Chapter 77 I want to kiss you
Ira's POV
I sit a careful distance away with my knees drawn up and the basket placed between us like a silent barrier.
I watch Cortis from the corner of my eye while listening to the forest around us.
I’m not sure I can trust her… out here, alone like this.
Without a sound, she stretches her long legs out in front of her and leans back on her elbows like the place belongs to her.
The gentle sunlight glides over the curve of her cheek, catching on the loose strand of hair, draped by her sweaty neck.
I reach out and silently pick at a blade of grass until it tears apart between my fingers.
Elric's question rings in my head suddenly and I stiffen realizing that this could seriously be a trap. What if she's been assigned to eliminate me.
What if the herbs we've been picking are actually poisonous and she's going to force them into my mouth soon.
Her gaze rests on me, and she doesn't try to hide it.
“You and the commander,” she says at last.
I frown at the ground. Ruel? This is about Ruel not my hair?
“He’s different around you.” she continues.
I swallow and keep my eyes on the grass. “I don't understand what you mean.”
She hums low, her gaze thoughtful. “He watches you like how a starved man watches food.”
Heat creeps up my neck, and settles in my face. What does she mean by that? Of course he doesn't look at me like that. He barely even looks my way after that…
“I'm just his pleasure body.”I say, feigning sadness.
“I’ve known commander Ruel for years. I’ve worked under him. And still I’ve never seen him like this. He's never this protective… not over anyone.”
Protective? Something isn't adding up here. Are we talking about the same man?
Not so subtly, she shifts the basket I'd placed there behind us and moves closer.
My eyes follow her movement but snap to the bush ahead of us when a sudden rush of movement bursts from the undergrowth.
I jerk, my heart jumping as a small gray shape darts straight for the basket.
The squirrel hesitates, skidding to a stop, its nose twitching, and its dark eyes locked on the herbs like it’s weighing its chances.
For one breathless second, none of us move.
Then it snatches a leaf in its tiny paws and bolts.
Dry leaves scatter as it scurries up the nearest tree, its claws scraping bark, its body a blur until it completely disappears into the branches above us.
Cortis watches the tree for a moment longer and then, catching me completely off guard, she smiles.
It is sudden but real, breaking open a brightness in her eyes that captures my attention.
“You’re truly beautiful.” I whisper.
Silence drops hard.
Her smile stays, but something shifts behind it as she lowers her gaze slowly, until it rests on my lips.
The little space we are in starts to feel choked and my heart starts to race at an uneven pace.
I watch in confusion as Cortis shifts closer on the grass, this time her knee brushes mine for a brief moment, instantly making me extra aware of how near she is.
I stay still with my hands twisted in my skirt, feeling as if moving would mean agreeing to something I don't think I understand.
She leans in slowly, all the while watching me. It's like she's waiting for some kind of response.
I don't move… not even when her breath brushes my cheek in a way that feels strange rather than intimate.
She stops before touching me, and the moment hangs there, awkward and unclear.
“I want to kiss you,” she whispers, roughly, her eyes pleading.
There's no hint of playfulness in her tone.
My eyes drop to her hand that's gripping her own knee with pale knuckles, like she is barely holding herself back.
But she's a woman. Yes she's strong and beautiful but I've never thought of a woman kissing me… I've never desired it.
I've never desired anyone but him.
“Why?” I ask, the question almost inaudible… embarrassed by its own existence.
Her eyes search mine confidently. “Because I like you,” she says simply. Then she swallows. “Because since the first time I saw you, I haven’t been able to forget you.”
Hardly have I digested what she's said before she continues.
“I would court you properly,” she says much softer now, laced with a hint of regret. “I would give you my time, take you on walks, get to know you properly…. But Commander Ruel watches you like you already belong to him. Every room you enter, his eyes follow. Everyone who looks too long gets that glare he's reserved for that course.”
She sounds upset, yet distracted, her tongue gliding over her lips once before she closes the gap.
I lean away, my palms pressed into the grass behind me.
Cortis stiffens, her shoulders sagging like she just had her confidence drained out of her. I shift away and she keeps her gaze at the ground between us.
“It’s all right,” she says quietly. “I came on too strong, didn't I? I should have asked first if you’ve ever been with a woman.”
I shake my head slowly. “No, I haven’t.”
She nods once, still not looking at me. “Are you… disgusted?”
The word sounds wrong in my ears. I search myself for a hint of such.
Instead, images rise unbidden. Her mouth on mine, her hands warm against my face, her body pressed against mine…
There is no disgust, but there's no desire either.
Then Ruel intrudes into my thoughts without permission. Images of his hands rough in my hair, his mouth hot and claiming.
Heat flows through my veins instantly, my body answering him before my mind catches up.
“I’m not disgusted,” I say. “Should I be?”
She lifts her head then, surprise flickering across her face before something gentler takes its place. “No,” she whispers.
After a while she exhales slowly, her mouth curved, not quite a smile, more like silent understanding. “You would rather kiss a man wouldn't you?”
I nod, already picturing the man.
She looks away toward the trees. “Then you do not swing my way, I guess.”
“Does that upset you?” I ask softly.
She stares ahead before answering. “I do not have the right to be upset. Wanting someone does not mean they must want you back.” A faint, tired smile touches her mouth.
Silence settles again, thick and awkward.
I glance at my basket. The sun feels too warm now and I can't help but ache with the desire for space.
Then Cortis’s voice comes again, barely above a whisper.
“But I do like you, Ira. I have never felt this much for someone I barely know.”
I nod because I cannot find words that won't betray the undeserving guilt I feel.
I lift my head to speak and freeze when I see him, half hidden behind a tree, gray eyes locked on mine, furious and unmoving.
“Ruel,” I gasp, jumping to my feet.