34. How is it possible?

34. How is it possible?
Catherine

I am so confused, because in spite of everything I know and everything he has done, I feel safe with him.

Caspian gently leads me into the outer chamber with his hand resting upon my lower back. It is an intimate gesture, one I want to pull away from and yet it is at the same time a gesture I find most comforting. My head is beginning to ache with such uncertainty surrounding my feelings, I wish I understood this more.

The room we are in now is the one I saw briefly earlier on, with the strange looking couches. The cushioned fabric looks like a soft silverish silk, but the frames seem to be made from a polished, yet porous structure, I could easily believe it would collapse under too much strain.

He catches me staring and smiles, almost dotingly. Edward would smile at me thus. But, with Caspian there is something more to it, a sincerity I suppose, one which never did shine from Edward's eyes in the same way.

"It is made from a special coral. Farmed in such a manner that it grows to the required shape. Then it only requires polishing, there is no weakness in the joints that way, I believe its closest relative in your world would be pillar coral... Though it isn't as tough and... you have no idea what I am talking about have you? Even if you were able to reach such depths, it grows no where near your home." He sighs, seemingly annoyed at himself somehow.

I smile gently, "I've seen coral. Just not this kind, and only as it washed up in the bay occasionally."

I frown and turn away, wondering why I feel the need to suddenly reassure this man. One act of kindness and I am what? Complaint and forgiving of his misdoings. Then again, I always forgave Edward, but he strove to do so much for me. Caspian has kidnapped me, fundamentally changed me, and had as much as admitted he will lock me up if I try to escape... Yet, he also seems to show true care for me.

Oh, I do not know what to think.

It is all too much.

"Please, sit," he suggests, gently guiding me with his hand still on my back, and briefly pulling my focus back to him. "I'm just going to call for some food, you enjoy fish I recall."

I look around, there is no one here, how can he "call" for food. Does he intend to leave me? Why should that make me nervous? Maybe it is a test to see if I will stay like he commanded, but it didn't feel devious.

Why can I feel so much from him?

What has he done to me?

"Catherine, are you alright?" He asks concerned, suddenly crouching in front of me, I am not aware of when I actually sat down. "You seem, scared all of a sudden, did I do something wrong?"

"I... I..." I stumble over myself in shock at his words.

How can he ask if he is in the wrong, he was so angry before?

I don't understand. It is too much, it is much too much. My breathing begins to accelerate. I do not understand, I do not understand at all.

This is all... and I can, and yet I just cannot.

"Catherine," his voice calls to me in a panic as he looks into my eyes.

His grey eyes are alight with worry as he holds my head. The comfort his touch brings only serves to panic me further.

Why is it like this?

Why do I want to lean into him?

How can this monster offer such condolence to me?

Why does my body crave to be closer to his?

What is wrong with me?

I want to scream that I do not understand. But my sharp breaths will not permit it.

I pull back from his touch and look about the room, for what I do not know, an escape?

An answer?

Edward?

No if he caught me like this... No, I simply cannot be here.

My breaths somehow manage to come quicker still and I begin to feel light headed. I am doing my best to avoid focusing on the two grey eyes that seem to reflect my own soul straight back at me; and my own soul, present in such a monster is terrifying indeed.

I can feel his sleeves, as my hands suddenly dig into his arms, when did I reach out to him? But still his strength beneath my palms does nothing to calm the storm within me.

"Catherine, please." He beseeches me, "Look at me, I beg of you calm down."

I cannot. I cannot look at him, nor am I able to control my breathing. This feeling nauseates me, yet I cannot stop, and his panicked tone only confuses me further; adding fuel to the fire of my torment.

"I do not... I do not... I do not understand..." I try to pant out, trying to pull further away from him, yet unable to let him go at the same time.

I try to stand, I cannot breathe.

How can we be under so much water and be expected to be okay?

It does not make sense... I just cannot, I can't.

Tears stream freely down my face.

I sense Caspian's hands upon my upper arms now, but as I look at him once more, I cannot hear what he is saying.

All I can hear is the ocean around us, and it is terrifying. Her waves aggressively crashing upon cliffs or on the side of the ships she intends to drag below her surface, Sailors screaming, winds thrashing, wood splintering.

I still cannot breathe.

Then suddenly the blackness consumes me whole.