Chapter 53 Plucked and Torn

Chapter 53 Plucked and Torn
The void.
I kept my eyes squeezed shut. I knew I wasn’t sleeping. I knew what I’d see once I opened them. The endless black realm. Cold air pricked at my skin. My breath quivered. Fear increased my heart rate.
I don’t want to be here.
Last time was horrible. Nausea twisted my gut just at the thought of those monsters attacking Robin.
Robin…
At the same time, I felt foolish. This woman had been through so much, and yet I couldn’t even bring myself to look.
With a deep breath, I opened my eyes slowly and glanced around. Darkness. Even the lights were gone.
“…R—Robin?” I called.
Silence. As always…
My throat tightened. I wondered if she was upset with me after my reaction last time. I hung my head in self-loathing. Before I could speak again, the darkness lifted into a soft light filtering through Jackson’s tent.
I squinted, my eyes adjusting until I rubbed them and stretched. My head bumped Jackson’s chest as his scent fell over me, and my chest fluttered again. I smiled, resting my hand against his chest, but my smile faded when I saw my hand.
It’s Robin’s hand.
I sprang up, looking at my naked body. Robin’s body. Everything Jackson touched last night, it felt like my skin, my body parts, but it finally dawned on me… that wasn’t really me.
He was touching another woman.
Jackson doesn’t see me. He sees the woman in front of him.
A painful sting stabbed my chest, a pain that felt all too similar to when I saw Henry, my fiancé, kissing and marrying my sister.
Another woman. Not me. 
Jackson stirred and peeked at me. As I hurriedly dressed myself, he sat up. His brows furrowed. “Robin?”
I didn’t respond, my back facing him. It took all my willpower to keep myself from getting teary-eyed. It was foolish, but I felt betrayed. What’s worse, I used Robin’s body.
Robin isn’t a virgin. She could’ve had a lover…
What have I done?
“Robin,” Jackson repeated, grabbing my arm. “What’s wrong? Talk to me.”
“I…” I took a deep breath, miraculously keeping it from cracking. “…This was wrong.”
“What?”
“I mean, you’re the captain of the knighthood. I’d be a distraction—”
“No.” Jackson sat up, his soft lips forming a frown. “That’s an excuse. I’m not a fool.”
I winced. He always was the sharp one. My back continued to face him as I pulled up my pants and said, “I was drunk. Really, really, drunk. This shouldn’t have happened.”
Silence stretched between us that felt like an eternity. Finally, he said, “…You regret last night.” I didn’t respond. Another moment of silence filled the tent before he took a deep breath. “Then you want to pretend it never happened?”
Again, I didn’t speak. I couldn’t even bring myself to nod.
As I slid on my shirt, Jackson briefly looked away before murmuring, “I was fairly drunk too. The blame isn’t completely on you.”
Liar. You didn’t take a sip…
My lips pursed as my throat tightened. Jackson had the heart to ease my burden, but he only deepened my guilt.
The headstrong, hotheaded captain actually had a kind heart.
“Sorry I wasted your time,” I whispered before slipping out.
“Robin—!” he called, but I didn’t look back.
I glanced down at my hands. Robin’s hands. With a deep breath, I returned to my tent. The sun rose over the horizon. A handful of knights were still by the campfire, snoring with the fire snuffed out.
Before I could go inside my tent, Erik rounded the corner, rubbing sleep from his eyes before they flew wide when he almost ran into me.
“Sorry!” he stammered.
“Sorry—no, I’m sorry,” I stuttered clumsily.
He tilted his head, looking me up and down. “What’re you doing up so early?”
“Uh…” I glanced away awkwardly. “Things. What’re you doing awake?”
Erik smirked. “A secretive robin. Now I’m curious.” Before I could get flustered, he continued, “I had to take a leak.”
“Oh. Um, same,” I mumbled. My lie was blatantly obvious, but he didn’t press further. Instead, his eyebrows furrowed.
“Have you been crying?”
“Huh?”
“Your eyes are red. Bad dream?”
I hesitated, glancing away before whispering, “…Yeah.”
Erik smiled softly, stepping closer and touching my shoulder. “Cedric and I were tending to our horses. Wanna join us?”
A small smile crept back onto my lips. I murmured, “I’d like that.”
I followed Erik to where our horses were kept. Cedric was busy brushing his black horse’s mane, and he glanced up as we came over.
“Erik!” Cedric snapped. “Why did you go and wake Robin?”
“I didn’t! She was already awake,” he snapped back.
“Uh..” I rubbed the back of my neck, catching both of their gaze. “So, what’re you guys doing out here?”
“Never hurts to spend quality time with your trustworthy, loyal steed,” Erik chimed with a charming smile.
“I hate the rain. So muddy,” Cedric grumbled, scraping the dried mud from his horse’s hooves. 
I chuckled, brushing my bright ginger locks behind my ear. It was entertaining to see how opposite the brothers were. Brothers. The thought of siblings made my smile fade. I wondered, were Amina and I this different?
…Not that it matters anymore.
“You’ve had an eventful patrol,” Cedric said, wiping his hands as he turned to me. “Supposed to be just a walk up and down the border, interrogating any traveler. The last thing I expected was a battle, let alone two.”
“And a whole village chased out of their homes! At least they’ll be able to return now,” Erik said and then shivered. “Lost two lives in the process… Their families will be devastated.” 
“Casualties are handled by Captain Jackson. Just keep your nose down,” Cedric lectured.
“Still…” Erik mumbled. “I’m the only one who made it back. It was mayhem. They told me to run, report everything to the captain.” He hesitated. “I should’ve stayed.”
“You would’ve died too,” I murmured. “I can’t bear the thought of what they’d do to you.”
“She’s right,” Cedric said. “If you’d stayed, then we’d be left in the dark and headed into the village blindly.” 
Erik shrugged while stroking his horse’s snout. My chest twisted. Guilt reflected in his deep blue eyes, a feeling I was too familiar with. I stepped closer, hugging him from behind. Erik smiled and turned around, embracing tightly. 
Cedric sighed loudly and grumbled, “Stop babying him. You’re going to make him think you’re giving him permission to put a ring on your finger.” 
Erik glared at his brother, his face flushed. For once, the charismatic man was flustered. “Do you mind?!” he snapped.
I giggled as Cedric smirked. His smirk faded as he looked past us. His brows furrowed. “Damn… for a moment I thought the captain was doing better once we left the kingdom. The man’s eyes are dead again.”
Erik followed his gaze and grimaced, his hands slid down my arms. “Dead? He looks pissed as hell. Again.”
I didn’t want to look, but forced myself to. They were right, and he was looking this way.