Chapter 9 9. Faceless Man!
I convinced myself that I was concerned for her safety and rushed forward. "Let me help you," I meant to say. But my body was moving too fast, my control frayed by adrenaline and desire. My hand, meant to be steady, connected with her face in a sharp, accidental slap. The sound was a crack in the dark.
When she tried to stand, her sudden move startled me. My balance was gone, and we fell together, my body landing heavily on top of hers. I felt her tense beneath me. She thinks I'm attacking her, I realized with a strange, detached clarity. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen.
I tried to gently restrain her; to show her I meant no real harm, that this was just a difficult moment we had to get through. But she fought back. Hard. Her nails scratched at my arms; her knees buckled against me. The fear of being caught by someone hearing this struggle clamped down on my throat, silencing me.
And then, a sickening twist: her violent resistance, the raw physicality of our struggle, sent a surge of arousal through me. My heart hammered, not just from panic, but from a dark, thrilling excitement. I knew I had to keep my head, but her fighting made it impossible. She was making this happen.
I was overwhelmed, consumed by a need I could no longer contain. To protect myself from her flailing blows, I had to press my full weight onto her, pinning her to the unforgiving ground. In the deep darkness, I could barely see her, could only feel her movements beneath me. When her arm swung up toward my head, I caught her wrist just in time. In the frantic tussle, my grip was too strong, my movements too rough. The fabric of her dress gave way with a sickening rip. It was an accident, but one that sent another jolt of that dark excitement through my veins.
I lost control. My hand, as if with a will of its own, found its way to her breasts. The feel of it, even though the fabric, ignited an all-consuming need for more. I had to have more. But she was not receptive. She fought back, her body screaming a refusal that her voice was too choked to speak. When her knee connected with my groin, a bolt of pain blinded me. I saw stars, the pain was so intense I thought I would be sick. For a single second, it almost worked. It almost woke me up.
But the desire was a fire now, and a little pain wouldn't put it out. I couldn't let it deter me. b I was already on the other side of her fence; there was no walking back now. A detached part of me was surprised by her strength, by the ferocity of her fight. But I was too involved. The machine of my own need was in motion, and I was just a passenger now, obligated to see it through.
In her mind, she had already tried and convicted me. She'd decided I was a monster, that I meant to harm her from the start. The truth, that this was a tragedy of misunderstandings, was lost on her. There was no point in explaining now; it was too late to turn back. So, I made a decision. A cold, clear resolution settled in my gut. I would finish what I had started.
The fear of being caught evaporated. The woods were empty. There were no witnesses. This secret would be buried here, between the two of us, and she would never have the courage to speak of it. I would make sure of that.
The mixture of alcohol and adrenaline poisoned my veins, and it was making me hard. This girl, this child, was stronger than she had any right to be. I looked at her, at the body that had no business being so fully formed, and I blamed her for it. Look what you've made me feel.
I tried to shush her, to force a calm into her that would make this easier, but my words were a tangled mess. I couldn't speak clearly without giving myself away, without her recognizing the man behind the monster. I had underestimated her. She was a wild animal, all teeth and nails and raw, furious strength. There was no pulling back now. The line was not just crossed; it was erased behind me. The question of whether my motives were good or bad became a distant, meaningless noise. The only thing that was real, the only thing that mattered, was the consuming need to possess her. To prove, in the most violent way possible, that I was in control.
In that intense moment, I desperately wished for her to stop fighting. My intention was never to cause her any harm, but my effort seemed to have gone unnoticed. I loosened my grip slightly, hoping to force open her legs. However, in that vulnerable moment, she managed to seize the opportunity, sensing my physical reaction. She made a sudden move that tightened her legs closed even more. Her moaning confused me. Could she be enjoying this? Then why was she fighting? She moved her face away when I tried to kiss her. I supposed she felt disgusted with the stench of alcohol on my breath I didn't blame her for that.
The lust wasn't a wave anymore; it was the entire ocean, and I was drowning in it. I lost all form, all control. I was just a hungry animal, ravaging its meal. But this was no sudden impulse. I'd thought about her for years, ever since I heard that fool Emilio had the audacity to ask Jonas for her hand. The thought made me sick. I was the one who waited. I was the one who watched. I deserved to be first.
I had done nothing wrong. I had been patient. But with Jonas gone, I knew it was only a matter of time before Emilio swooped in to steal what was rightfully mine. This wasn't how I wanted it. I'd dreamed of a quiet moment, of her choosing me. But that was a child's fantasy. This, the struggle, and the violence was the only way. This was the only language I believed she understood. A pathetic, self-serving pity took over me. Look what you made me do, I thought, but the face in my mind wasn't hers. It was Emilio's.
I am sorry, Saintilia, a voice inside me whispered, even as my body betrayed the apology. But Emilio is the one responsible for this.
A raw, sickening sound tore from my throat as I finally forced my way inside her. The feeling was a consuming fire, burning away the last fragments of my mind. There was no thought, only a blinding, animal imperative.
I am sorry, Saintilia I know you are a good girl. The whisper in my mind was a pathetic, meaningless gesture, a ghost of a conscience I had already murdered.