Chapter 49

His POV

"What's wrong?" She asked frantically checking on me to check what's wrong, meanwhile I'm looking silently at her face.

I can't be wrong. I remember her but this is someone's memories.

"I need to go." I stood up and walked away from her. I heard her shout asking if I'm okay, I didn't answer her and continued to go wherever my feet wants to go.

I went home early shut my room and stared blankly at my room. I've never felt more confused than today, memories kept coming in my mind, memories about Irene. We met on the first day of class, she became the president of the student council, I became the president of Vionale. My mouth parted and I pressed my head in between my hands.

Get out of my mind! Fuck! Don't change my memories! I couldn't have loved her, I love Sejeong!

Yet my mind told me a different story. Irene was my first love and Sejeong... I hated her for mistreating Irene. I stopped pressing my head when my phone rang, my eyes looked at the ringing phone in my bed table.

Sejeong-ah.

I immediately got my phone and picked up her call. I need to hear her voice to make my world in balance again.

"Sehunie, you free?" Her voice...

"Damn you wrench! I'll fucking kill you!"

I froze, the voices in my head overpowered her voice. It's getting harder to breath but with my remaining power I replied.

"Sejeong-ah, yes."

"You're better off dead."

"Sorry, I." I traced off, hitting my head.

"Have things to do. Next time?" She went silent for a moment but then she agreed. I told her I'm being called by the seniors for her to hang up the call, as soon as the call ended I threw my phone to my bed. I sat down on the cold floor, clutching my hair, pulling them out.

I don't need this memories! Get the fuck out of my head!

Ever since that day I started to distance myself from Sejeong, it's difficult to stay away from the person who makes me whole but I don't want her to see through me, I can't see her in pain.

For days I focused on my work to get my mind off of everything, it somehow helps me but I miss her so damn much.

While working I accidentally let the words slip through my mouth, Irene's mouth parted her eyes grew in shock. She approached me and held my shoulder, grasping on it tightly.

"What do you mean by memories of the past?" I looked away and pushed her away, it didn't feel right no matter how my mind insist that I once loved her.

"Could you possibly got your memories back?" I turned to her, my eyebrows furrowed her eyes telling me she knows something. I clenched my jaws and gripped her arm, shaking her.

"What do you know?" I gritted my teeth. A smile formed on her lips, I was taken back when she hugged me, snaking her arms around my neck.

"Don't touch me!" I got a hold of her arms and forcibly removed them from me throwing it back to her side.

"But you remember me right? You love me!" I squinted my eyes. I shook my head and took a step back.

"I don't." Her eyes flickered. I breathed in and shot her a look.

"Tell me what you know, why is this happening." I asked the only person who I think is in the same condition as me.

"The memories you saw were yours. You were re-borned. Let's just think of it as 're-living' your life, but somehow this life is different. You're with Sejeong when you should've been with me, I know you saw everything. How we met and how we both fell in love." I cut her off.

"Why is this happening?" She shrugged her shoulder.

"I don't know either, it's either a gift of chance or a punishment from the deities. You know what you did to her, how she screamed when you pulled the trigger-." I cut her off.

"Then why do you have your memories?" I asked.

"A gift." She smiled.

After she told me what she knows we decided to keep it between ourselves, nobody can find out especially Sejeong. Even if she explained it to me I still couldn't understand, if we are just reliving then why is it different? Sejeong is not the one in my memories, she's the complete opposite.

I kept myself busy for months, I rarely get to talk to Sejeong anymore. I'm slowly getting used to having two memories, the voices inside my mind stopped but everytime I saw how I hurt Sejeong, I want to stay away from her.

I'm scared that I have the ability to hurt her. I can't stay near her at all times, I'm scared for her. I'm scared of myself.

On the fifth month, I suddenly got a call. I looked at the time and saw that it's one in the morning. I lazily got my phone and check who's calling, the moment I saw her face on my screen I picked it up and placed my phone near my ear. I got a bad feeling when I heard her say my name what's worse came after.

