Chapter 36. Punishment For Logan
Logan stopped his car in front of the main door of his house. The house was quiet and still. The front door was shut tight. The lights were on, but still, they didn't light up the house. Instead, he felt the house was very dark. As dark as his heart.
Logan took a deep breath. He removed the seat belt that was wrapped around his body and then looked at Riley who had passed out next to him.
You're a monster!
Riley's words danced in his mind. He was a monster. He used his hand to hurt Riley. He had beaten Riley just because he didn't like hearing Riley's loud cries.
Logan stared at his clenched fists on the steering wheel. The hands he used to kill the people he hated. The hands he used to hit Riley. Logan suddenly felt disgusted with himself. He hated being born as Logan Hatcher. He was cruel like a monster. The people he loved left him one by one. He was cursed to be a loner his whole life because God knew he would only bring destruction to the people he cared about.
Logan banged his head against the steering wheel. He let the thought poison his brain again. He had promised himself and his psychiatrist that he would not blame himself for everything that had happened. The past remained the past. He just had to focus on the future and all the plans he had going forward.
He then stepped out of the car. He walked to the passenger side and carried Riley to her room. When he opened the door, he saw that Kaella was just about to turn off the light in the hall. Kaella looked surprised to see him carrying Riley.
"She fainted from exhaustion. Can you change her dress into pajamas?"
Kaella nodded slowly and followed him to Riley's room on the second floor. He tried to walk as fast as possible so he could immediately put Riley in her bedroom. He had something to do tonight. He needed to punish himself for hurting someone he was supposed to protect.
"Make sure she rests well tonight. Give her the most comfortable pajamas. Don't turn off the lights. She's afraid of the dark."
"Okay, sir. I’ll do everything you say."
Logan put Riley slowly on her bed. He was tempted to kiss Riley's forehead and stay for a while to stare at Riley's beautiful face. But he shook off that thought and left Riley's room without saying anything to Kaella.
Logan walked toward his basement study. He made sure the door was locked before walking down the stone stairs with a blank look. He had too many things on his mind. All the events that happened tonight made him feel terrible. He had never regretted his actions after he killed someone who deserved to be killed, but this time he regretted his actions. Especially because he had dragged Riley into the complexities of his life. He should have let Riley go and not asked her to shoot Alan.
How is Riley's psychological condition after this? Will Riley be okay, or will she be haunted by nightmares about Alan's death?
Logan banged his head against the bookshelf as he felt his brain keep making fun of him about how stupid he was tonight. He let his anger control his body. He let Riley see the evil monster inside him. He made Riley do something she shouldn't have done. He dragged Riley into his life filled with darkness. Logan kept banging his head against the bookshelf until the voices were gone from his head.
He then walked over to his desk drawer. He took out a wooden box and opened it. He sighed softly looking at the whip with the leather handle. It was a tool to punish him every time he finished doing something wrong, and his guilt was unbearable. Tonight he had made many mistakes that made his soul thrash with unbearable guilt. The only way to reduce that guilt and keep his mind sane was to punish himself.
Logan quickly took off his shirt. He threw his shirt and coat on the floor. He knelt on the carpet and started whipping himself hard. The first whip on his back caused a searing pain. The second whip created a stinging pain that was so excruciating that it reached his heart. The third whip made guilt and regret evaporate into the air. Logan felt the whiplash was worth what he had done. The fourth, fifth and so on would erase all the sadness and regret that was attached to his heart. The whipping pain in his back was still lighter than the pain in his heart from hurting Riley. He should be punished with fifty whips to make it even for what he did to Riley.
For about thirty minutes, Logan whipped himself. Blood had been running down his back when he received ten whips. But he did it again and again until he reached fifty. At the fifty whips, Logan fell to the floor. Blood splattered all over the carpet. Logan fell on his stomach, gasping for air and sweat pouring down his body. His head drooped to the right, his wet hair clinging to his forehead. He tried to take in as much oxygen as possible and tried not to move his stomach, causing his back to hurt even more. The pain was excruciatingly bad.
But it wasn't as bad as the first time he had whipped himself years ago. He got the method from an ancient book that told about people in ancient times who used to whip their own backs to do penance. Logan thought that whipping his own back could help him get rid of the sadness and regret that haunted his heart every time he lost control of his body because of all his uncontrollable emotions.
By now he was used to being whipped. Every time he made a mistake that caused regret, he would whip himself. The number of lashes varied, depending on how many mistakes he made and how fatal the mistakes were. Uusually he only whipped himself about ten times. The last time he had whipped himself that much was after Brittany's death. He had never felt such sadness after that. And tonight he had suddenly made a fatal mistake that cost him fifty whips.
That's a fair amount, he thought.
Logan closed his eyes on the damp carpet. He let the pain in his back spread everywhere, throughout his body. Let the physical pain take over the pain in his heart. It was better than endless regret.
When he closed his eyes, he imagined Riley's face filled with tears as he forced her to grip the gun. Riley's voice in his head worsened the pain that spread throughout his body.
I really am a terrible monster, he thought bitterly.
If his parents were still alive, they would be disgusted with him. They chose to leave him because they did not want to have a son like him. A son with mental disorders and uncontrollable temperaments. He was ruthless and cruel. He was a monster.
“Arrgghh...”
Logan groaned in pain and sadness. He let his eyes close. He wanted to sleep for a while to forget all the pain he was feeling. He hoped that when he opened his eyes the pain would be gone and there would be only happiness. Overflowing pleasure. Positive energy. Whatever beautiful things he could feel. He wanted it. He wanted his gloomy life to turn into a beautiful life.