Chapter 42

"What?" I bit my lips so hard that if I push my teeth any more deeper it would cut my lips.

"Just answer." I managed to utter, dropping myself on my seat, I raised my feet to the seat and hugged my knees together shut. The silence of the night dawned to me when all I could hear from the other line is his breathing and my heart pounding against my chest.

"Sejeong-ah, I'll come to you. Let's talk when I get there." He rushed, I heard his blankets being thrown in the corner that caused somethings to fall on the ground.

He didn't talk anymore, I think he forgot to turn off his phone. My eyes fluttered and breathed in deeply, pulling the phone away from my ears so he could not hear my heavy breathing.

So he wants to talk to me now? When he had a lot of chance to even say a little 'I miss you', he didn't.

I closed our call. My eyes fell to my painted toes, it glittered as I moved it up and down, I placed my phone on the table next to my music box. It finally stopped moving, the little princess faced me.

I look like a fool right? A laughingstock...

I drowned myself in deep thoughts, how I endured all those months, how I kept understanding him to the point where I'm left confused on what I should do. I wish I could just be this little princess in the music box, she doesn't know how to feel anything. She wouldn't get confused no matter how many times she kept dancing around.

I have no clue how many minutes passed but I was pulled out of my thoughts when my phone rang. His face flashed on my phone, I picked it up memorizing each features of my favorite photo of him before answering his call.

I didn't speak but my heart pounded so hard.

"Sejeong-ah, I'm outside."

"Okay." Was all I said before dropping the call. I stood up, feeling the blood return to my legs. Prior leaving the patio I closed the music box, letting the little princess rest for a moment.

I wandered to our hall, down the stairs until I was out of our house. In a distance I saw the lights of a car outside our gate, holding on to the hem of my thin cardigan I pulled it in and hugged myself with it as I walked on the cobble pathway.

"Sejeong-ah" I heard his voice in a distance but I decided to not look for him.

"Miss." The guard on duty greeted. I nodded, not bothering to fake a smile. He opened the gate for me and I stepped outside.

I just kept my eyes on my feet not daring to look up to him, wherever he is.

"Sejeong-ah." His footsteps became audible due to the little pebbles he stepped on, producing a crunching sound every step he took. The closer the sound got the more tense I became, when it got louder I stopped him with my hand.

"Stay there." The sounds stopped.

"Just tell it to me straight." I breathed in, pulling the cardigan closer to my body. "Answer my question earlier."

"Please don't be like this." I furrowed my eyebrows, slowly I lift my head, the headlights of the car illuminated half his face. It felt like I haven't seen him this close for years.

"Like what?"

He gulped and rubbed his eyes with his palm, dropping his arms he then looked straight into my eyes.

"Distant." My eyes twitched.

What? Is he joking?

"I'm being distant?" I pointed at myself. His jaw clenched and he raised his hand and shook it along with his head.

"No, I'm sorry."

My eyes started to water, blurring my vision but my ears heard everything he said so clearly.

"I never stayed away from you, you were the one who didn't let me stay close to you." My already hoarse voice cracked, tears fell from my eyes to my cheeks falling down to my arms.

"I said it wrong."

"Are you pushing the blame on me?! Really? I was the one who didn't bother to leave a couple of seconds of my day to say 'how are you'?" I exclaimed,  my voice shaking as I put emphasis on every word I let out of my mouth.

"I'm sorry." I bit my lips, shook my head.

"Stop saying you're sorry!" I yelled. I looked away for a second to calm my heart. Breathing in, I try to suppress the pain spreading in my chest.

"I just need you to answer me, do you still love me?"

"Yes!" He replied. I crossed my arms.

"Then why?" His eyebrows met, I closed my eyes to let another stream of tears out clearing my vision when I opened them.

"Why did you make me feel like I have to beg for your time these past months? Why do I have to make an effort for us to work? Why do you make me feel like I'm not worth a second in your life? At this point, what am I in your life?"

I couldn't take it anymore, I weeped. My shoulders shrugged, my fingers clutching on my arms  started to hurt but somehow it felt better than the pain rising again in my chest. I closed my mouth again as a cry escaped my lips. Noises from his footsteps started again, I shook my head.

"I." He sighed.

"God knows I never meant for this to happen Sejeong-ah, ever. It's my fault that I've gotten too immersed with work, I wanted to prove to myself that if I'll succeed with the task I can also win the deal we have with our parents." I shook my head.

"That's a lame excuse." I countered. His eyes fluttered and looked at me with the once familiar eyes that I felt home just be looking.

"You never needed to prove yourself and you know that. I thought we were a team?" I choked on my heart as my throat closed again. I whimpered and swallowed everything, the bottled frustrations inside me slowly leaked.

"You've always had me and you also know that, yet you chose to abandon me. I'm always on your side, whatever the outcome may be I'll always choose to be with you." I laughed in a bitter tone.

"Yet instead of choosing me to be with you, you chose her." It's like I can hear the painful shattering of my heart into little pieces. It hurts a lot, a kind of pain I never knew was even possible to be felt by someone.

"I didn't choose anyone else besides you." His voice cracked.

"I just lost myself for a second-"

"Months" I corrected him.

"Yes." He agreed.

"I lost myself but that didn't mean I loved you any less, everytime I stop working you're all I could think about. I missed you so much but I had to finish everything to be finally be free to be with you, everytime you give me dinner I'd dream of eating with you again, when we're at class I'd dream to talk to you more but my body was too tired." Tears started to flood his small eyes.

"I didn't know it was this heavy for you, I was too stupid to just dream of being with you that I forgot to be with you at that moment. I regret everything. " I placed my hand over my mouth, I gasped for air as my chest became too painful.

"I don't want to lose you." He said in a whisper, he stepped closer to me.

"I love you." I said, he stopped on his tracks. I wiped my tears away.

"I broke my rules for you." I stepped back. "I never planned to be with you, but you smiled and it blew me."

"I just wished you would do the same for me." I forced a smile on my face, tears stopped flowing looks like I cried enough.

"Seje" I cut him off.

"I think it would be best to take a break Sehun." His eyes widened, panic flashed through his eyes.

The eyes that I used to feel like home now feels too painful to look at.