Chapter 38 Numbness
Alexandra propped herself up with pillows and flipped on the TV for the noise, a flimsy shield against her own thoughts. The frenetic energy of The Price Is Right was jarring, its models showing off merchandise with impossibly perfect bodies. It was too much. The image of Natalia’s curves flashed in her mind, and she quickly changed the channel.
She landed on Family Feud and was caught off guard. When did Steve Harvey start hosting? She thought back, trying to remember the progression of hosts: Richard Dawson, Louie Anderson, that guy from the Tim Allen sitcom, and another guy she couldn’t remember the name of. The thought landed with a thud: her own life was speeding by, and she wasn't even in the driver's seat.
What had she accomplished? Here she was, alone in a cheap motel in the middle of Arizona. Her fiancé was back in Glendale in bed with a woman whose body seemed sculpted by angels. She glanced down at her own chest. She had always thought her breasts were decent, but after seeing Natalia’s, she felt hopelessly inadequate. The most infuriating part was knowing they were real; she couldn't even dismiss them as being fake. She had to stop thinking about it, but every attempt to escape circled back to the same unbearable starting point: Cameron, Natalia, and the future together that had just been erased.
She forced herself to think of something different. She thought about the ranch and the roundup that she had helped with the day before. Was it yesterday? It seemed like a lifetime ago. She tried to focus on the feeling of the wind in her face and the open country before her. That switched her focus to the ranch in the mountains and to Evan, but even in that vision, she saw Evan with another woman, with Natalia and her perfect body that could give more pleasure to men than she ever could.
She remembered the clothes in his closet and the few feminine things that were scattered about in his house. There had been a woman in his life. She had never asked him about it. It had never seemed like something that needed to be asked. That was odd. Why hadn’t she asked? Someone had loved him before, and he had surely loved her back. What had happened to her? The woman who had worn those clothes was a mystery to her. Maybe she had returned and had been in his bed last night. She recalled their lovemaking, but the vision of that sweet, powerful, and passionate night was suddenly overtaken by Natalia and her perfect body bouncing up and down on Evan. She wanted to scream.
It was lucky for Evan that he didn’t have a phone or a cell phone, because Alexandra picked up the phone with the intent of calling him and giving him a piece of her mind. When she switched it on, however, all she had was several dozen missed calls from Cameron and at least a dozen from Laura. She checked her messages and noticed that Laura had left several. From that, she deduced that Cameron had probably called Laura to track her down. She read Laura’s text messages and listened to her voice messages. They were pretty much all the same. Laura was worried. Cameron had called her and didn’t know where Alexandra was.
The bastard probably failed to mention to her friend that she caught him porking some Mexican slut when “Alexandra” walked out. She deleted all of the messages: inbox, outbox, sent, received, missed calls, and everything. She deleted all of Cameron’s numbers from her phone, all of the photos of him, as well as anything that was remotely associated with him. She was just about to turn the phone off again when her ringtone started and the screen lit up with Laura’s caller ID. She considered turning the phone off anyway, but decided to go ahead and let Laura know that she was okay.
“Hello,” she said.
“Oh my god,” Laura said. “I’m so glad you are okay. You are okay, right?”
“Yes,” she replied. “I am okay.”
“I was worried sick. Cameron called and said that you didn’t come home last night and that he had no idea where you were. He said he had called you dozens of times and you wouldn’t answer. I called you at least that many times. What’s wrong? What happened? Where are you?”
“I’m in a motel,” she replied. “I’m fine, really.” The sound of Laura’s voice had brought the tears back to her eyes, and she bit her lip to fight back the sobs that were just below the surface.
“No, you’re not,” Laura said. “What’s up? I can hear it in your voice. You’ve been crying, and you are about to cry again.”
“Shit.” She almost giggled. She couldn’t hide anything from Laura. “You know me too well.”
“Hell yeah, I do,” she answered. “Talk to me. Cameron told me nothing. Did you guys argue?”
“No,” she replied. “Much worse.”
“Did he hit you, Alex?” she said with a tone of menace in her voice. “If he did, I’ll fuck him up good.”
“No,” she said. “Not that.”
“Then what, baby girl?” she said sweetly. Laura was pretty seriously worried whenever she started calling her baby girl.
“He was with another woman,” she managed to get out as her chest began to heave with sobbing all over again. She thought that she was over that part of the ordeal, but the sweet empathy of Laura’s voice made it all come gushing out of her again.
“That dirty bastard,” Laura said. “And he had the nerve to act all innocent to me. I’ll fucking kill him.” Laura suddenly realized that her anger was leading her off course of the role of comforter and locked the murderous thoughts away. “Oh god, Alexandra, I’m sorry. How did you find out?”
“I saw them together,” she blurted. The vision came rushing back in. All of the inadequacies that she had ever felt in her life stormed in upon her all over again with the thought of Natalia and her perfect...
“Oh my god,” Laura said. “I’m so sorry.” For once in her life, Laura was actually at a loss for words. She scrambled through her brain trying to come up with the right thing to say. She had a suspicion that something like this would happen with Cameron being in Arizona and Alexandra in Pittsburgh. She knew Cameron too well. There was a part of her that was elated at the fact that Alexandra was finally aware of what sort of bastard Cameron really was, but on the other hand, her best friend was in pain. “Do you need me to fly out? Where are you? Are you still in Glendale?”
“No,” Alexandra replied, fighting back a sniffle and reaching for another tissue. The pile of used tissues was substantial. “I’m in some place on the way to Los Angeles.”
“Los Angeles?”
“Yes.”
“Why are you going to Los Angeles?” she said. “That’s like totally the opposite direction. Why didn’t you start for Pittsburgh?”
“I don’t know,” she said. “I just turned onto the highway and started driving. I didn’t much care where I ended up.”
“I could fly to LA and meet you,” Laura offered.
“And do what?” Alexandra was finally starting to get a hold of herself. She had almost gotten control of herself before the phone rang. She had let what little bit of emotion that remained come bursting out at the sound of Laura’s voice, and now she was getting things back together.
“Be with you,” Laura said. “Comfort you. You know, stuff that besties are supposed to do.”
“Lars, you’re sweet, you’re awesome, and I love you, but you don’t need to do that,” Alexandra said. “I’ll be fine. I just need to be alone for a while.”
“What are you going to do? Where are you going to go?” Laura asked. She didn’t want to sound like Alexandra’s mother again, but she was genuinely concerned about her, and they were legitimate questions.
“I don’t know, Lars,” Alexandra said. “Today, I’m going to spend the day right here. Tomorrow I will do whatever I do.”
“That’s pretty vague.”
“Yeah, I know. Vague is pretty much all that I’ve got right now,” Alexandra sighed. “I’ll be fine. I promise. Just let me be alone today, and I’ll be fine. I promise that I’ll call you tonight.”
“You promise?”
“I promise.”
There was a long pause while Laura considered whether she should let Alexandra end their conversation and be alone. Was she really okay? She had to trust her. Alexandra would bounce back. Laura had to believe it. “Okay, call me tonight,” Laura said finally. “Call me any time. You know I’m always here for you.”
“Yes, I know, thanks, Lars. I love you.” The sobs started again as she heard Laura’s response, and then she pushed the button to end the call.