairs.

He’d be able to catch me before I could go through the window, and I didn’t think getting past him would be possible. He’d swipe me off the ground with one move of that massive arm, and then I’d be done. He’d realize that he had made a mistake in trying to show mercy to a human. Especially one like me, that didn’t bother trying to listen to him.

And if I ran outside and one of his neighbors saw me? I’d be done for, yet again. I hadn’t forgotten the things that he had said to me. About how if anyone else found me, I’d be dead. They wouldn’t have seen me as worthy of being saved. Those words circled around my head. You are nothing and no one.

Nothing.

No one.

If I ran out of this house, they wouldn’t see a scared teenager trying to flee a bad home environment. They would only see a human walking around when she should have been tucked away in bed. They would see someone who wouldn’t listen to their rules, and who needed to be disciplined.

They would hurt me.

A strange calm came over me. It infused my entire being as I rose up to my feet. “Are we ready?” I asked Kier.

“Almost,” he growled, barely glancing at me. His eyes went to one of the high up windows. I saw four pairs of legs wander by and knew that he waited to see if his siblings left. He couldn’t trust me with them, though I felt like the older ones would be able to defend themselves from me.

I hadn’t seen them since waking up, but I had the foggiest recollection of one teenager and one older looking girl. If any rumors about Nightmares turned out to be true, then they would be able to defend themselves against me easily.

Kier waited a few minutes after the kids had walked off, and then he nodded. “All right, let’s head upstairs.” He turned and started making his way up.

That calm part of my brain pictured hitting him. Lifting a paint can or something equally heavy and nailing him in the back of the head. His skull might crack, but when it came to survival, could anyone blame me for hurting him? He’d fall down the stairs and lay there in a heap.

Or he would turn around, wrap that big hand around my throat and squeeze. My air would get cut off and he would kill me. Justifiably, because if my survival meant I could hurt him, the reverse would be true as well. He would’ve earned the right to hurt me, as punishment or something.

My fingers touched my throat and I breathed out. I let all the tension run out of my body and started to move forward again.

The stairs creaked underneath my shoes, and I couldn’t fathom why I noticed something like that. Maybe because they looked so much like the stairs to my basement. Old, wooden, with splinters here and there, making it dangerous to walk around in bare feet.

We got to the top of the stairs, and I looked around. Everything seemed so… normal. He led me up into a kitchen that looked… painfully normal. Breakfast dishes sat in the sink, some of them rinsed off, some not. Toys littered the kitchen table, all of them pink and yellow. The little girl clearly had a preference. I could see one lone blue toy in the mix. Some kind of action figure that could probably change shape.

The kitchen opened right into the living room, showing a neat space covered in books. They sat on the coffee table, stuffed the shelves, had been stacked on end tables. One sat open on the couch. It looked like a kids’ book, with brightly colored pictures shining from where it sat.

How could this house, from a Nightmare family, look more normal than my own? They had a completely different culture, with different rules and mores, and their house looked real. It looked safe. It didn’t give me that punched in the stomach feeling that my own house did.

Kier walked around the kitchen, picking things up at random, and putting them away. The toys all seemed to go in baskets placed around the house, the dishes into the sink, rags into a laundry room off to the side. He moved with the kind of absentmindedness that came with routine. He did this kind of thing often.

“Where are your parents?” I asked, without meaning to let the words come out. That strange calm kept me from panicking, though.

Kier glanced over at me, a dirty rag in one hand and a fire coming into his eyes. He tossed it into a laundry room with more force than needed. “Gone.”

“Guardian?”

He didn’t say anything, and I looked around the house again. The neat house that had been cared for with love and attention. Not the kind of place that one would picture a teenager handling.

“Let’s go,” Kier said, grabbing my arm. His fingers bit into my skin, but I could barely feel them. My father always grabbed me harder.

“Do your Authorities know about this?” I asked.

Kier stopped immediately and whipped me around so that I had to face him. My heart shot into my throat as I stared into those furious brown eyes. “Why? You thinking about blackmailing me? Trying to get me to do what you want, go where you want?”

