Chapter Eight - Is it possible to love both?

**Nickolai**

A piece of fucked up shit. This is how I feel every morning when I wake up and every night when I finally go to bed. After the reception ball, Father began my training straight for the throne. This meant that I attended every scheduled meeting with the King and then took classes in planning, tactics and economic context... with my father.

In other words, I spent the whole day looking into my father's eyes. Eyes that looked at me expectantly. Who expected nothing less than perfection from me in my answers, reactions and even my questions. The eyes of someone who thought I should have chosen my future queen at the reception ball.

It's true that my father started all this competition madness, wanting me to have a say in choosing the next Queen. However, since I was a teenager, Dad already knew who his fans were for.

Every time I asked why he didn't choose my bride for me, he said he didn't want to seal my fate like my grandfather sealed his. Which gave me two options to increase my chances of finding happiness. And, as a bonus, be fair to your best friend's two wives.

Sometimes I just wish he was a big asshole.

He would make things easier.

And speaking of making things easier, I look up once again. On the other side of the royal library stood Soreh Demetrius. My heart still raced just seeing him. That's because, all those years ago, this was the man who took my virginity and taught me the pleasures of sex. He was the one who taught me that it was possible to be attracted to men and women, but not only that - it was possible to fall in love and love anyone.

Not surprisingly, Demetrius was the first member of the nobility to marry a man.

You see, our kingdom has never been against same-sex sexual relations. It was a common practice among the natives of our land and homosexual marriages had the same value under the law as marriages between men and women.

However, the years of Dutch colonization caused these relationships to return to the closet and remain on a sexual level only. Or hidden in triple marriages, which have also been allowed in the country for years and are more common than marriages between just two people.

Things only changed when my father took the throne and made the Free Love Law official, which allows same-sex marriage. It was a breakthrough and many marriages have been made official since then. The nobility, as always, took a few years to accept this change. But after Demetrius's courage, some other gay marriages took place.

And because he means so much to me and to the history of this castle, I approach him to talk. I need some light on all this confusion in my head. And if anyone can help me without judging, it's Demetrius.

- My prince - Demetrius greets, bowing, upon noticing my approach - It's good to see you again.

- I say the same, Demetrius - I smile - Can we go out to talk?

- Sure. Tell me the way.

We leave the library and head towards one of the castle's balconies. I rest my arms on the railing and face the royal garden. Demetrius watches me carefully and I feel my body shiver. We still have some chemistry...

- What torments you, Nikco?

- Always direct - I laugh - Well, I needed to talk about... Them.

- Something has changed, hasn't it?

- Yes - I look into his brown eyes - Ailenna and I have something. Chemical. The overwhelming kind.

- And you don't know what that means.

- Exactly. What does chemistry mean, after all? Good sex? Not enough for a royal wedding.

- No, it's not - he says then pauses. Demetrius approaches and I stop - Nikco, do you still feel chemistry between us?

- Yes - I say, without fear or shame.

Demetrius taught me not to be ashamed of sex, or desires. I would never lie to him about that.

- I also feel it. But see, I am madly in love with my husband, so I would never lift a finger to touch you in a sexual way. What I feel for him goes beyond sex, beyond chemistry. It's a reunion of souls.

- I know - I say, smiling - You were snared.

- Yes, I was - he laughs - But, before I met my husband, I was dating a woman.

- I didn't know...

But it made sense. Demetrius and I only saw each other when I was at the castle, and to be honest, I didn't spend many months at the castle each year. In fact, I didn't come here for the last years.

- Yes, I was with someone. She was a high-ranking Sorah. Beautiful, smart and sexy. I was in love with her, I really was. So, I met Pietro - Demetrius smiles - At first, it wasn't strong. I felt attraction, of course, but nothing that wasn't controllable. Until it wasn't anymore. I wanted to see him more and more often, I wanted to touch him, hear him... My girlfriend noticed.

- And what did she do?

- She is an incredible human being. And she loved me as much as I loved her. She hugged me one day and said she was breaking up with me. That she knew I didn't betray her, but that I was enchanted with someone else - he shakes his head, as if the memories could go away from his head - So, she told me to go to him and kiss him, love him and date him if I had to. Live this feeling. Because, even if she and I got back together in the end, she would never forgive herself for not letting me experience that feeling.

- Wow.

-Yes, wow - he laughs - I went to Pietro and told him about the broke up and that I wanted to date him. He accepted... And we broke up two months later.

- What? Serious?

- Seriously - Demetrius sighed - I still loved my ex and held back a lot. I didn't give myself to him like I should have. He knew and he kicked my ass.

- Then? How did you end up getting married?

- I spent a month without seeing him. I almost went crazy. Then I knew: even if I loved Jasmine, I could live without her. But I could never live without Pietro. He is my air.

I remain silent, absorbing his words. How did this help me decide between Ailenna and Marianne? Anything. But I felt less guilty about being attracted to both. I felt more... Normal?

- I think I understand what you meant - I say to Demetrius.

- Good. But Nikco, get one thing in your head: you will feel chemistry with different people. You and I are an example. I know you have a certain chemistry with both of them, although with Sorah Ailenna it's much more sexual.

- It's raw.

- Yes, I see it in your eyes - Demetrius smiles - However, I also see your smiles with Sorah Marienne. So, I advise you to use these months to see beyond the sex with Ailenna and beyond the smiles with Marienne. Live both feelings intensely and see who you can't live without - he shrugs - After all, the King is the only man in Luavyn who can't have two wives. So learn to make difficult choices. This is just the first of your long reign, my prince.

It made sense. I nod and smile at him. But deep down, an annoying little voice insisted on reminding me of something:

*Things have only gotten more complicated now.*