Chapter 31 — For the Rest of our Long Lives

Brooke:

I have no idea where we are going. Landon does not seem to know either. We have passed our exit and still have not said a word. I do not know how to process anything that was said. The dumbest part of it is that what I am focusing on the most is the fact that Landon's father thinks Landon cares for me. What does that mean? There is no one better to raise his kids? Is that why we have not filed for divorce? Or is it something else?

"What are you thinking?" Landon's voice suddenly fills the car. I glance over at him. He is staring straight ahead at the road, holding the steering wheel in a death grip, his jaw clenched. I take a deep breath.

"You're right; your father isn't a nice person." Landon looks at me with confusion. "What?" I say indifferently.

"Of everything you could have said, that's what you chose to say? My father’s not a nice person." Landon says in disbelief. I shrug, but what I want to do is bombard him with questions like, Is your father right, do you care for me? Do you love me? Do you really think of me as caring, kind, beautiful, and intelligent?

Instead of saying all that, I just sit there quietly, staring at my hands. Landon sighs. It is silent for a beat. Two. "Where are we going?" I ask. No response. "Landon!" I snap.

"I don't know," he snaps back.

"Well, maybe you should turn around. We missed our exit about fifteen minutes ago," I suggest.

"No," he says with finality.

I throw my hands up. "Why not? So, we can just drive around aimlessly?"

"Because you can't get out of the car!"

"Why?!" I ask, stunned.

"BECAUSE I DON'T WANT YOU TO LEAVE ME!" Landon shouts.

"Leave you? Why would I leave you? I thought you wanted to leave me?" I say, perplexed.

"What makes you think I would leave you?" he asks, just as astonished as I am. I shrug.

"Well, the contract was fulfilled, and I didn't know what... I mean, why would you stay with me?" I say.

"Brooke, I flew across an ocean to find you. I did everything in my power to save you. Called doctors and blackmailed your cousin into donating an organ to you. How could you think I would leave you? I love you," Landon exclaims. I gasp. My heart feels like it is dancing in my chest as my body glows with warmth.

"You...love me?" I whisper, needing to hear it again. I'm afraid I am just hearing things.

"Yeah. And I know I cannot expect you to return that love. I am not deserving of it. I should let you go. Let you live the life that was stolen from you by your father. But I am too selfish, so I will keep driving because as long as I do, you can't leave," he says, his voice raspy with emotion.

"Landon, I do love you," I say softly. His head whips to face me so fast I fear he strained a neck muscle.

"How can you say that after what you just learned about me? I'm a monster." The last word comes out a choked sound.

"What are you talking about? Landon, you are not a monster. You’re my hero."

Landon scoffs. "Brooke, I killed my mother. I am a murderer. And what's worse, I'm a murder who walked away scot-free." I shake my head.

"I don't believe that." Tears pool in my eyes at the tormented look he gives me. He truly believes he had killed his mother.

"Well, it’s the truth," he growls.

I shake my head again. "I don't believe you," I whisper again. Landon takes a sudden right turn. We drive down a narrow dirt road that ends in a parking lot. "Where are we?" I ask, looking around. The parking lot faces a big grass hill that has wooden stairs up the middle. Then I notice a sign at the top of the stairs: Rahoon Cemetery.

"My mom is buried on the other side of that hill," Landon says quietly. Shocked, I do not know what to do or say, so I just stay quiet. But that seems to be all Landon needs to keep talking. "The hardest part is that she said she forgave me. How could she do that? I did not deserve her forgiveness. She should have hated me. She should have punished me." Landon's voice cuts off with a strangled sob.

I reach out to grasp his hand. "Forgiving is part of healing. I do not know what happened or why you think you killed your mother, but I know you, Landon. I trust you. I love you. Everything else...means nothing to me." Landon stays silent. "Why don't you tell me what happened?" I suggest.

Landon takes in a deep, bracing breath before nodding. "It was the day after finals, freshman year of college. Derik, Jared, and I went to a party celebrating the survival of freshman year." Landon shakes his head at himself. "We got hammered pretty early in the night. Went from party to party and somehow ended up at my parents’ house, where we decided racing classic cars was a good idea." I gasp involuntarily, my mind tumbling with possibilities.

"I drove right through the kitchen, pinning my mother between the fridge and the car." Landon barely scrapes the words out through a clogged throat.