“No,” I said. “I’m just trying to understand.”

Kier leaned toward me, probably thinking that I would try to back away from him. My legs didn’t move. It felt like someone had poured steel into them when I hadn’t been looking. Before I knew it, Kier loomed over me, his massive body almost touching mine, and his head tilted down, so that he could stare into my eyes. Yet, my heart stayed steady and my lungs didn’t beg for air.

“You don’t need to understand anything,” Kier said. “You need to leave, before you get yourself killed. Does that part of this situation not make it into that thick skull of yours? You are in danger.”

“You could have killed me by now, if you wanted,” I said.

Kier’s jaw worked. “You are a fool.”

“You keep saying things like that, but I’m the one listening and learning. You’re the one threatening me and throwing me out of the house without hearing what I’m trying to say.” I sounded brave, which confused me. I’d always been a coward. Hiding from my father and everyone around me, because I feared what would happen. Then, the one time I tried to save myself, it had gone so catastrophically wrong. I felt like I’d put on a mask, to try and hide myself from everyone else.

“Get moving,” he said, nodding toward the door. “You are the one that doesn’t understand anything, and I’m being kind.”

“No, you’re not.”

Kier pushed my shoulder, and I stumbled away from him. I rubbed the spot he had been gripping a second ago, to get some feeling back in my arm. He looked like stone. Unmoving and unwavering. I’d made a mistake by picking his yard to hide in. For more than picking the wrong race to seek shelter from. I picked the wrong boy. He wouldn’t listen to a thing that I had to say. Kier had decided that I was nothing more than a stupid human, with stupid human traits and beliefs. Getting me home, away from his family, mattered more than hearing me.

I might as well have not tried.

Kier grabbed a pair of keys from the hook and turned to stare at me with those burning eyes.

My hand tightened around my backpack strap, and that numb calm cracked. I held the pieces to me, using them to shore up what little courage I had. My feet carried me out of the room, then out of the house, into the night.

Other than the night before, I’d never been outside after the sun set. I hadn’t paid much attention either, because I’d been running for my life at the time. Now, I felt the cool air, and marveled that it could be so different from the morning. And nighttime had a certain silence to it. Bugs hummed and chirped, but no birds sang. All the children had gone off to school, leaving this neighborhood mostly silent.

Kier had a black van. The kind that would hold multiple children comfortably. He led me over and opened the passenger door. I stared at the vehicle and saw his calm face. It seemed so practical for someone his age to own. Too practical. But he had four children to look after, so of course he bought a van. Where did the money come from? He hadn’t seemed all that worried that I’d tell the Authorities about this. Not that they would believe me to begin with. But it felt like they already knew and supported Kier for some reason.

Their life felt too settled for anything else.

“Are you getting in, or am I putting you in?” Kier asked.

I blinked back to reality and slid into the van. He had a pine scented air freshener hanging from the rearview mirror. Probably to block out the little kid smell that would’ve otherwise been in the space. A glance behind me showed that the kids had left things in the backseat. Things like toys and coloring books and other miscellaneous items.

Kier got into the driver’s seat and turned the van on. It rumbled to life immediately, the engine vibrating beneath my bottom. I shifted around and looked out the window.

He didn’t ask me for directions, but he wouldn’t have needed to. Not if he looked through my things and found my wallet. All kids over the age of ten got a state ID, and they had to be updated once a year. My address would’ve been waiting for him there, in bold letters.

We didn’t talk as Kier drove. My eyes locked on the scenery outside the window, watching as streets became more familiar, and signs started to have names I recognized. My stomach plummeted as the first minute ticked by.

It’ll be all right, I thought. I just have to wait for Kier to drive off, and then I’ll run again. I have to run again. If my father sees me, then I won’t be moving for the rest of the night.

My mind went to the belt that he used to beat me with. He had stopped doing that over three years ago, though. He’d switched to something a little sturdier. He had a board that had come loose from the flooring in his room. Wide enough that it wouldn’t crack my skull if he didn’t want to, but thin enough that he had some flexibility. A couple of hits from that thing, and I wouldn’t be able to move.