When she asked me if I still love her.

In panic I got dressed up and asked uncle to send me to her house. It was cold but I couldn't care about myself and peaked inside her gate, the moment I saw her figure walking near me I wanted to lock her in my arms.

I missed her.

I called her name. She didn't looked at me but kept her head down, the guard opened the gate for her and she stepped out.

"Sejeong-ah." I called her name again, walking slowly to her.

Did she lose weight?

I came to a halt when he raised her hand.

"Stay there." She said in a whisper.

"Just tell it to me straight. Answer my question earlier." She's still looking down.

"Please don't be like this." She's so near yet why can't I hold her in my arms. My body wants to come to her but my mind... I'm scared.

"Like what?" She lifts her head.

There's too much reason for us to remain...

"Distant." The word slip from my mind. Her eyes flinched.

"I'm being distant?" Fuck.

"No, I'm sorry." I shook my head.

"I never stayed away from you, you were the one who didn't let me stay close to you." Her eyes started to glisten with tears, my chest felt a sharp pain go through.

"I said it wrong."

"Are you pushing the blame on me?! Really? I was the one who didn't bother to leave a couple of seconds of my day to say 'how are you'?"

"I'm sorry." Was all I could say.

"Stop saying you're sorry!" She yelled.

"I just need you to answer me, do you still love me?" I looked at her eyes in disbelief.

"Yes!" I said in an instant. She then asked me why, I don't have any idea what she's referring to. She exhaled and started asking me questions that I didn't know how to respond to.

"Why did you make me feel like I have to beg for your time these past months? Why do I have to make an effort for us to work? Why do you make me feel like I'm not worth a second in your life? At this point, what am I in your life?" She weeped. She bit her lips to stop a cry from escaping.

I went near her, I didn't know she was feeling all of this. I never wanted her to feel this much pain.

"I." I sighed, my chest hurts so much, who knew watching the person you love grieve could hurt this much. I don't know if this pain can ever leave my chest.

I want to tell her , but I know she can get hurt when I'll tell her about everything. I don't want her to be in more pain, it's enough if I'm just the one in pain.

Not her.

"God knows I never meant for this to happen Sejeong-ah, ever. It's my fault that I've gotten too immersed with work, I wanted to prove to myself that if I'll succeed with the task I can also win the deal we have with our parents." I started telling lies.

"That's a lame excuse." She spat out.

"You never needed to prove yourself and you know that. I thought we were a team? You've always had me and you also know that, yet you chose to abandon me. I'm always on your side, whatever the outcome may be I'll always choose to be with you. Yet instead of choosing me to be with you, you chose her."

"I didn't choose anyone else besides you." My voice cracked. My heart is in pieces watching her breakdown.

I didn't mean to stay away from you Sejeong-ah, I was confused and terrified.

"I just lost myself for a second-"

"Months" She corrected.

"Yes."

"I lost myself but that didn't mean I loved you any less, everytime I stop working you're all I could think about. I missed you so much but I had to finish everything to be finally be free to be with you, everytime you give me dinner I'd dream of eating with you again, when we're at class I'd dream to talk to you more but my body was too tired." Tears started to flood my eyes, I cannot see her anymore.

"I didn't know it was this heavy for you, I was too stupid to just dream of being with you that I forgot to be with you at that moment. I regret everything. " Sorry my love.

"I don't want to lose you." I said in a whisper.

Just once, I want to hold her. I don't think my heart can take this much pain.

"I love you." I stepped closer to her.

"I broke my rules for you." My heart was torn when she stepped back. "I never planned to be with you, but you smiled and it blew me."

"I just wished you would do the same for me." No..

"Seje-." She cut me off.

"I think it would be best to take a break Sehun." At this moment I knew the worst pain a man can experience is seeing the one you love go and you can't stop her.

Even with two memories, this is the first time I've felt so broken and lost, sorry Sejeong-ah.