"I... did she... I don't know what to say," I stutter. Landon shrugs.

"Not much you can say."

"Did she...you said she forgave you. What did you mean by that?"

Landon shrugs. "Just that she told me after she had her fourth hospital stay." I raise my eyebrow in confusion. She had four hospital stays.

"How long after the accident did she pass?"

"Two years. She had trauma to her liver. She did dialysis for a year and eight months. Her recovery was slow, but the doctors were optimistic. Then she got diagnosed with cancer. It was terminal...she stopped treatment after that." Landon sobs. "And the worst part is a part of me was relieved. I could not watch her go through that pain again. I couldn't." He cuts off.

"Oh my goodness, Landon." Guilt swamps me. "And I... just left for you to worry... I was in the hospital...and my liver..." My breath comes in gasping pants.

"Brooke. Brooke. Breathe, Brooke. Beagchaithnini sneachta, breathe." He reaches out, taking me into his arms, and pulls me over the console into his lap.

He tucks my face into his neck, and I take full advantage, burying my face into the crook of his neck. Landon soothes a hand up and down my back, murmuring words of comfort while I sob. After a while, I manage to stop crying and pull myself together. I pull back from Landon so I can look him in the eye.

"I'm so sorry, Landon. You must hate me," I say, brushing tears off my face. Landon narrows his eyes at me.

"I could never hate you, beagchaithnini sneachta," he says forcefully, as if demanding me to believe him.

"But it must have been agonizing for you to find me unconscious as you did, and then to learn about my illness after watching your mother go into liver failure and then cancer."

I shake my head, too overwhelmed to process this. Landon presses his forehead against mine. "Yeah, it scared the shit out of me. I only wish you would have told me. I keep thinking if only I told you I loved you sooner, showed you I loved you, you wouldn't have suffered alone or as long."

His words trigger another batch of tears. I cup Landon's cheek, forcing him to keep eye contact. "I'm so sorry, Landon. I'm so sorry you carried this pain."

"I deserved it," Landon argues.

"No, you didn't, Landon. You made a mistake and did a bad thing, but you did not kill your mother. She stopped her treatment when she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. You are a beautiful person inside and out, and I love you."

"I love you so much," Landon replies before wrapping me in another embrace. We hold each other for what seems like forever before Cahal starts fussing. I pull away from Landon, reaching for the bottle in the diaper bag.

"Did you want to go see her?" I ask. Landon nods his head before rasping.

"Yeah."

"Go on; I'll meet you there after I feed Cahal." I smile encouragingly.

Landon and I both get out of the vehicle, and while Landon starts trudging up the hill, I slip into the back seat. After feeding and changing Cahal, I swaddle him with another blanket before carrying him up the hill. Landon is kneeling at a headstone, shoulders shaking. I walk the short ten feet to him and kneel beside him. I do not speak, just waiting for Landon's lead. I will support him any way he needs me to.

Landon does not take his eyes off his mother’s headstone. "Mom, this is my wife, Brooke, and my son, Cahal," he introduces. "Cahal looks a lot like you, you know. When I look at him, I can see your smile. I just want you to know that I kept my promise. You told me to find happiness, to not follow in my father’s footsteps, and I did." Landon puts his arm around my shoulder then. "You told me to build a new family and to surround myself with love. And I did, Mom. I found my beagchaithnini sneachta." Landon turns to look at me when he says that.

A tear must have slipped from my eyes because Landon reaches out to wipe it away. "I love you," he says before pressing his lips to mine.

"I love you too," I murmur against his mouth. We stay there for another fifteen minutes as Landon talks to his mom. "What happens now?" I ask as we walk back to the truck.

"Now?" Landon comes to a stop, halting our progress. "How about we go back to the cottage, eat some raspberry Danishes, maybe watch Beauty and the Beast? And in a few months, we go home. Maybe take nightly walks chasing sunsets. Go on proper dates in fancy restaurants with dancing. Love each other and our son, and any other children we are blessed to have. For the rest of our lives."

My smile stretches from ear to ear. "I like that idea." Landon wraps his arm around my waist, bringing Cahal and me closer.

"Good. I'm not sure I was going to give you another option." He bends down and kisses my forehead then Cahal's. I laugh at his statement, my heart so full it’s bursting.

"For the rest of our lives," I whisper my promise. Landon smiles.

"For the rest of our long lives."