Stop thinking, stop thinking. Memories will get you nowhere and they mean nothing right now.

Nothing and no one.

Stop thinking!

It hurt so bad when he hit me the first time.

STOP THINKING!

I sucked in a breath and blinked. The street had changed again, becoming one more familiar than all the others. The houses that all looked the same, the gates that kept us safe. It all looked secure, and a normal person would have thanked the heavens for that. A normal person wouldn’t have wanted to claw her own eyes out so that she didn’t have to see this.

My chest started to ache, and I realized that I hadn’t been breathing. Again. I opened my mouth, letting some air into my lungs. It burned all the way down.

Kier pulled up in front of my house, and I stared at the façade. It looked so… boring. A moderate-sized colonial without a porch. My father had had it painted a few years back because the HOA had thrown a hissy fit. Baby blue with white accents, it stood out from the rest of the houses, but not enough to get us booted from the neighborhood. Besides, the large black gate kind of ruined the effect.

The green grass and trees with dying leaves invited me to come inside. To walk in and remember what hell felt like.

“Get out,” Kier said.

I turned to look at him and noted his lack of care. He looked beyond done with my shit.

I gripped the door handle and started to open it. Some vague thought about begging came to mind, but I didn’t think that he would listen to me in that regard. He’d probably assume that I just wanted to cause trouble and throw me out of the car with brute force.

Just get out. Stay calm. That’s all you have to do, is stay calm, breathe deep, and wait for him to leave. Hold onto this calmness.

Oh, but it had cracked. Could I do that?

I pushed open the car door and started walking for my gate. I thought Kier would’ve driven off then, but he stayed in front of the house, waiting for me to enter. My feet kept bringing me forward, while my mind screamed that I had to stay calm.

I reached the keypad and hovered my thumb over the sensor.

“You ruin everything!” my father screamed, his hand gripping that board so tightly that the splinters cut into his skin. He didn’t seem to notice the blood, even if it made his grip slippery. He started to come toward me. My body already ached. My legs throbbed, and I’d curled up into a ball. My back ached and my heart thundered.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” I cried, hoping that he would hear me.

“I’ve given you so much, but you just destroy it. Such an ungrateful brat!” Dad kicked my side, making me roll over. That board, I watched it go into the air, and I knew that it would come down on me. And… And I had time to move. If I just rolled away from my father, then I could hit him in the stomach. He’d go down, and I’d run. I’d be able to run.

But I ruined everything. I always did. I knew what pissed him off, and yet I still couldn’t keep everything together, the house clean, his things unbroken. I’d just ruin everything if I tried to leave. Some nice person would take me in, and I’d break their things, and then I’d break their hearts, and they’d want to hurt me.

There would be new rules, with new ways to ruin things. At least here… at least here I had the manual. I knew what to do to make him leave me alone, and what not to do. I fucked up all the time, but I always knew why.

Why risk going somewhere else?

The board struck my side, making me cry out.

I blinked, the image of my thumb over the sensor taking up my attention. I touched the pad down gently, thinking that it would be easy. I’d press that button, and then I’d press down harder, until it read my thumbprint. I’d step inside, tell my father how sorry I felt, and he would beat me. He would beat me until I learned a lesson. And in a few years, I would escape that house, maybe. If he let me.

It’d be easy, really. I’d slip back into the game that I’d been playing for years. The one where I pretended that everything would be fine if I just hung on. I’d ignore the blows to my self-esteem, pretend the cracks in my sanity didn’t exist, and act like everything was fine. And no one would notice. I didn’t matter. Not to the man behind this gate, or the people in my school.

Nothing and no one, Kier said. It had been echoing around the inside of my skull because of how accurate those words sounded. I am nothing and no one. They will never know that I’m gone when he kills me. That’s the real game we play. Hide and seek. I hide from him, and when he finds me, Dad will kill me. When he finds who I really am, he will kill her for sport. He will take that person and make it so she doesn’t matter.

