Chapter 122 The pain in me
>>Seraphina
A sharp sting jolted me awake, the sensation of a slap still lingering on my cheek when my eyes shot open
"Huh?" Disoriented, I blinked against the sudden intrusion, my surroundings slowly coming into focus, "What?" My mind felt a little dizzy as I sat up immediately but it soon settled down.
I blinked a few times, letting my eyes adjust to the light. There was something soft under me and I realized I was no longer on the cold pavement but lying on an elevated surface.
A glance around revealed a small but surprisingly neat and cozy apartment.
I frowned? An apartment? Where the hell am I? The air carried the scent of cleanliness, and the muted colors of the furnishings exuded a simple yet inviting warmth. The contrast with the gritty reality of the city streets only moments ago was stark, leaving me momentarily bewildered.
What the hell? What is going on?!
"Sera!" Eris's voice made me look at her. She was standing by the couch I was on, staring at me.
"Eri!" I immediately hugged her, "Oh God! Are you okay!?" The rest of everything faded away when I saw her face.
"Yea," She replied in a muffled voice as I squeezed her in me.
"Oh, Thank God," I let out a sigh of relief, "They didn't do anything bad to you?" I pulled her apart, with my hands on her shoulders I asked her firmly, "Did anyone hit you?"
She shook her head, "No," She looked fine no matter how I looked at her,
"Are you sure?" I examined her, "Did someone threaten you? Or anything like that?"
"No," She innocently shook her head again, "The guy who took me made me pancakes,"
"Pancakes?" I was surprised. That muscular guy made her pancakes? I then remembered that Azef told him to do that... I thought it was some code for something bad but I guess not...
"Yea," She nervously clasped her hands together, "They were yummy,"
...
And he listened to my plea and let me see my sister...
I took my hands off of her, "I see," Rubbing my cheek she had slapped to wake me up, I surveyed the unfamiliar space, "Eri?" I looked at her again as I moved and touched my feet on the floor, "Do you know how I came here?" The last thing I remember was losing consciousness, "Or who brought me here?"
It was quite embarrassing now that I think about it. I can't believe I just fainted, just like that. Was I that stressed?
She nodded her head, there was nothing I noticed in her gaze as she looked back at me.
They sparkled
"That hensom big brother," She made a carry gesture with her arms, "Bought you here in his arms,"
!!!?
"Who?" I was skeptical about what I just heard, "Someone brought me here in his arms?" That made me feel weird, "That guy with gray hair?" I asked and she nodded.
What the...
He carried me in his arms!?! I got up feeling a weird sense of shyness. What? Why would he do that?! I looked around and began to walk. From the looks of it when I fell on the pavement, it seemed like he had no intention of helping me out.
On the contrary, he looked annoyed. I thought he'd just leave me on the side of the road and drive away!! I pursed my lips as I wandered, that's when my eyes landed on a bag.
Oh!
It was a suitcase. One I recognized. Why? Because it was my suitcase. Did he pack my clothes too or something? I stopped and stared at the case, unable to understand what was happening.
I felt a hand grab my pants, "Sera,"
!!
I looked back and saw Eri's eyes shining.
"What is it?" I asked.
"Are we going to live here from now on?" She asked, there was a subtle blush across her cheeks, one indicating that her heart was pounding.
"What makes you say that?" I crouched down in front of her.
"That big brother said we were going to live here from now on," I could tell she was excited,
Oh...
I guess this is the place he said he'd keep us.
"Yea," I replied, "I guess this is the place."
"Really?" Her eyes shone brighter, "We're really going to live here? Just you and me?" This was the first time I had seen her so happy. Why though? We lived together before too. We've lived together all our lives.
"Yes," I nodded and her smile got wider.
"Without dad?" Oh, Her excitement made sense, "Just you and me, right!"
"Yea," I answered, "Without dad,"
She jumped into me and wrapped her tiny arms around me, "Yay! I'm so happy!"
...
It was a shock to me. I slowly hugged her back too, but I realized how much Eris was suffering in that house. It wasn't only me who was distressed.
I hugged her tighter. She was suffering as well. I had not seen her this excited about anything for a long while now.
"Me too," I lied to her as I placed my cheek over her head, "I'm happy we're here."
For the first time in a while Eris went to sleep awfully fast. It was as if she wasn't worried about anything.
...
No, she wasn't worried about dad coming home and making a fuss. Or those debt collectors banging on our door.
I had my hand over her chest as she slept on the bed. I was on the floor, staring at her sleeping face in the dark. There was silence around us, it was unlike our house where there was always some kind of weird noise, may it be a machine's, the traffic, the hooligans lurking around, the stray animals or people fighting. But it was quiet here.
A bit too quiet,
And that allowed my thoughts to begin eating me.
I tried to kill us today...
I removed my hands from her and turned away, facing the wall as I leaned against the bedside.
Does Eris understand what I tried to do to her today? Does she know I tried to kill her?
Probably not...
She wouldn't want to live with me and be so happy if she knew... Right?
...
Does she even know what death is? Or kind of a horrible person I am?
My eyes stung again. My chest felt constricted and I grabbed my phone.
My suicidal thoughts haven't gone away.
I still wish I had got to do it. I wish I had drowned. All my problems are still there. I may have changed the place I'm living temporarily but it's not like they won't find me here.
My debt is there. A debt I had nothing to do with but I still have to shoulder it, just because I'm my father's daughter.
I opened the text app, then glanced at Eris,
Azef's words came back to me.
'I don't take pity on people who can't do things for themselves'
It's not that I haven't tried...
There were countless times where I was ready to run away. I could maybe sleep on the street, under some bridge, or anything. But, I just couldn't ever bring myself to abandon Eris. I had taken care of her since her birth. More than a sister, she was like my own daughter.
I opened the chat with Mom and continued to stare at the one-sided texts I had been sending her. It's been years since I started doing this. It has always made me feel better but will it do the same today?
I looked up, my eyes looking for some sort of sign but there was nothing up other than the ceiling. So I looked back at the texts.
If Mon's watching over me, is she disappointed in me right now? Does she know what I pulled today?
'Dear Mom,' I typed the text as the tip of my nose began to itch as I tried to hold back my tears, 'I tried to kill us today' I sniffled, 'I wanted to die today.' I told her
...
'I'm sorry,'
I sent the text, then stared at it. In the hushed solitude of the small apartment, the weight of regret settled heavily on my shoulders. A surge of emotion welled up, and before I could stop it, tears spilled down my cheeks.
"I'm so sorry," I whispered, unable to look at Eris's face, "I'm just-" My words choked. The silent sobs wracked my body as I grappled with the overwhelming sense of despair. It felt like a deluge, an uncontrollable release of pent-up frustration, disappointment, and the bitter taste of unfulfilled dreams, "I'm sorry, I just-" I sniffled, "I just can't take it anymore."
There were so many fears in me, but no one to help calm them. So many problems, but no one to help me through them. So many wishes, but no one to even ask about them.
In the midst of my tears, I couldn't help but question every decision that led me to this point. My head hurt and I had no idea what to do. I sniffled, the droplets streaming down my cheeks, till the edge of my jaw, then jumping from my face and landing on the screen.
"Mom," I gripped the phone in my hands tightly, "Please, can't you come and take me?"
My vision was blurry, all fogged up. I could feel the tears get attached to my lashes and bog up my view, yet I kept my eyes on the screen.
I sniffled again, trying to keep my sobs low and quiet. I didn't want Eris to wake up.
My breathing ragged and I gulped down to allow myself to take a normal breath.
That's when I saw something on the screen of my phone.
In my Mom's chat,
There was someone typing on the other end.