Chapter 44 Nikolai
Hours passed, and still no news about Anya.
And I was losing my mind.
The entire city of Moscow was on lockdown. Every border. Every seaport. Every airport. Every train station.
Guards searched everywhere. They even searched churches. And still couldn't find her.
I became something worse than a monster. I became death itself.
Every hour that passed without news, I killed someone.
Blood stained the marble floors of my estate. The beautiful white marble that Anya used to clean was now stained red.
Bodies piled up in the courtyard.
Mikhail tried to stop me.
"This is not you," he said. Over and over. "This is not who you are."
But he was wrong. This was exactly who I was. A monster. My father's son. And without Anya to balance the darkness, there was nothing holding me back anymore. The only light in my darkness had been stolen from me.
The estate became silent, cold and deadly. Like a tomb.
Maids walked on tiptoes. Guards spoke in whispers. Everyone moved like ghosts, afraid that any sound, any movement would draw my attention.
And they were right to be afraid.
Towards evening, I called for a meeting.
Everyone gathered in the main hall. Their faces were as pale as death. Their hands trembled.
Mikhail stood beside me. But there was a visible distance between us now. He knew better than to get too close.
The knife wound in his shoulder was bandaged crudely. But blood still seeped through the white fabric. I had refused to let him see a proper doctor.
He deserved the pain. This was all his fault. Every drop of blood was on his hands.
"Report," I said. My voice was dead, like it was coming from a corpse.
The first group leader stepped forward. His name was Sergei. He had been with my family for fifteen years.
"Pakhan, we searched the entire south district. Every building. Every street. Every alley. We questioned…"
"Did you find her?" I interrupted.
His face became white. "No, but…"
"Then you have nothing to report." I stared at him.
"Pakhan, please. We are doing everything we can. We have questioned hundreds of people. We have searched thousands of locations. We have used every resource. We have…"
"Did. You. Find. Her?" I asked again.
Sergei swallowed hard. His Adam's apple bobbed. "No, Pakhan. Not yet. But I swear we will."
Without even blinking, I pulled Mikhail's gun from his holster.
Mikhail tensed beside me. His good hand moved towards me. "Nikolai, wait…"
But I was already raising the gun, pointing it at Sergei’s head.
"Please! Pakhan! I have a family! I have children!" Sergei begged. His eyes were wide with terror.
"So do I," I said coldly. "And you failed to bring her to me."
I pulled the trigger.
The gunshot echoed through the hall like thunder. Sergei's body crumpled to the floor. His head snapped back. Blood and brain matter sprayed across the marble.
The silence that followed was deafening.
I turned to the rest of them, still holding the gun.
"That is how serious this is," I said calmly. "Every hour that passes without finding Anya, someone dies. I do not care who. I do not care how loyal you have been. I do not care about your families. Your children. Your wives. Find her! Or you join him."
I pointed at Sergei's corpse. Blood was still pooling around his ruined head.
"Yes, Pakhan!" They shouted in unison.
"Get out. All of you. And do not come back without her." I waved the gun dismissively. "If I see any of your faces again without Anya beside you, you die. Understood?"
"Yes, Pakhan!"
They scattered, tripping over each other in their rush to escape.
Only Mikhail remained. Standing there.
"You are losing yourself," he said quietly. "This is not you, Nikolai."
"You are right. This is not me." I turned to him and looked him dead in the eyes. "The old me would have put a bullet in your brain the moment Anya disappeared. But I am giving you a chance. Find her and bring her back to me. Or I will put a bullet in your head too."
"Nikolai…"
"Get out!" I roared. My voice cracked. My hand shook as I pointed the gun at him. "Before I change my mind!"
Mikhail looked at me for a long moment. Then he left, holding his wounded shoulder.
I stood alone in the hall with the corpse of a man who had served me faithfully for fifteen years.
And I felt nothing except the gaping hole in my chest where Anya used to be.
Night came.
I sat in my study, staring at nothing.
Then I shut my eyes. And just for a moment I saw it.
I saw myself. The twelve-year-old version, sitting in the corner of my study. He was crying. His hands were bloody from clawing at walls.
I opened them immediately but he was still there. Not in the cellar. Right here in my office.
I blinked to clear my vision but he was still there.
I looked around. All the lights were on.
How is this possible?
I blinked again. He was still there, staring at me.
"You are weak," the boy laughed mockingly. His voice was deep, not like a twelve year old."You let them take her. You failed to protect her. Just like you failed mother!"
"Shut up," I whispered. My hands gripped the arms of my chair. "You are not real."
"I am you. The part you tried to kill when father locked you in that cellar." The boy stood up and started walking closer. Blood dripped from his fingers onto my expensive carpet. "Now Anya is gone. Just like mother."
"I said shut up!" I grabbed my glass and threw it at the hallucination.
It shattered against the wall. Whiskey dripped down. The boy vanished. But then I saw him again. Everywhere I looked. In every corner. He was crying, bleeding and accusing me with those wide, terrified eyes.
"You are nothing without her," the boy whispered from behind me. I spun around. He was there. "Just a monster. Just like Father. He was right about you. You destroy everything you touch."
My chest tightened. I could not breathe. The walls started closing in again.
No. No, not now. The lights are on! This should not be happening!
But it did not matter. The panic came anyway. Worse than before.
I fell to my knees and grabbed my chest. I gasped for air that would not come. My lungs felt like they were filled with water.
"Mikhail!" Someone shouted from outside. "Get Mikhail! The Pakhan is…"
I did not hear the rest. Everything was spinning and fading. The lights became too bright.
Mikhail burst in. "Get the doctors! Now! Hurry!"
"No!" I gasped. "No doctors. Get out. All of you. Out!"
"Nikolai, you need help…"
"I said out!" I screamed. My vision blurred with tears. "Get out! Leave me alone! I do not need doctors! I need her! I need Anya!"
They hesitated. Mikhail took a step towards me.
"Leave!" I threw whatever I could reach. "Get out before I kill you all!"
They left, closing the door behind them.
I was alone again, with my twelve year old self, laughing and making fun of me.
"Anya!" I screamed her name. Over and over until my voice was raw. "Anya! Please! Come back! Please! I need you!"
But she did not come.
I collapsed on the floor. And for the first time in twenty years, I cried.
"Anya," I whispered one more time.
Then everything went blank.