My hand dropped away from the reader, because I couldn’t make myself open the gate. I couldn’t fool myself into believing that I’d be hiding for a few minutes inside the house while Kier left. If I opened that gate, I would be slipping back into hell, and doing it willingly. Returning to the familiar pain and the world I understood.

The wind picked up, pushing my hair over my right shoulder.

Run. Go that way. You have a head start, because Kier has to get out of the car. Run, a little voice whispered. Finish saving yourself.

I looked over my shoulder and saw Kier watching me through the window. Our eyes met, and we had one perfect moment of understanding. One where he knew that I would run, and I knew that he would chase me.

The connection broke when I took off, running full tilt down the sidewalk. My short legs pumped faster than they had even the night before.

The car door slammed closed, and I heard the sound of feet pounding after me.

My world narrowed down to the path in front of me. I didn’t see people or anything existing beyond my goal of away. I had to get away from that house, that man, that life. Even if a Nightmare found me on the street and killed me, that would be better than this. It had to be better, because at least then the pain would stop. At least then, I would’ve died trying to save myself.

I turned my thoughts off and started making random turns. If I didn’t think about it, then there wouldn’t be a pattern. I had a chance of dodging Kier. I tried to go down narrow alleys, or squeeze through fences. If I could get my small body through places that his larger one couldn’t fit, then I’d lose him.

Kier had much longer legs than I did, and he moved like an engine had been attached to his back. He ate up the ground in lunging strides, and each one of those strides brought him closer to me.

Without thinking, I turned between two houses, and tried to slip through their chain link fence. One of the wires caught on my shirt and held me in place for a precious second. I ripped the shirt trying to get away. I felt a line appear on my back, and blood started to slide out of the injury. Ignoring the hurt, I took off for the other side of the yard.

I dodged around the corner and leapt blindly. My fingers slid into the metal, and I hauled myself up and over. Once on the other side, I hung in the air for a second before releasing the fence. Speed mattered more than grace, and I had to get out of there before Kier came around the corner.

My feet hit the ground, and I rolled onto my side. Instead of running further, I ducked into the shadows of the porch, and threw my arms over my light hair. I tried to be perfectly still. If I refused to move, then maybe he wouldn’t see me. Humans found it hard to notice things that didn’t move. Maybe Nightmares had the same thing.

Only, Kier didn’t show up.

My breathing started to return to normal as I lifted my head up and looked around. Darkness surrounded me on all sides, like an old friend giving me a hug. I rose to my feet and started to slip from the shadows. Every instinct I had screamed at me, but I had to check.

I looked around the corner, into the yard…. and saw nothing. No Kier.

Relief flooded me, making my legs go loose, and my arms dangle uselessly at my sides. If I could just find a place to hide out until morning, then—

His arms came around me from behind. I knew immediately who they belonged to, because of their massive size and strength. Kier hauled me back, against his chest, lifting my feet off the ground.

I started to kick immediately and struggled. “No!” I cried out. “No! Let me go! I won’t go back!”

“Stop screaming,” Kier growled.

“No, please! Don’t make me go back, please. I won’t go back. I can’t do it. Don’t make me do it!” Much to my horror, my screams started to sound choked, and tears began to spill from my eyes. “Please, don’t! You don’t understand, I can’t go back. I can’t. Please, please.”

Kier’s arms stayed tight around me, but I didn’t stop my fighting. I struggled with everything that I had in me, begging him over and over again not to make me go back. “You can’t do this to me, please. Don’t do this. You don’t know what it’s like. Please.”

My body started to get weak, probably because I hadn’t eaten in two days and hadn’t had water for longer. I started to go lax, my legs folding up as tears flooded out of my eyes. Kier went to the ground with me, not letting go for a second. “Please,” I said, my voice cracking so hard that it hurt.

And then I heard him talking and realized that he had been doing so for a couple of minutes. “Shh, shh. Stop crying, I won’t make you go back. Shh.” His arms had stopped being a prison, and had become more of a support, keeping me from falling to the ground. No longer steel bars, but guide rails that kept me from falling off this cliff and into insanity.

“Shh. It’s okay,” he said. “I won’t make you go back. I promise.”