Chapter 121 His Widow

Chapter 121 His Widow
Lyanna

Ridan waited until Elias and Asha were out of earshot.
We had stopped beneath a rocky overhang shortly after midday because the horses needed water and my back had begun aching again. Elias had gone with Asha to inspect the trail ahead after finding fresh hoofprints near the stream.
I was fastening the remains of our bread into a cloth when Ridan approached.
“My lady.”
The title warned me before his expression did.
“Lyanna.”
His jaw tightened slightly. “Lyanna.”
I finished tying the cloth.
“What is it?”
He sat across from me, leaving enough space between us that the conversation immediately felt deliberate.
“I owe you an apology for yesterday.”
“For which part?”
His mouth tightened.
“I should not have used Rubin against Veras.”
“No.”
“I was angry.”
“I noticed.”
Ridan looked toward the trees through which Elias had disappeared.
“When I crossed into Drakovia, I thought I would find both of you.”
The irritation I had been holding softened despite myself.
“I know.”
“I thought Rubin was still searching somewhere ahead of me. Every abandoned camp, every rumour about Aelorian soldiers, I thought it might be him.” He rubbed his thumb across the leather covering his knee. “Then I found you and learned he had been dead while I was still following him.”
I lowered my eyes.
Ridan continued more quietly. “He never knew about the child.”
My hand moved over my stomach.
“No.”
“He would have wanted to know.”
The simple words hurt more than anything else he could have said.
I had imagined telling Rubin too many times. I had imagined his shock, his ridiculous pride and the way he would have begun planning before I finished speaking. I had imagined a future that had never existed anywhere except inside my own head.
“I wish he had.”
“So do I.”
Ridan's eyes remained on my hand for a moment before he looked away.
“I came here intending to apologize, and I am about to do a poor job of it.”
“Then perhaps stop while you are ahead.”
A breath left him that held no amusement.
“I can't.”
I waited.
“Do you understand what this will look like when we reach Aeloria?”
The question caught me off guard.
“What what will look like?”
“You and Veras.”
My fingers tightened around the cloth.
“I haven't thought that far.”
“You need to.”
Something in his tone made my back straighten.
“To whom?”
“The Aramesis, for one. Rubin's officers. People who knew you both. They may honour Veras for bringing you home, but that does not mean they will overlook what is between you.”
“They do not have to overlook anything.”
“No. But they will see it.”
“So do you.”
Ridan met my eyes.
“Yes.”
There was enough in the answer to make me put the bread aside.
“What does it look like to you?”
For once, he seemed unwilling to answer.
I waited until he did.
“It looks fast.”
The words were quiet.
I stared at him.
Ridan's gaze dropped briefly before returning to mine.
“I know months have passed for you. I know I wasn't there for any of them. But I was with Rubin while he searched, and now I have had only days to understand that he is dead.” His mouth tightened around whatever else he wanted to say. “Then I found you with Veras.”
The guilt came before I could stop it.
Ridan saw enough in my face that he should have stopped.
Instead, grief carried him forward.
“Rubin's grave is barely cold, Lyanna.”
I forgot to breathe.
I looked down at the curve beneath my cloak and remembered Rubin dying somewhere in Drakovia while I was still surviving one day at a time. I had not known. I had slept beside Elias, reached for him, wanted him and let that wanting grow while the man I had married lay dead.
Knowing I had done nothing wrong had never stopped that knowledge from hurting.
“I know when Rubin died.”
“I know you do.”
“Then what are you asking me?”
Ridan's jaw worked before he answered.
“I watched you with Veras last night.”
My face went hot.
He looked ashamed already, but the words came anyway.
“I saw the way you went to him. I saw you settle into his arms as though that was where you belonged, and all I could think about was Rubin searching half this damned country because he wanted you back.”
“Ridan.”
“How can you bear to have him touch you when Rubin has barely been buried?”
The cold that moved through me extinguished the guilt beneath it.
Ridan seemed to realize what he had said as soon as he saw my face.
I stood.
He rose too.
“Lyanna—”
“No.”
My voice scraped painfully, but I continued.
“You do not get to ask me that.”
“I shouldn't have.”
“You should not have even believed you had the right.”
His face tightened. “I loved him too.”
“I know you did.”
“He was my commander.”
“He was my husband.”
That stopped him.
I stepped closer.
“I loved Rubin. I still love Rubin. I wake some mornings and remember again that he is dead. I am carrying a child he will never hold, and there are moments when the baby moves and I think of him before I think of anything else.”
My throat had begun to burn, but I forced the next words through it.
“And I want Elias.”
Ridan flinched.
I did not soften it for him.
“I want his hands on me. I want to sleep beside him. I look for him when he leaves my sight, and when he comes back, some part of me settles because he is there. None of that dug Rubin's grave deeper.”
Ridan looked away.
“Do you think wanting Elias made my husband disappear?”
“No.”
“Then stop asking me to prove I mourn Rubin by making myself lonelier.”
His eyes came back to mine.
“I watched him destroy himself looking for you.”
“And you think I don't know what that means?”
“I think you never saw it.”
“No, I was busy being imprisoned.”
The words silenced him.
My throat burned badly enough that the next attempt at speech broke into a cough. I pressed my fist against my mouth until it passed.
When Ridan moved toward me, I raised one hand to stop him and finished with my hands.
You served Rubin.
Ridan watched the signs he knew from years around Aelorian camps.
You loved him. You followed him. You grieve him.
My hands shook, but I did not lower them.
You did not inherit me when he died.
Ridan went utterly still.
You do not own his place in my life, and you do not decide what I am allowed to feel after him.
His eyes dropped.
For several seconds, the only sound between us came from the stream.
When Ridan finally looked up, the anger had gone out of his face.
“You're right.”
I said nothing.
“I had no right to ask you that.”
I nodded once.
He rubbed a hand across his mouth before looking toward the trees.
“But there is something you need to hear, even if you never forgive me for the rest.”
I waited.
“The Aramesis may thank Veras for saving you. They may shelter him because you ask it. Some of Rubin's men may even defend him once they hear what he did.”
His hesitation frightened me more than his anger had.
“But?”
“They do not have to accept him beside you.”
My stomach tightened.
Ridan's eyes dropped toward my belly.
“Especially not beside Rubin's child.”
I stared at him.
“He is my child.”
“I know.”
“Then what I decide matters.”
“To you, yes. It should matter most.” His expression twisted. “That does not mean everyone waiting for you will agree.”
I thought of the name I carried, the household Rubin had left behind and a family I had not seen since before the war. Until now, Aeloria had existed in my mind as the end of the road, the place where soldiers stopped hunting us and I no longer had to hide what I was.
I had never imagined arriving.
Footsteps sounded among the trees, and I turned as Elias appeared first, ducking beneath a branch on his way down the slope. Asha followed several paces behind him, but Elias's eyes found me almost immediately, and whatever he saw made him slow.
His hand moved near his side.
All right?
The question was small enough that Ridan did not notice it.
I should have answered. Instead, I looked at Elias standing beneath Drakovian trees with a sword at his hip and a price on his head because he had chosen this road with me.
For months, I had been afraid we would never reach Aeloria.
Until that moment, it had never occurred to me to be afraid that we would.