Chapter 27 Anya
Mikhail stood at my door, grinning like he had just won an award.
"So the Pakhan will not be coming tonight," he said again. "He is with his fiancée. Where he belongs."
"I heard you the first time," I said coldly.
"Did you? Because you look quite shocked."
"Get out."
"He is probably holding her right now. The way he held you last night. Or maybe doing more than just holding." Mikhail's grin widened. "After all, she is his real woman. You are just a tool he uses when he is bored."
"I said get out!" My voice cracked.
"Goodnight, Anya. Try not to cry too loud. The walls are thin." He chuckled and walked away.
I slammed the door shut and locked it. Then pressed my back against it and slid to the floor.
Tears came immediately.
He was with Katya right now. In her house. In her bed!
I was so stupid. So foolish to think the white rose meant something. To think last night meant something. To think I meant anything.
I was nothing but a tool. Just a body he used to sleep.
And now he did not even need me for that anymore.
I crawled to my bed, buried my face in the pillow and cried until my throat hurt.
I hated him. I hated Nikolai. I hated everything about him.
I hated the way he had held me last night. I hated the way he had whispered those words. I hated the way he had made me believe I mattered.
But most of all, I hated myself. For being weak. For caring. For falling for a man who could never love me back.
Hours passed but I could not sleep. I could not stop crying and thinking.
I imagined Nikolai with Katya. His hands on her waist. Her back pressed against his chest. Just the way he had held me.
Were they doing more than sleeping? Was he kissing her? Was he touching her? Or making love to her?
The thoughts made me sick. It made my chest hurt. It made me want to scream.
This feeling was strange and painful. I had never felt this way before.
Was this jealousy? Was this what it felt like to care about someone who did not care back?
I cried until I had no more tears. Until my eyes were swollen shut. Until my body was exhausted.
Then finally, I fell asleep.
But my sleep was not peaceful. I dreamed of Nikolai. Of him walking past me, ignoring me and moving on with Katya.
In my dream, I heard a knock on my door. I ignored it, but it cake again.
My eyes flew open. It wasn't a dream?
What time was it? I looked at the clock and it was six in the morning already.
Who could be knocking at this time?
The knocking came the third time.
I stood up in anger.
It was probably Mikhail.
Had he come to mock me again? To tell me more about how Nikolai spent the night with Katya?
Anger flooded through me.
I stomped to the door
"Go tell your boss to go fuck himself!" I shouted without opening it.
"I cannot fuck myself." A familiar voice replied. It was tired and low.
I froze.
That voice. That deep, rough voice that I knew so well.
"Nikolai?" I whispered.
"Yes."
My hands trembled as I opened the door.
And what I saw made me freeze completely.
Nikolai was standing at my door. Still wearing the same black clothes from yesterday. The same jacket with the fur collar.
But he looked terrible.
His eyes were red and swollen with dark circles underneath. His hair was disheveled like he had been running his hands through it all night. His face was pale. His hands were shaking.
He looked like hell.
He looked like he had not slept at all.
"Nikolai?" I said again. My anger melted away. "What happened to you?"
"Can I come in?" His voice was hoarse. Broken. "I have not slept. I could not sleep without you."
My heart stopped.
He could not sleep without me.
He was not with Katya. At least not in the way I thought.
"You..." I started. My voice shook. "You look terrible."
"I know." He swayed slightly. "I spent all night at Katya's father's estate. But I could not sleep. I tried. I tried so hard. But without you..."
He trailed off. His eyes closed and he stumbled forward.
I barely caught him. He was so much bigger than me. So much heavier.
"Nikolai!"
"Sorry." He opened his eyes. They were glassy and unfocused. "I just need to sleep. Please. Help me sleep."
I helped him inside and led him to my bed. He collapsed onto it like his strings had been cut.
"You should have come home," I whispered.
"I wanted to. God, I wanted to." His voice was muffled by the pillow. "But Mikhail said I had to stay and prove that you meant nothing. And I did it to keep you safe."
"Do I mean nothing?" The question came out before I could stop it.
Nikolai turned his head and looked at me with those red, exhausted eyes.
"No," he said simply. "You mean everything."
My breath caught.
He seemed to be talking from unconsciousness but I was too foolish to care.
"Then why did you ignore me yesterday? Why did you walk past me like I did not exist?"
"Because Mikhail was watching. And I had to ..." He closed his eyes. "I am sorry. I am so sorry, Anya. I hurt you. I saw your face. I saw the rose fall. And it killed me."
Tears filled my eyes again. But this time they were different. I wasn't angry and hurt.
"You are an idiot," I whispered.
"I know."
"A complete idiot."
"I know."
"I hate you."
"I know." He reached out and took my hand. "But please. Let me stay. Just for a few hours. I need to sleep. I cannot function without sleep."
I should have said no. I should have made him leave and made him suffer the way he made me suffer.
But looking at him. At his exhausted face. At his shaking hands. At the desperation in his eyes.
I could not do it.
"Fine," I said. "But only because you look like you are about to die."
"Thank you." He pulled me down onto the bed, wrapped his arms around me and buried his face in my hair. "Thank you, Anya."
Within seconds, his breathing evened out. He was asleep.
I lay there in his arms. Feeling his warmth. His heartbeat. His chest rising and falling.
He had come back. Even though he was supposed to be with Katya. Even though he was supposed to prove I meant nothing.
He had come back.