Chapter 33
Stella:
"Books," Noah said.
I blinked. "Books?"
"Reading recommendations. Not textbooks—real books. The ones that made you actually care about all this stuff in the first place."
It was such an unexpectedly personal request that I found myself nodding before I'd fully thought it through. So much for making him go straight home to rest.
"I keep some in my office. Come on."
---
The walk across campus was quiet, both of us careful to maintain appropriate distance as students passed us in the hallways. When we reached my office, I unlocked the door and gestured him inside, pushing it nearly closed behind us but leaving it slightly ajar.
"So," I said, moving to my desk. "Let me think about what would actually be useful for you."
Noah was already scanning my bookshelves. "You've got a lot of books."
"Occupational hazard." I pulled open my bottom drawer where I kept a small personal collection—books that didn't fit into any syllabus but had shaped how I thought about relationships. "I can order you new copies of whatever you want."
"You don't have to buy new books." He crouched down next to my chair to see into the drawer better. "Your copies are fine."
The movement was smooth, effortless—none of the shakiness I'd half-expected after what he'd been through. I'd been watching for signs of lingering weakness all through class, but he seemed completely recovered.
"I'll get you new ones," I said.
"Afraid I'll see your notes?" There was amusement in his voice.
"Afraid you'll spill coffee on them," I said, but we both knew that wasn't the real reason.
"Fine. I'll just pick from here then." He reached for a book, his shoulder brushing mine as he did. The contact was brief but I felt it like a spark.
He pulled out Perel's book on desire. Of course.
"What's this about?" He flipped through it, and his eyes caught on an underlined passage. "'The quality of the connection is more important than the quantity of time spent together.'" He looked up at me. "You highlighted this."
"It's relevant to attachment theory." My voice came out steadier than I felt.
"Is it?" He was still crouched there, eye level with me in my chair, close enough that I could see the exact shade of green in his eyes. "Or is it relevant to something else?"
My breath caught. I should have pulled back. Should have stood up.
"Noah—"
"What about this one?" He pulled out another book, but he didn't stand up, didn't move away. His hand rested on my armrest now. "The proximity one you mentioned in your lecture last week."
"You remembered that?"
"I've been thinking about it since." His voice had dropped lower, intimate in a way that made me hyperaware of how close we were, how exposed. "Wanted to see if the research backed up what you were teaching."
"And?"
"And it does. Repeated exposure increases attraction. Familiarity breeds connection." He set the book on the floor beside him. "But it also says the effect is stronger when the proximity is chosen. When people keep showing up for each other even when they don't have to."
The air between us felt charged. I could hear voices drifting in from the hallway—distant, muffled through that narrow crack in the door—and I knew I should care. Knew I should be worried about who might walk past, what they might see through that slim gap.
Instead, I found myself leaning forward slightly.
"That's an interesting interpretation," I said quietly.
"Is it wrong?"
"No." The word came out barely above a whisper.
"Stella." The way he said my name made something in my chest tighten. "Can I ask you something?"
I nodded, not trusting my voice. In the back of my mind, I registered more footsteps in the hallway. Closer this time. I should pull back. I should get up and push that door wider open, remind myself why I'd left only a crack in the first place—
"When you look at me—" He paused, searching for words. "Do you see your student? Or do you see something else?"
My heart was pounding. The footsteps had slowed somewhere near my door. I couldn't tell if they'd stopped. Couldn't focus on anything except Noah's eyes on mine, the warmth of his hand over mine on the armrest.
"Noah, that's not a fair question—"
"I need to know." He shifted closer, his face inches from mine now. "Because when I look at you, I don't see my professor anymore. I haven't for a while now."
I should have cared about that barely-cracked door. Should have cared about the voices I could still hear, the footsteps that may or may not have paused just outside. Should have cared about everything I was risking.
"What do you see?" The question escaped before I could stop it.
"Someone I can't stop thinking about." His voice was rough, honest. "Someone who—"
Three quick knocks, then the door pushed open wider.
Noah pulled back instantly. By the time Emily stepped into the doorway, he was already standing, reaching down for the books on the floor with studied casualness.
"Stella?" Emily's voice came first, followed by her face appearing in the widening gap. "Oh—sorry, I didn't realize you had someone with you."
I jerked back in my chair, the spell broken. Noah picked up the last book, but I could see the flush on his neck, the careful way he arranged his expression into something neutral.
"No, come in," I said, my voice impressively steady given that my heart was still hammering. "Noah was just picking out books for his midterm prize. We were finishing up."
Emily stepped inside, and I watched her eyes move briefly between us before settling into her usual easy manner. She and I had known each other long enough that she could read a room—I saw the flicker of recognition cross her face, quickly smoothed over with professionalism.
"Right. Books." Her tone was warm, not probing. "That's actually really sweet. Most professors just add a point to the final grade."
"Dr. Morrison's not most professors," Noah said.
"Clearly." Emily smiled, then shifted her attention to me with the comfortable directness of someone who'd spent enough time in my office to know she wasn't overstepping. "Hey, I wanted to catch you before the end of the day—I heard through the department that your research team is heading out for fieldwork next week?"
"Yeah." I stood, grateful for the redirect. "Five days of observational studies. Three different locations."
"That's a serious undertaking. Is the team ready?"
"Getting there." I sighed, sinking back into my desk chair now that Noah had moved to stand a more appropriate distance away. "I've been trying to make sure everyone's caught up on the literature before we go. Can't have them out there not knowing what they're supposed to be looking for."
"Makes sense." Emily glanced at Noah with genuine curiosity. "You're on the research team too, right?"
"Yeah."
"And you scored highest on the midterm?" She looked genuinely impressed. "That's no small thing."
Noah smiled slightly. "I had some extra motivation to do well."
Emily laughed. "Well, it shows."