Chapter 53 — Heavy Is The Heart

“I’m sorry, what?”

I stare at Dorian with wide eyes and utter disbelief. The rain has eased into a faint drizzle. I lean against the rugged trunk of the tree and push myself away from him.

“Don’t look at me like that. Would it really be so terrible?” he asks, and the hurt on his face twists my stomach into a knot.

“Dorian, I can’t be your Luna,” I saw slowly, wringing the soaked fabric of my dress between my hands in a feeble attempt to distract myself. I can’t stand the disappointment in his eyes, let alone being the cause of it.

“Why not? I wouldn’t even be Alpha if it wasn’t for you. You love this town and this pack, and I love you. You make me a better man, and you’re one hell of a leader. Besides, we’ve already proved that we’re an amazing team. We work so well together.”

He makes it sound so easy. I’d be tempted to listen to him if I didn’t know better. His words are so heartfelt, and his argument is so logical… But I do know better.

“It’s not that simple. I’m not your mate,” I tell him, and the words feel like a dagger in my heart.

“So what?” he asks, his gaze hurt and confused.

I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to have this conversation with him. I can’t.

“So I can’t be your Luna! There’s nothing destined between us. We’re not meant to be together.”

He huffs in disbelief. Why is he being like this? Can’t he see how hard this is already?

“Valerie, we’re perfect together,” he says, coming toward me, and I force myself to take a step back. I can’t have him so close to me right now. I won’t be able to think straight. One of us has to keep our wits.

He stops when he sees me moving away from him, looking as though I’d struck him.

“I don’t care about mates. I love you,” he says.

I’m grateful for the dampness on my skin from the rain. It masks the tears that will undoubtedly start falling any second.

“And I love you… but Dorian, that’s not enough. There’s love, and then there’s magic. It’s a power that defies nature itself. The bond between mates is sacred,” I try to explain.

“What about you? You don’t love Marcel. Not like that. You sent him away even though he’s your mate.”

“That’s different,” I snap.

“Why?”

“Because I’m not Alpha! My feelings and my mistakes won’t affect the entire pack.”

“Mistakes?” he asks, and the word is barely a whisper. I’ve seen this man suffer before. I’ve seen him beaten and bloodied and kicked into the ground. I’ve tended his wounds, and I’ve heard his stories. But I’ve never seen such hurt in his eyes as I do now.

“No. We’re not a mistake, Dorian. That’s not what I meant.” I try to explain myself, wishing desperately that I could take the words back. I’ve never hated anything as much as I hate hurting him.

“Please, don’t act like this is something we will regret. This is a choice; it’s our choice. We can be together,” he begs.

“For now. Maybe we can be together for a while, but I can’t be your Luna. This won’t last. It’s not right. It’s not our destiny.”

“What about your big speech at the Pack House? You’re allowed to decide your own fate, but I’m not?”

No! I’m not wording this right, and he’s not understanding. How can I explain? How can I make him see the truth? What I said at the Pack House was true, but it’s complicated. I was talking about Angelica’s prophecy being uncertain. I didn’t deny the existence of my mate. By the will of the Moon Goddess who made us all, Marcel will always be a part of me. And someone else will be a part of Dorian. It’s inevitable.

“This is about more than our fates. You have a responsibility to the pack, and so do I. How can you lead when you don’t have your true mate by your side? Bonding with me like that would just hold you back.”

“You could never hold me back.”

I know he really believes it. He believes in us with every fiber of his being, and it’s almost enough to break me.

Almost.

“I will, when you meet your mate. Sooner or later, the world will bring the two of you together. As surely as a full moon will rise, you will belong to each other. You will be bound together, and I’ll just get in the way.”

It tears me apart, but I know it’s true. He doesn’t know because he’s new to this world. He grew up among humans and was raised by parents who never fully mated. He hasn’t seen the power of that magic, but I have. I was surrounded by it my whole life. I watched it hold my parents together like gravity, and I watched it die when my father was killed. Only death can break a bond like that, and even then, I’m not so sure.

“How can you say that? I don’t want some other person. I want you. Even if you’re right and destiny brings me to my mate, I’ll still be me. I’ll send her away, or I’ll walk away myself. You did it with Marcel, and I’ll do it too. I choose you. Over and over again, for as long as I live, I’ll choose you.”

Of all the things he could have said, that was the worst. I can damn my soul by rejecting my mate. I can suffer the consequences of refusing the will of the Goddess. I can spend the rest of my life regretting what I did to Marcel if I have to.

But not him.

I can’t let Dorian give up his chance at true love to be with me. Not because it would offend the powers of the moon, and not just because it could bring ruin to our entire pack. I can’t do it to him. I won’t let him tear his own soul apart to be with me. I can’t let him damn himself for me.

“I know you would, Dorian. But I don’t want you to,” I say with a shaky breath. The breaking goes beyond my heart, and the sorrow that fills me is so intense that it feels like the bones in my body are snapping. Every fiber of my being is torn to shreds, and I have to turn away from him. If I look at him, I won’t have the strength to do what needs to be done.

“Maybe this was a mistake after all. You have your duties as Alpha, and I… I should go.”

He grabs my hand in one last desperate attempt, but I won’t turn to face him. Instead, I bite my tongue until my mouth is filled with the metallic taste of blood and then yank my hand out of his grasp and walk away.

This time I don’t cry. The rain has washed away all the tears I might have shed, draining me of everything as I force myself to put one foot in front of the other.

I have to be strong.