Chapter 54 Grace Goes Back Alone
“I can’t go back with you,” he had finally admitted. He had struggled with the reality of the situation all summer long. Bringing the actual words to his lips and forming the sounds which communicated what was going on deep inside his soul had been one of the most difficult tasks he had ever undertaken. When it was time to say it, the words burst out.
Grace paused from the business of packing their things and looked up at him. Her face turned pale with shock. She had been aware of his struggle throughout the summer. A part of her suspected that things would turn in this direction, but she had chosen to believe that they would be returning to their jobs in New York at the end of the summer, just like they had planned, and that Evan would have had this out of his system. “What are you going to do?” she whispered. The initial shock gave way to a very weak acceptance of the thing that she had feared.
“I’m going to stay here through the fall,” he said. The winter there would be bitterly cold, and the deep snow would more or less seal him in. He considered a snowmobile with a toboggan to haul in supplies, but a snowmobile was somewhat limited. He had been thinking about a snow cat and had already made plans in his mind to take a look at one when he got to town. He would take the horses down to the ranch in the valley. He would be holed up there all winter, and he wondered how well he would deal with cabin fever.
“Are you going to spend the winter up here, too?” she asked. The hurt of his decision was becoming heavier for her to bear, though she was trying to remain strong and accepting. It was only a faze that he was going through. It wasn’t real, right? In the quieter places of her mind, there was a haunting whisper that told her that it was very real. He had chosen something other than her. She fought to keep the whisper from taking over her thoughts and emotions.
“I was considering it,” he said. The butterflies that were fluttering about in his stomach when he was working himself up to tell her of his decision had turned to a nauseous sensation that threatened to have him spilling his breakfast, though he had eaten little due to the preoccupation of his thoughts in anticipation of this conversation. He decided to rush on ahead and get it all over with. “I really had hoped that you would stay, but I understand that you can’t.”
“You never asked me to,” she replied. She already knew that she would have told him no and that there was no reason for him to ask. She had felt a distance growing between them. Some softly whispered warnings had gone off in her mind the night before when they were making love. They told her to relish the moment because it might be their last.
“I didn’t need to,” he said. As he looked into her eyes, he could see that she was fighting back tears. He was holding back the ones that were pushing their way toward his eyelids as well. The night before, he had slowly and tenderly caressed and adored her trim, perfectly shaped body. He had lingered upon the feel of her soft skin and adorned her with an uncountable number of kisses that covered every part of her body. He realized that in many ways, he was in love with her shape and her beauty as much as he was with the person who made up Grace. He had absorbed every sight, sound, and sensation that was a part of making love to Grace, just as a man who has been sentenced to be executed enjoys his last meal.
Now, in the lingering silence between them, he relived the moment of passion that they had shared and felt himself weaken. “I’ll help you get your stuff together and get you back to town so that you can be on your way,” he plunged ahead. It was the only defense that he had against the feelings that were working up inside of him.
“Okay then,” she said. She forced strength into her voice. “Just give me a few minutes. Those bags are ready,” she said, indicating a couple of bags that were already packed. It was a means of pushing aside the awkwardness that had moved up between them.
Evan loaded the bags and lingered near the pickup, giving her time. He didn’t want to “crowd her”. He recalled where he had learned the term. Like so many others that he used daily, he had learned the phrase from his grandpa. When they were driving cattle through a gate or some other tight spot, his grandpa would always say, “Don’t crowd ‘em, give ‘em some time.” When a herd of cattle was pushed too hard in a tight spot they would rebel and the consequence was a huge mess of individuals and small groups of animals bursting out of the herd and causing all kinds of issues. Given time, the animals would slowly work things out for themselves, and the stress of a blow-up was avoided. He saw the door opening and rushed forward to help her with the final bags that she was struggling to bring through the door.
Once her things were loaded in the truck, the two of them slipped into the pickup and turned out of the yard of the homestead and on the road to town. She would have to take a bus to Denver to the airport and from there be on her way back to New York. The silence on that drive was louder than the roaring of Clear Creek Falls. Both were struggling with thoughts that neither was able nor willing to express. Evan wondered if a discussion was necessary or if the two of them should just let things be as they were and not stir up anything that was either irrelevant or that they might regret. Each of them believed that the other would eventually come around and that there was no sense in forcing the issue. They understood the differences between them.
The parting at the bus station was even more awkward and forced. They tried not to linger over it, but each of them felt that decorum and respect were called for, and those two duties required some civil conversation. “Do you have everything?” he asked to fill the long silence.
“I think so,” she replied.
“Well,” he said. “Anything you left will still be there when you come back.” He had dropped the subtle hint that he believed that she would return.
“Or you can bring it to me,” she replied. She just as stubbornly clung to her own belief that he would get this craziness out of his system and come back to her.
Each of them knew what was behind the comments of the others. “Well, we’ll figure it out,” he said. He was rescued from further conversation by the arrival of the bus. He eagerly took to the task of loading her bags and tending to her things as a means of avoiding further awkward conversation. When she was ready to board, he embraced her, kissed her long and deep, and then looked intently into her eyes. Both of them had tears lingering on the brim of their eyelids, and an understanding of what this moment meant was not far behind them. A thousand different thoughts rushed through his mind as he looked at her. He loved her. He would always love her. She had been an incredible part of his life, but the call of the mountains and the purpose of his life were much stronger. He shored up his sinking doubts and mustered a weak grin. “I’ll see ya’ soon.”
“Yeah,” she replied. “Bye, Evan.” Another lingering kiss brought the tears over the ledge where they began to plunge down her cheeks. She allowed them to streak down through her light makeup as though she were proud to display them, but he quickly wiped his away so that no one would see them. Without another word, they turned away from each other.